Overwhelming guilt

It's 10pm and I can't stop crying. I'm overtaken with guilt. The more I read and retrain my mind on proper nutrition, the more I feel like a horrible mother.

Looking back over Joshua's first year, there are so many things I would change if I could. I feel as though I did the opposite of everything I knew to do. I think of his tiny body and what I have allowed to go into it from such a tender age and I'm ashamed. Did I do it for convenience? Did I do it out of pressure from family and doctors? Maybe a little of both, but I definitely didn't do it out of wisdom.

He looks at me with those big brown eyes and trusts that I am doing what is best for him in all ways. Yet I feed him things I would no longer eat myself. When he came down with Bronchitis (probably from the milk based formulas I fed him), I administered medications instead of seeking out a natural remedy. I always excused myself by thinking, "Other parents give their children a, b, and c - and those children are fine. I was raised on junk food, antibiotics and who knows what else - and I'm fine."

I really thought that in every poor choice I made, there were extenuating circumstances that qualified my decisions. Today I read about how Rev. Malcamus (founder of Hallelujah Acres) had a stroke in 2000 after being on the diet for 25 years. The doctors told his wife that he had to have drugs to stop his brain from bleeding and that he needed emergency surgery. She refused it all, knowing that the drugs would be more dangerous in his body than the average person. The doctors sent him home to die in 24 hours - but he lived and thrived. That story makes me feel like crap. My extenuating circumstances were nothing compared to that.

I know Joshua is only a little over a year old. Yet I already see bad habits with eating that I helped instill. I feel like all I have is hindsight 20/20, with no foresight. I don't know what to do from this point on to change the damage I have already done. I need wisdom.

The scriptures say if anyone lacks wisdom they should ask Yahweh (who gives generously to all without finding fault) and it will be given to them. So I ask for wisdom now and receive it by faith. I repent for the choices I made in the past out of convenience, pressure, stress, laziness, and fear. I commit to do what I know to do in all areas, and to let the Holy Spirit be my only guide. I cover Joshua in the blood of Yeshua and declare that no weapon formed against him prospers - not even my bad choices. He is 100% healthy and whole from the top of his head to the soles of his cute little feet. I receive forgiveness and a clean slate. Deep Breath. A clean slate. Oh that's good.

Now I can rest. Praise Yah.