Restoration has begun

Last night after the commotion had died down and Pierre's parents went home, I was able to honestly forgive my husband. He went to get Thai food and some german chocolate cake and we enjoyed some time together before going to bed early because I was still very dizzy from the tete a tete.

Yet I woke up around 5:30am, crying, wishing I had left when I wanted to. I forgave my husband, but was still so hurt. All of a sudden a flood of forgiveness for my own mother washed over me. I can say it's the first time in my life that I have ever been able to really forgive my mom for walking out on me when I was younger than Joshua. My father was very abusive towards her, verbally and physically. I'm not saying walking out on your children is ok under any circumstance, but I can say I understand. The judgement I once held against her is gone. That in itself is a miracle.

With that in mind I began to examine my lineage and realized that Yahweh does indeed visit the iniquity of the fathers down to four generations. It's not because he is evil (far from it), it's because sowing and reaping is a law that works all by itself (like gravity). I can trace the attack on the fathers in my lineage as far back as my great grandfather who died when my grandfather was six years old, leaving him to be raised by an abusive uncle. My husband's own father abandoned him when he was a few months old and died when he was seven. The attack on fathers is severe.

Pierre and I ended up having a serious talk where we came to the true source of all this pain - a lack of real intimacy with Yahweh. It sounds religious, but it's so not. Reading books about Yahweh, singing songs to Him, going to church and even reading His word - although all very necessary - do not compare with an intimate one-on-one relationship where you talk to Him and He talks to you directly. Nothing can quite go deep enough to heal those broken parts hidden in our souls like a conversation with Yahweh. Nothing. Until those hot spots are healed, unimaginable reactions can occur when they are touched. My husband and I know that well.

Pierre realized that he had gotten caught in religious zeal and lost true intimacy with his Father. He understood for the first time that his religion transferred to our marriage with a list of dos and don'ts instead of real relationship, and saw why I was always so reluctant to take direction from him. Without real relationship, dos and don'ts become a tyranny and dictatorship instead of loving give and take. He realized how he had shut God out of his heart, and consequently shut me out as well. Listening to him speak, I could hear the sincerity in his voice, the true repentance, and most importantly - the deep understanding that behaviors can never be modified from the outside in. Whew. It was one of those moments when a thousand tongues would not have been enough to express my gratitude to Yahweh.

Later in the morning Pastor Dan called and counseled Pierre man to man for about 20 minutes. He wants the four of us to get together soon and continue talking things through. Although agreeing to counseling is a positive step, nothing compares to the true change of heart I have already witnessed in my husband since this all occurred. Just the fact that everything is out in the open is a miracle in itself and shames the devil. Pierre and I have received several prophesies that our marriage is an example to others. Countless people have called us an inspiration, a praise to Yahweh, and a source of joy for them. All along those words have served as a reminder from Yahweh of what could be, of what should be.

I know that yesterday was a turning point in our lives. The iniquity of our fathers has visited our home, but to the glory of Yahweh true restoration will go deep and break that iniquity from going any further. Our marriage shall be an example indeed. Not of two "perfect" little Christians with big smiling faces as people perceive. No. Our marriage will be an example that Yah's restoration power bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...and heals all things. Love never fails. I praise Yah for my husband's willing and loving heart. All things are possible.

The day I almost ran away from home

Today is my 3 year anniversary. I have a slight issue with “special holidays”…I expect them to be special. I know it’s my issue and that in the great scheme of things, there are much more important aspects in life than flowers, gifts and dinners. Knowing that, however, doesn’t take the sting off when the special days are forgotten.

Needless to say, I’d been in a mood all day – so when my husband asked me to tell him how I was feeling, I let him have it. I basically told him in an emotional nutshell that I’m very tired of being at the bottom of his priority list, if I’m on it at all. I even went on to say that I will get my needs met elsewhere, being careful to clarify that I meant friends and family. He didn’t like that very much. He picked up the child gate and threw it against the wall, breaking the wall in two places, then proceeded to yell in my face and head butt me. I have a welt and a headache even as I write this hours later.

I wish I could say this is the first time anything like this has ever happened, but it’s not. My husband has a history of exploding, verbally assaulting me, throwing things and even hitting me (small taps and light pushes here and there). Usually he hits me once and then I unload on him. Today was no different except that it’s the first time his hit actually hurt. I punched him several times in retaliation, yelling obscenities as Joshua stood by screaming. It was a scene from Jerry Springer.

The welt on my head, coupled by the fact that I’m 6 months pregnant, really made me draw the line today. I packed my bags and was on my way out the door. I don’t know where I was going. Anywhere, really. He wouldn’t let me leave. He called my father (bad move) and told him he had hit me (worse move). My dad was so upset (worried, pissed off at Pierre), which just made me even more upset. Then he called our pastor, who simply said he would pray for us after I told him I was leaving regardless of what he said. He called his mother, who came over with her husband. They sat there and spoke with me for about two hours until I decided not to leave home.

The question from everyone was the same. Why had I not told anyone that this had been going on. I know it’s because I did not want to ruin my husband’s reputation. More importantly, every time it happened I never thought it would happen again. I also felt a bit like I had handled the situation since I always ended up hitting him more than he hit me. Yet today I was very willing to walk out on my marriage for good. I was even willing to leave my son behind (until my father told me not to and I ended up packing his things as well).

Before I got married, I never understood how a woman could stay in an abusive relationship. Before I experienced what I did today, I never understood how a mom could walk out on her children. Bad relationships sometimes make for bad choices. All in all, I write this because I am grateful. I’m grateful that my husband finally broke out of his desire to be perfect and confessed his faults to those closest to us. I’m grateful the truth is out. I'm grateful that he fought for me and didn't let me leave. I can now move forward with a new hope, knowing that no great marriage has ever gone without trouble.

YADIRA!!!!

Yes, thanks to my father and mother-in-law (two of the last people on earth who call me by my full name, complete with Spanish pronunciation), my son has now adopted a new way to get my attention.

I ignore it, as I don't want to encourage his new found vocal exercise - but I have to admit it makes me chuckle. Jah-Eee-Yah!!!!!! lol. There's nothing like pure innocence to bring a smile on your face.

The month of Elul

Being that the month is actually almost over, this post is a tad late...however, still timely. I have always been especially fond of September. Autumn is my favorite season by far - the cool crisp air, the changing colors, harvest. It always symbolized new beginnings for me, yet I had no idea that in the Hebrew calendar it is far more significant than just lining up with a new school year (which most likely was the source of my "fresh start" feeling).

In the Hebrew calendar, this is the month of Elul (alef-lamed-vav-lamed). From the letters we can see that it is a time of learning. Traditionally it is known as a time of repentance. It's really both. Elul is a moad, a set apart time by Yahweh, to examine ourselves. The whole rest of the year we are told to focus on Yahweh, to set our eyes on Him and off of ourselves. Yet the month of Elul is a set apart time to do some self evaluation, to check our fruit (or lack thereof), and to clean house spiritually. It is a time to learn of ourselves in light of what we have learned of Yahweh, and repent in the areas where we have gone astray.

Irma Diaz (a prophetic, messianic teacher from California) believes people's emotions and thoughts are tied to the Hebrew calendar if they are connected to Ruach Ha'Chodesh. So in this month of Elul, people who know nothing about the Hebrew calendar are finding themselves thinking about themselves regardless. People who are connected to the One true living Yah are doing some real soul searching this month without even being aware that Yahweh ordained this time just for that. Elul is even the 6th month in the Hebrew calendar; the number of man. Powerful.

So go ahead and turn inward a bit. Reflect, purge, get real honest. It is alright with Yah. He has set this time apart for you to check yourself before you wreck yourself (lol I couldn't resist). Just do so in the love of Yah, knowing there is therefore now no condemnation to those that are in Yeshua. A fresh start is yours for the taking. Make it what you want - the desires of your heart were put there for a good reason!

Sweet freedom

I'm reading this new book upon the slight urging of my friend, Tarsha (she bought the book for me and gave me a deadline). It's called, "The Shack," by William P. Young. There will be a full "book report" at the end of the month, but for now I need to write about the sweet freedom the Holy Spirit is ministering to me through what I've read thus far.

Without giving away too many details, this book has indeed turned out to be the refuge that I had been seeking - my secluded farm where life slows down and simple pleasures take precedence over noisy, busy, hoopla. It's a breath of fresh air, a tall glass of ice cold water, a release of every stressor. Aahhhhhhhh...

It is affecting me in tangible, concrete ways. For so long I have been completely unproductive around my home, knowing that any little effort I put into keeping the place clean/organized would just be met with requests for more. No matter how much I did, there was always something left undone that would be pointed out. The easy thing was just to do nothing at all - and thus my home became a chaotic mess both physically and spiritually.

Reading this book has reminded me of my vertical relationship in such a sweet way (I hate to overuse the word "sweet" but it is the best way I can describe it). I'm all of a sudden free to be my very best, knowing that it pleases my Abba...regardless of whether it meets the expectations of those closest to me. I'm free to receive a pat on the back for a job well done from the one who sees behind the scenes. I'm free to live my life as only He intended before the foundations of the world. I'm simply me again. Aahhhhhhh.....refreshing.

After so long of trying to please someone who tries their best to be loving, I've rediscovered that I'm already pleasing to the One who IS Love. Putting my family and my home first above all other responsibilities is suddenly a pleasure instead of a heavy burden. Who knew that could happen from reading fiction? Apparently Tarsha knew...lol.

The Great Divide

The time is coming, and quickly approaching, where the large grey area Christians have resided in for so long is disappearing. Things are becoming more and more black and white. The dilineation between those who believe the scriptures and those who live in darkness is becoming absolute. Those who choose to commune with a religious, traditional spirit will be left out of the greatest moves of Yah this world has ever seen.

Signs, miracles and wonders to the level we have yet to see on earth are about to become common place - beginning with resurrection from the dead. Apprehend the power we have been given and do not water down so precious a responsibility. Consecrate and separate yourselves from the various ways of this foreign land. We are citizens of Heaven, ambassadors for Moshiac. Do not let His words slip away.

In the name of Yeshua. Amen.

High Fructose Corn Syrup is GREAT!!

...according to the new ads and website:

http://www.sweetsurprise.com/

Put some silly music and smiling faces on a commercial and people will buy anything. Not you, right? Don't fall for these things, peeps. HFCS has always been, and still is, really harmful to the body. Do your research.

I'd say this is a bit scary, but the love of money is the root of all evil and the stuff is cheap to manufacture. I'm really not surprised. Next we'll see a "tasty trans fats are terrific!" commercial...