I want to state the simple fact that I love my girls. At the risk of sounding juvenile, I have the best girlfriends in the whole wide world. They're all so different, yet on one accord. I'm blessed. I want to talk about one of them in particular.
Neubela - This girl will take the blouse off her back, give it to you and design another one for you from scratch. She is dynamic, expressive, creative and sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading in her life. I had a conversation with her on Sunday that changed my life...only I didn't know it until later that evening when I was laying in bed with my husband and I was completely at peace. That's when it hit me, this girl knows what she's talking about. For quite a while before that, peace was no where to be found. Then I received an email from her that got me out of my comfortable seat in front of my computer to go hug and kiss my husband. It was about a(nother) revelation she received in Genesis about how Satan was not only trying to get Eve to doubt Yah, but to doubt her own husband. My gosh, that completely identified the voice in my head. Then she said she was praying for me. I know she is.
I'm so grateful for the relationships Yahweh has fostered in my life. I couldn't have picked better friends if I tried.
PS: To catch up - my birthday was great. I did a father/son photo shoot of Pierre and Joshua, then we all went out to eat Indian food. The good part was that Pierre tended to Joshua the whole time so I could enjoy the meal. The not so great news is that I didn't enjoy it. I've been eating cooked food for almost 2 weeks now and I just don't like it after being raw for 35 days. Now I'm stuck in the middle...not wanting to eat cooked food because it makes me feel gross, and not wanting to go back to 100% raw because it felt so restrictive. Hmmmm...
Thursday, March 27
Sunday, March 23
Wookin' Pa Nub
...in all the wrong places. I'm truly love starved. That's why I find it so hard to forgive my husband. I expect him to fill that void in my heart for love. I expect my husband to do something only the Holy Spirit can do...and when he falls very short of my expectations, I put up walls no army can penetrate. I need healing - man, I thought I healed already (as a friend of mine said recently of herself). Are we back to this again? What is it going to take? Does it really all stem from a broken childhood? Seriously?? Come on, I'm turning 30 tomorrow. This is ridiculous.
Saturday, March 22
It's aaaallllll coming out
I didn't realize when I said I didn't want to be average that so many dormant gifts would come pouring out of me all at once. My gosh, who has time for TV?? lol. I'm sitting here in my office/studio surrounded by objects that represent the talents He has made me responsible for. There's the backdrop and lights for photography. Next to that is my easel, all set up with canvas waiting to be painted on (it had been neatly folded up in the back of my closet for years). I have my computer editing programs for business materials and graphic design.
This morning I received an email from a woman in MD who came across our website and video on YouTube. Yes, I am to lead woman in their divine destinies. Yesterday my mother-in-law called me to say a nurse on her job needs a math tutor for her daughter...wow, I used to do that ages ago. OK, bring it on.
Then there was the dream. I've been having dreams and words of prophesy on a regular basis. I am very comfortable with that gift arising since it's the one I feel the most connected to. lol but Yahweh is so funny; He used that gift to remind me of yet another. One that my flesh wouldn't mind remaining dormant.
She laid hands on me as I knelt before her.
"Stand up and look at me," she said. She was a mix of several older women in my life.
"I can't look at you," I said, "the light is too bright."
Finally I stood up and kind of winced enough to see her a bit. She was smiling.
"Life is a puzzle and you are a puzzle piece. You can't choose where you fit."
"I know!"
"Oh, you know? OK." She walked away. I couldn't help feeling there was more she had to say. I waited for her to finish laying hands on everyone else, then I followed her.
"You know, right?" she asked, "about what you used to do in your childhood, about your ministry?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"The Spanish people. Ministering to the Spanish people with your singing." Oh, she meant my childhood in terms of being saved.
"Nooooooooooo!!!!" I whined and cried. She smiled.
"I don't like the way I sing! I can sing in a chorus, or in groups, not by myself."
"There are salvations on the line. And this will bring you closer to your own salvation - doing everything He has told you to do."
"So does that mean I need to go to a Spanish church??" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"No. It's a social group you need to be a part of."
A social group of Christian Spanish singers?? I'll google it.
I woke up feeling stressed. lol. After a few moments I remembered this is my sister's calling. Come to think of it, pretty much everything I'm gifted at can be tied to someone in my family. Why aren't THEY doing all this stuff? They're all still alive. Oh, seeing me do it will spur them to do it. There really are salvations on the line. Deep sigh. Smile.
Thank you, Yahweh. As my pastor always says, "I get to."
This morning I received an email from a woman in MD who came across our website and video on YouTube. Yes, I am to lead woman in their divine destinies. Yesterday my mother-in-law called me to say a nurse on her job needs a math tutor for her daughter...wow, I used to do that ages ago. OK, bring it on.
Then there was the dream. I've been having dreams and words of prophesy on a regular basis. I am very comfortable with that gift arising since it's the one I feel the most connected to. lol but Yahweh is so funny; He used that gift to remind me of yet another. One that my flesh wouldn't mind remaining dormant.
She laid hands on me as I knelt before her.
"Stand up and look at me," she said. She was a mix of several older women in my life.
"I can't look at you," I said, "the light is too bright."
Finally I stood up and kind of winced enough to see her a bit. She was smiling.
"Life is a puzzle and you are a puzzle piece. You can't choose where you fit."
"I know!"
"Oh, you know? OK." She walked away. I couldn't help feeling there was more she had to say. I waited for her to finish laying hands on everyone else, then I followed her.
"You know, right?" she asked, "about what you used to do in your childhood, about your ministry?"
"I have no idea what you're talking about."
"The Spanish people. Ministering to the Spanish people with your singing." Oh, she meant my childhood in terms of being saved.
"Nooooooooooo!!!!" I whined and cried. She smiled.
"I don't like the way I sing! I can sing in a chorus, or in groups, not by myself."
"There are salvations on the line. And this will bring you closer to your own salvation - doing everything He has told you to do."
"So does that mean I need to go to a Spanish church??" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"No. It's a social group you need to be a part of."
A social group of Christian Spanish singers?? I'll google it.
I woke up feeling stressed. lol. After a few moments I remembered this is my sister's calling. Come to think of it, pretty much everything I'm gifted at can be tied to someone in my family. Why aren't THEY doing all this stuff? They're all still alive. Oh, seeing me do it will spur them to do it. There really are salvations on the line. Deep sigh. Smile.
Thank you, Yahweh. As my pastor always says, "I get to."
Friday, March 21
Tuesday, March 18
"Not Gon' Cry"
Oh Mary J. Blige...I remember that song got me through many college nights of drama. I just went back and read the lyrics (in college I only cared about the chorus) and turns out it's about adultery. Isn't every song? My gosh. Anyway, yesterday I was really thinking about the purpose of tears.
Only a tremendous well up of emotions causes tears. You can't cry at will like you can blink or wiggle your nose. Even actors who seem to cry on cue have to bring themselves to an emotional state internally before the tears will fall. What purpose do those tears serve? Why did Yahweh include that in His human blueprint?
Sometimes those tears defeat me. I can be so moved with emotion that it will spur me to action - yet if I'm moved to tears, those drops of water wash away everything, including my resolve to change the circumstances.
That leads me to think tears are for mourning and repentance, to heal us of hurt and cleanse us of guilt. That makes "sense"...but I've cried from joy, I've cried from fear, I've cried from anger, and have even thrown myself several tearful pity parties in my day. The Holy Spirit's presence makes me cry, seeing people's lives changed makes me cry, cutting raw onions makes me cry...ok, you get the point. I cry easily. On a scale of 1-10, most people have an emotional level of about 5 or 6. I was born an 11.
Then there's the fact that the scriptures state Yeshua wept (not just got watery eyes, the dude wept) when Lazarus died. He knew he was going to raise him from the dead. What was the intense emotion that caused HIM to cry? Inquiring minds want to know.
All of this because yesterday morning I was washing dishes and crying, until I realized what those drops do to me. This is not the time to let my emotions wash me out. This is the time to feel that emotion and use it to grow. Regardless of what the purpose of tears are (Yahweh, enlighten me at any moment on this...), I know what time this is. There is a time for every purpose under heaven; a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. This is not the time to cry.
Only a tremendous well up of emotions causes tears. You can't cry at will like you can blink or wiggle your nose. Even actors who seem to cry on cue have to bring themselves to an emotional state internally before the tears will fall. What purpose do those tears serve? Why did Yahweh include that in His human blueprint?
Sometimes those tears defeat me. I can be so moved with emotion that it will spur me to action - yet if I'm moved to tears, those drops of water wash away everything, including my resolve to change the circumstances.
That leads me to think tears are for mourning and repentance, to heal us of hurt and cleanse us of guilt. That makes "sense"...but I've cried from joy, I've cried from fear, I've cried from anger, and have even thrown myself several tearful pity parties in my day. The Holy Spirit's presence makes me cry, seeing people's lives changed makes me cry, cutting raw onions makes me cry...ok, you get the point. I cry easily. On a scale of 1-10, most people have an emotional level of about 5 or 6. I was born an 11.
Then there's the fact that the scriptures state Yeshua wept (not just got watery eyes, the dude wept) when Lazarus died. He knew he was going to raise him from the dead. What was the intense emotion that caused HIM to cry? Inquiring minds want to know.
All of this because yesterday morning I was washing dishes and crying, until I realized what those drops do to me. This is not the time to let my emotions wash me out. This is the time to feel that emotion and use it to grow. Regardless of what the purpose of tears are (Yahweh, enlighten me at any moment on this...), I know what time this is. There is a time for every purpose under heaven; a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance. This is not the time to cry.
Monday, March 17
This time it will be different
Life; as soon as you decide you're going to break out of mediocrity and rise to another level, it attacks you with a vengeance. I've come to find out that's just the nature of this fallen world we live in. Flowers need to fight weeds in order to blossom. They grow side by side until one tries to choke the very life out of the other.
I have always let the fight push me back down into average. Average. That's a curse word to me now. Anyway, I have always allowed myself to be lulled back into complacency. I've been hiding from my life, escaping in recreation to avoid the conflict of excellence. Not anymore. This time I'm going to fight back.
I'm throwing all of my self-medicating solutions out the window. Boredom will not overtake me. Laziness will not be found in me. I will no longer frolick in the playground of idleness. Life has found its formidable opponent. It will no longer push me down, set me back, cause me to run with my tale between my legs. Never again. Fight me. I may triumph as a big bleeding mess, but I will triumph nonetheless.
I have always let the fight push me back down into average. Average. That's a curse word to me now. Anyway, I have always allowed myself to be lulled back into complacency. I've been hiding from my life, escaping in recreation to avoid the conflict of excellence. Not anymore. This time I'm going to fight back.
I'm throwing all of my self-medicating solutions out the window. Boredom will not overtake me. Laziness will not be found in me. I will no longer frolick in the playground of idleness. Life has found its formidable opponent. It will no longer push me down, set me back, cause me to run with my tale between my legs. Never again. Fight me. I may triumph as a big bleeding mess, but I will triumph nonetheless.
Thursday, March 13
Nothing to show. Starting from scratch. It's all good.
I'm in the midst of putting together my porfolio for my graphic design and photography business. I've done so much work in graphic design, but always from my position in a desk job. Companies have gotten a lot of advertisement and design work for the price of a receptionist through the years (I didn't know any better). Because of that, I have nothing to show for all the years of experience I have in this area. I wish I would've known to keep records of all the things I designed for others through the years. Despite having to seemingly start from scratch, I'm excited to finally be in the right career field and I'm looking forward to growing like never before. I see my business booming this year. I'm so happy to have the freedom to show what I can really do. This season in my life is one that I prayed for for many years and I have to stop and remind myself how blessed I truly am. Halleluyah! Yet it shows me how important it is to discover your purpose and calling in life early so you invest your gifts instead of giving them away. That is something I will absolutely instill in my children.
Wednesday, March 12
Buzz Buzz Buzz
The house is a buzzin'. Firemen, neighbors, adjusters, friends, electricians, etc...all passing through at all hours of the day. I've always wanted a house buzzing with people; it's so fun. I'm truly enjoying this whole tree falling on my house thing. lol.
In other news, I posted a blog with pictures and recipes of all the fun raw things I've been making this week. You can see that here. I've been raw for 31 days now. I have to admit that I thought after 30 days of being raw that I'd be svelt and totally cleaned out. Pierre reminded me that it took 30 years of eating junk with a few months of healthy eating here and there to get me to this level, it's going to take more than 30 days to get my poop to float. I reminded him I'm not 30 YET.
In other news, I posted a blog with pictures and recipes of all the fun raw things I've been making this week. You can see that here. I've been raw for 31 days now. I have to admit that I thought after 30 days of being raw that I'd be svelt and totally cleaned out. Pierre reminded me that it took 30 years of eating junk with a few months of healthy eating here and there to get me to this level, it's going to take more than 30 days to get my poop to float. I reminded him I'm not 30 YET.
Monday, March 10
A true sign of YUM.
I love my dehydrator. Granted at first it was kind of annoying with the fan blowing constantly and having to wait several hours for what an oven can do in 10 minutes...but once I decided to follow time-tested recipes (instead of making stuff up myself that turned out NASTY), I fell in love.
Making food a day in advance takes some getting used to. Last night I made food for today's lunch. It's one thing to "cook" for Pierre, Joshua and myself, it's a whole other thing to prepare raw meals for guests. Mac Daddy and Angel (friends from church) came over around lunch time to assess the tree damage. They ended up being guinee pigs for my falafel salad with cucumber sauce and lemon coconut cookies. Neither one of them had ever heard of falafel, but they raved about my healthy version and enjoyed the cookies. Lunch was a hit! Spread the word, Yadi can "cook".
Making food a day in advance takes some getting used to. Last night I made food for today's lunch. It's one thing to "cook" for Pierre, Joshua and myself, it's a whole other thing to prepare raw meals for guests. Mac Daddy and Angel (friends from church) came over around lunch time to assess the tree damage. They ended up being guinee pigs for my falafel salad with cucumber sauce and lemon coconut cookies. Neither one of them had ever heard of falafel, but they raved about my healthy version and enjoyed the cookies. Lunch was a hit! Spread the word, Yadi can "cook".
Saturday, March 8
That's ONE way to get a new porch...
Pasted on my vision board is a picture I did on photoshop of my house renovated from the front. I've always thought my house looks like an unfinished project and that the appearance of the front doesn't do much aesthetically.
Tonight Pierre and I got home from our date to find that the neighbor's tree had fallen on our house. Due to some pretty violent winds, the trunk broke in half and fell on the chimney - the top of which collapsed onto the roof and rolled unto the front lawn (denting and putting a hole in the roof on its way down). The trunk then proceeded to roll down the front of the house, destroying the front porch and landing inches (literally) from the church van parked in our driveway.
We called the police and notified the neighbors. I didn't know this, but because it's her tree, her home owner's insurance covers all the damages. After the cops left, we had a little Hallelujah party on her lawn. We praised Yah that they had just trimmed their trees a few months ago (or the extra branches would've broken windows for sure), that the trunk didn't even touch Joshua's bedroom (could've demolished it), that we weren't home when it happened, that the power lines are on the other side of the house so we didn't lose power, and we laughed about how that is one anointed church van. Then my neighbor said, "Ooh girl - praise Jesus - get a brand new porch even better than the one you had!"
Geez, I guess those vision boards are even more powerful than I thought. lol.
Tonight Pierre and I got home from our date to find that the neighbor's tree had fallen on our house. Due to some pretty violent winds, the trunk broke in half and fell on the chimney - the top of which collapsed onto the roof and rolled unto the front lawn (denting and putting a hole in the roof on its way down). The trunk then proceeded to roll down the front of the house, destroying the front porch and landing inches (literally) from the church van parked in our driveway.
We called the police and notified the neighbors. I didn't know this, but because it's her tree, her home owner's insurance covers all the damages. After the cops left, we had a little Hallelujah party on her lawn. We praised Yah that they had just trimmed their trees a few months ago (or the extra branches would've broken windows for sure), that the trunk didn't even touch Joshua's bedroom (could've demolished it), that we weren't home when it happened, that the power lines are on the other side of the house so we didn't lose power, and we laughed about how that is one anointed church van. Then my neighbor said, "Ooh girl - praise Jesus - get a brand new porch even better than the one you had!"
Geez, I guess those vision boards are even more powerful than I thought. lol.
Thursday, March 6
Oh.
I got my dehydrator today. I've been wanting this thing for years (literally). I found a good deal online and my husband graciously bought it for me (with high hopes of Quintessence style food made at home). The FedEx dude delivered it this afternoon and I was so happy! He was happy for me.
I opened the box and there it was - a 9 tray Excalibur Dehydrator complete with 9 mesh trays and 9 teflex sheets for liquidy thingies. I quickly whipped up some recipes for crackers and chips - the two things I've been missing the most since going raw. Now I'm waiting 20 hours for them to be done. lol. I have to say the whole thing is pretty anti-climatic after all.
I'll let you know how my first creations turn out:)
I opened the box and there it was - a 9 tray Excalibur Dehydrator complete with 9 mesh trays and 9 teflex sheets for liquidy thingies. I quickly whipped up some recipes for crackers and chips - the two things I've been missing the most since going raw. Now I'm waiting 20 hours for them to be done. lol. I have to say the whole thing is pretty anti-climatic after all.
I'll let you know how my first creations turn out:)
Wednesday, March 5
Raw prophesies
I feel so much better after my last post, I figured I'd catch up with a few other things.
I've been having deeper dreams and recalling them so much easier since going raw. For a while there (before doing the juice fast), I was getting into the swing of waking up before sunrise and chatting with Yahweh. I'm building my strength back up to that because it was so worth it (duh).
Anyway, one of the major prophesies I received came through a dream I had. I'll spare the dream since the interpretation is the important thing. It seemed to ring true with several people. Here it is:
"There are perceived obstacles that are keeping you from going in the direction you know to go in (Spiritually, Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Socially, Financially or in your Divine Calling). These obstacles are keeping you in indecision and fear, but they are not real. They are only illusions. Bypass those illusions and go in the direction you know to go in – you will see that you have supernatural favor and wisdom to proceed.
However, once you pass the things that have held you back for so long, there are very real oppositions waiting that you don’t even see coming. If you keep your focus on Yahweh, you will naturally bypass these things. However, if you decide to lean on your own understanding and try to make it in this new place with your conventional wisdom, you will be snared. Yahweh, in His mercy, will provide help out of these troubles, but it will leave a lasting wound. So keep your focus on Him at all times and refuse to lean on your own understanding so that your steps remain ordered of Him in this new place."
Ok, really going to bed now.
I've been having deeper dreams and recalling them so much easier since going raw. For a while there (before doing the juice fast), I was getting into the swing of waking up before sunrise and chatting with Yahweh. I'm building my strength back up to that because it was so worth it (duh).
Anyway, one of the major prophesies I received came through a dream I had. I'll spare the dream since the interpretation is the important thing. It seemed to ring true with several people. Here it is:
"There are perceived obstacles that are keeping you from going in the direction you know to go in (Spiritually, Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, Socially, Financially or in your Divine Calling). These obstacles are keeping you in indecision and fear, but they are not real. They are only illusions. Bypass those illusions and go in the direction you know to go in – you will see that you have supernatural favor and wisdom to proceed.
However, once you pass the things that have held you back for so long, there are very real oppositions waiting that you don’t even see coming. If you keep your focus on Yahweh, you will naturally bypass these things. However, if you decide to lean on your own understanding and try to make it in this new place with your conventional wisdom, you will be snared. Yahweh, in His mercy, will provide help out of these troubles, but it will leave a lasting wound. So keep your focus on Him at all times and refuse to lean on your own understanding so that your steps remain ordered of Him in this new place."
Ok, really going to bed now.
Overwhelming guilt
It's 10pm and I can't stop crying. I'm overtaken with guilt. The more I read and retrain my mind on proper nutrition, the more I feel like a horrible mother.
Looking back over Joshua's first year, there are so many things I would change if I could. I feel as though I did the opposite of everything I knew to do. I think of his tiny body and what I have allowed to go into it from such a tender age and I'm ashamed. Did I do it for convenience? Did I do it out of pressure from family and doctors? Maybe a little of both, but I definitely didn't do it out of wisdom.
He looks at me with those big brown eyes and trusts that I am doing what is best for him in all ways. Yet I feed him things I would no longer eat myself. When he came down with Bronchitis (probably from the milk based formulas I fed him), I administered medications instead of seeking out a natural remedy. I always excused myself by thinking, "Other parents give their children a, b, and c - and those children are fine. I was raised on junk food, antibiotics and who knows what else - and I'm fine."
I really thought that in every poor choice I made, there were extenuating circumstances that qualified my decisions. Today I read about how Rev. Malcamus (founder of Hallelujah Acres) had a stroke in 2000 after being on the diet for 25 years. The doctors told his wife that he had to have drugs to stop his brain from bleeding and that he needed emergency surgery. She refused it all, knowing that the drugs would be more dangerous in his body than the average person. The doctors sent him home to die in 24 hours - but he lived and thrived. That story makes me feel like crap. My extenuating circumstances were nothing compared to that.
I know Joshua is only a little over a year old. Yet I already see bad habits with eating that I helped instill. I feel like all I have is hindsight 20/20, with no foresight. I don't know what to do from this point on to change the damage I have already done. I need wisdom.
The scriptures say if anyone lacks wisdom they should ask Yahweh (who gives generously to all without finding fault) and it will be given to them. So I ask for wisdom now and receive it by faith. I repent for the choices I made in the past out of convenience, pressure, stress, laziness, and fear. I commit to do what I know to do in all areas, and to let the Holy Spirit be my only guide. I cover Joshua in the blood of Yeshua and declare that no weapon formed against him prospers - not even my bad choices. He is 100% healthy and whole from the top of his head to the soles of his cute little feet. I receive forgiveness and a clean slate. Deep Breath. A clean slate. Oh that's good.
Now I can rest. Praise Yah.
Looking back over Joshua's first year, there are so many things I would change if I could. I feel as though I did the opposite of everything I knew to do. I think of his tiny body and what I have allowed to go into it from such a tender age and I'm ashamed. Did I do it for convenience? Did I do it out of pressure from family and doctors? Maybe a little of both, but I definitely didn't do it out of wisdom.
He looks at me with those big brown eyes and trusts that I am doing what is best for him in all ways. Yet I feed him things I would no longer eat myself. When he came down with Bronchitis (probably from the milk based formulas I fed him), I administered medications instead of seeking out a natural remedy. I always excused myself by thinking, "Other parents give their children a, b, and c - and those children are fine. I was raised on junk food, antibiotics and who knows what else - and I'm fine."
I really thought that in every poor choice I made, there were extenuating circumstances that qualified my decisions. Today I read about how Rev. Malcamus (founder of Hallelujah Acres) had a stroke in 2000 after being on the diet for 25 years. The doctors told his wife that he had to have drugs to stop his brain from bleeding and that he needed emergency surgery. She refused it all, knowing that the drugs would be more dangerous in his body than the average person. The doctors sent him home to die in 24 hours - but he lived and thrived. That story makes me feel like crap. My extenuating circumstances were nothing compared to that.
I know Joshua is only a little over a year old. Yet I already see bad habits with eating that I helped instill. I feel like all I have is hindsight 20/20, with no foresight. I don't know what to do from this point on to change the damage I have already done. I need wisdom.
The scriptures say if anyone lacks wisdom they should ask Yahweh (who gives generously to all without finding fault) and it will be given to them. So I ask for wisdom now and receive it by faith. I repent for the choices I made in the past out of convenience, pressure, stress, laziness, and fear. I commit to do what I know to do in all areas, and to let the Holy Spirit be my only guide. I cover Joshua in the blood of Yeshua and declare that no weapon formed against him prospers - not even my bad choices. He is 100% healthy and whole from the top of his head to the soles of his cute little feet. I receive forgiveness and a clean slate. Deep Breath. A clean slate. Oh that's good.
Now I can rest. Praise Yah.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
