The days escape me

Either I have this great epiphany I just know I'm going to write a ton about (and get intimidated by the ton), or I have my usual routine of a day and have nothing to say. Regardless, I haven't been writing. A lot of great, normal things are happening on a daily basis. I love stability. It's so nice to be settled. Even when small things come to rock the boat, I don't care because I'm happy to be in a boat instead of swimming by myself and getting tossed around by waves. Yeah, it's late and I'm not making sense. I'm just grateful to be me right now.

7 Random Facts About Me

Um, I got tagged. I don't really get what I'm supposed to do...but here are 7 random facts about the Yadinator:

1. I was Student Council President from 8th grade through my second year of college. I ran every year and was undefeated through middle school, high school and college (then I got academically dismissed from school). Yep.

2. I was the prom queen. Really.

3. I hardly ever eat candy anymore, but when eating a Snickers bar I do it in the following order: I nibble the chocolate all the way around first, then I eat the nougat, then I have the peanuts and caramel last.

4. I rock at Sudoku.

5. I know all the words (including the songs) to West Side Story (the movie).

6. I started and ran a bunch of clubs in elementary school. I'd hand out membership cards. Mine would say, "Leader" and everyone else's would say, "Just in it". LOL.

7. For most of my life I really thought I would name my first born son Sebastian.

The Delight - The Torture - The Revelation

The Delight

Joshua turned one on Thursday (January 10th, my Point of Creation baby). We did a little "photo shoot" at home so I could get my feet wet. It was fun; a lot of work, but more fun. I picked my sister up after work in the city on Friday and we went to the Garden State Plaza to watch "P.S. I Love You". I so enjoyed my little girl's night out. On Saturday my father, step mom and little brother came from Long Island to spend the weekend with us and celebrate Joshua's birthday. We had so much fun. New Jersey has never felt more like home than this past weekend. I even found out that after my youngest brother graduates H.S., they're all planning on moving to Jersey. WOOHOO! Pure delight. On top of all that, I finally got a release in my spirit from fretting over my sister's 2 year long relationship with her boyfriend. I finally let it go. Her decisions are not up to me. Period. Oh that feels good.

The Torture

Disclaimer: This might get a little graphic. I do have Pierre's permission to write it. He thinks it could help someone. I know it helped me.

I love my husband. I know that in my mind. Yet for the past week or so I found myself tortured with thoughts that I had settled for someone I didn't really find attractive. Did I just marry Pierre because he was the most persistent? It seemed to me that everyone was married to men they were physically attracted to except me. There was no chemistry, no oomph, no passion coming from my side anymore. I just didn't feel anything physical for him. I kept praying for God to help me be attracted to him again. I felt so horrible as a wife. Here I have a husband who wants to communicate, be affectionate and attentive, and I was just cold. I reminded God of some of the miracles He performed in His word, some I've heard about in this present day, some I've seen - and that if He could do all that, surely He could make me attracted to my husband. I tried meditating on the times when we were dating and couldn't keep our hands off each other (within limits). I tried remembering when I felt that "in love" feeling. Nothing worked. I cried and cried. I was trying to get to a better mindset, but I couldn't hear God from where I was. If that wasn't bad enough, suddenly everywhere I went there were "attractive" men staring at me and I was fighting myself not to enjoy it.

Then last night we were laying in bed in our usual manner - him trying to get close, me trying to get away. I couldn't help but cry, right there in front of him. Am I dysfunctional? Was I sexually abused as I child and I just don't remember it? He started to speak the word. My whole body turned to face him, almost on its own. He started to speak of his weaknesses, I turned away again. He said we needed to know one another better. That's when it happened. I opened my mouth and it all spilled out. "No we don't."

The Revelation

My answer came pouring out of my mouth before I could stop it. I realized why I married this man, why I was so physically attracted to him in the past, and why I wasn't now. Pierre and I were trying to mesh our broken selves, instead of meshing our spirit selves. I was taking old Yadi from the block, dusting her off, throwing a dress and some makeup on her and presenting her to my husband - meanwhile Yadira Torres from Patchogue was crucified a long time ago. Why was I trying to resurrect her? She's prideful, selfish, arrogant, stubborn and her own boss. She wouldn't make a good wife by any one's definition. In the same manner, Pierre was taking his crucified self, throwing a suit on him and calling him good. Pierre's dead man is angry, judgemental and critical. Those are the people we were trying to make get along. That was never God's intention.

I believe Yahweh allows frustration in our lives to get our attention. Sometimes comfort muffles the voice of the Holy Spirit. Frustration has a way of drawing us to the throne room of grace for some gosh darn answers. Pierre and I need to know each other after the spirit, not after the flesh. My spirit man and his spirit man together can move mountains and overturn corruption. My flesh and his flesh can't even agree on what to have for dinner. When we were dating, and early in our marriage, everything was about the word. That man was sexy. After a couple years of marriage, a son and a few too many bad financial choices, we turned into the couple that "goes to church together". That man is repulsive.

I now believe that the very thing I thought was so horrible about me is actually Yahweh's divine plan to keep us both connected to the vine. The sexy man and the repulsive man are both looking me in the face every single day. It's my choice who I speak to, who I respond to, who I serve and love. My choice. The more I put the word in, the more I am able to see the sexy man; the man of God. There is nothing sexier to me. That's a relief, trust me.

After I explained all this to Pierre, he started speaking from the overflow of the word that resides in his heart and I couldn't keep my hands off him. That was goooood. More than that, it was an answer to prayer. TMI? Probably. But this blog is for me, afterall. I need to remember this. Here's to many nights of passion!

The Junk - The Dream - The Promise

The Junk

I didn't know that the enemy uses STUFF to steal our joy. I'm well aware of the people tactic. I've gotten much better at guarding my heart and my peace when it comes to people. Yet I realized yesterday that most of my stress and mental drain is a result of STUFF. The dishes pile up, Joshua's toys are scattered everywhere, furniture gets dusty, and somehow there is always more STUFF than I have a place for. In the grand scheme of things, it's all junk. I will not let it steal my peace anymore.

The Dream

God reprimanded me in my dream last night. He said I don't allow myself to dream big anymore because as soon as I think of something, I put the "we can't afford that" label on it. I live as though there are things that are too impossible for God. The level God wants to bring me is high, the level I can imagine myself at is lower, and the level I actually shoot for is lower than that. He showed me I don't need more money, I need more faith. Faith is my currency.

The Promise

I read two things before going to bed that struck me as a rhema word: In John 15 it says that if you are connected to the vine, you will bring forth a great harvest - and that brings glory to the Father. I want that more than ever. In Ecclesiastes (ch 5, I believe) it asks what the point is of having more money since you will always spend to the limit of your income anyway. I don't want more money so I can spend more money. I just want to be financially free to do what we're called to as a family...and I can have that freedom right now if I choose it. It's actually a state of faith. His promises to me are yay and amen, despite my bank account numbers. My promise to Him is to take the limits off (kinda reminds me of a song I heard once).

Testimony!!

I tried to think of a few cute names for the title of today's post, but nothing does it justice other than that. Joshua's birthday is coming up on the 10th and I wanted to get portraits of him done. After reviewing everything, I decided it would be more fun (and creative) to do them myself. My camera has fallen on its head more than once and is a bit too temperamental to get good shots of an active toddler. I remembered my father-in-law having a camera at our wedding, and I know he always buys the best, so I asked him if I could borrow his camera for the shoot. He agreed to let me borrow it and I went over yesterday to get it.

Maybe I wasn't paying attention in the past, or maybe it's the fact that I didn't know anything at all about cameras back then...but I definitely didn't remember him having a camera like the one I saw him take out of the box. I was drooling. He hadn't used it in over a year because it was "giving him problems". The issue wasn't the camera. The issue was that it wasn't a point and shoot camera like he wanted, it was an SLR (one of those cameras you need to study photography to know how to use). This was a fully automatic AND fully manual $1500 digital Canon. I held it in my hands and it was weighty; heavy even. I said, "Thank you so much for letting me use this!" He said, "Yeah, you can use it to take pictures of Joshua this week. No problem." My wheels started turning. I said, "Did mommy tell you I want to do a photography studio out of the house?" He said, "No, she didn't tell me that." He seemed completely uninterested and busy with what he was doing so I didn't pursue the conversation. Instead I played with the camera a bit, quickly getting drawn in by the complexities I had been reading about this week. I put the strap around my neck and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. A photographer? Me? Oh my gosh, it was growing on me quickly. I got lost in the world of possibilities.

Then suddenly, in the midst of pulling out all the equipment he had bought for this camera, I heard him talking to Pierre about future things that went beyond just this week (like buying me a new tripod). I interrupted their conversation, "Wait a minute, you're gonna let me use all this stuff for my studio?" He said, "Yeah! It's just sitting here in the box collecting dust. If you can do something good with it go ahead!" He was so sincere, so generous, so surprised that I was surprised. I said, "Serge, you're like making my dream come true right now." He smiled, but I could tell he didn't fully understanding what this meant to me. I felt my knees getting weak and I passed out on the floor, literally. I was half joking in my dramatic manner, but I was seriously having trouble standing. Someone handed me something I could not have obtained on my own any time soon. This doesn't happen every day.

When I got up off the floor I went to the bathroom and just cried. I praised Yahweh and asked Him to help me always glorify Him with this camera. I was overwhelmed with gratitude and excitement! I must've hugged Serge about 4 times before we left. That's more than I've hugged him since I've known him. I walked out of there with a barely used professional camera, professional tripod (with the promise of a new one) and a zoom lens that costs over $600 all by itself. Suddenly all the camera lingo and technical mumbo-jumbo I detested was my new "must-know" secular topic for the year. I came home and started taking pictures right away. What a difference! I'm hooked. I truly enjoy photography AND photoshop editing (is there a place for me in the world? lol). I will be shooting fully automatic at first, but that manual side is calling my name and I will answer. More importantly, it has become quite obvious who is really calling my name in all this, and that is a sobering thought.

Before I went to bed I accidentally erased all the pictures I had taken. I have lots to learn...lol...but it's ON now!!

Point and Shoot? Nope.

I've been researching photography equipment for the studio I want to do out of my home this year. Did I write about that here yet...probably not. We have a spare bedroom on the first floor which we call the "Family Room". It would be better termed the "Junk Room". Everything gets thrown in there; baby toys, bassinets, craft supplies, dvds, gifts that don't really go anywhere in the house, exercise stuff, etc. My husband thought it would be a good idea to turn my hobby and love of photography into a business. He's funny that way. At least he's not the "get rich quick" guy who tries every new scheme that hits the scene. He's the "turn your passion into mula" guy. I can handle that. So since the room is still completely unfurnished after almost 3 years of living here, we decided to put it to good use. Everything always seems super easily doable until you start crunching the numbers and finding out all that is needed; lights, camera, action - indeed.

I found out professional cameras are not only mad expensive (even on Ebay I'm breaking the bank) but extremely intricate to use. Can't I just point at my subject and shoot? No...I have to know about apetures, shutter speeds, "F stops" and flash syncs. Can't I just turn on all the lights so my picture isn't dark? No...I have to know about soft boxes, umbrellas and slave flashes. Even the backdrops are a heap of details. Can't I just call the room a studio and open up for business? No...I have to check zoning restrictions in my area, register as a business, set up insurance and find decent print labs to handle the photos once I take them.

What I've learned overall is that I am not a photographer. I am a graphics designer. The fun for me is in the editing. So I will have my ghetto fabulous photography studio with equipment that works best for my level of exerptise and still produce a better product through editing that some can produce after years of classes. People who are photographers by craft detest the digital editors like myself. Yet I can't deny the part that makes me happy - taking a good photo and making it extraordinary. My work will speak for itself.

Suddenly?

I don't know what it is about this year but I'm loving it. Whatever mental blocks were holding me back last year seem to have dissipated. I feel awesome, motivated, strong, and focused. Better yet, I feel loving and confident with Pierre. I don't need to have the last word, I don't need to prove my point, I don't even need to get my way. I'm telling you, it's a really strange feeling. I like it. I know, I know, it's only been two days. It doesn't matter. Something is different in the air. Something is different in me. Perhaps this is one of those "suddenlys" the bible always speaks of. Suddenly I'm a new woman. This is good.

Woohoo! 2008 is here!

As I watched the ball drop with my husband yesterday, I was a bit disappointed to see 2007 go. It was a good year; so much to be grateful for. I found myself facing a year with so much promise...and responsibility. This year I am taking on my weight with a vengence. In order to do this, of course, I have started a team. I figured out that I can't really accomplish anything without leading other people in the very thing I'm trying to accomplish. Knowing this about myself, I started a group in cafemom that now has 81 motiviated women who are willing to let me help them lose weight this year. Hence, I have no doubt I will accomplish my weight loss goal. This leads me to believe that I should make a team for every area of my life; Spiritual, Mental, Emotional (??), Social and Financial. Hmmmm...food for thought.