The Delight - The Torture - The Revelation

The Delight

Joshua turned one on Thursday (January 10th, my Point of Creation baby). We did a little "photo shoot" at home so I could get my feet wet. It was fun; a lot of work, but more fun. I picked my sister up after work in the city on Friday and we went to the Garden State Plaza to watch "P.S. I Love You". I so enjoyed my little girl's night out. On Saturday my father, step mom and little brother came from Long Island to spend the weekend with us and celebrate Joshua's birthday. We had so much fun. New Jersey has never felt more like home than this past weekend. I even found out that after my youngest brother graduates H.S., they're all planning on moving to Jersey. WOOHOO! Pure delight. On top of all that, I finally got a release in my spirit from fretting over my sister's 2 year long relationship with her boyfriend. I finally let it go. Her decisions are not up to me. Period. Oh that feels good.

The Torture

Disclaimer: This might get a little graphic. I do have Pierre's permission to write it. He thinks it could help someone. I know it helped me.

I love my husband. I know that in my mind. Yet for the past week or so I found myself tortured with thoughts that I had settled for someone I didn't really find attractive. Did I just marry Pierre because he was the most persistent? It seemed to me that everyone was married to men they were physically attracted to except me. There was no chemistry, no oomph, no passion coming from my side anymore. I just didn't feel anything physical for him. I kept praying for God to help me be attracted to him again. I felt so horrible as a wife. Here I have a husband who wants to communicate, be affectionate and attentive, and I was just cold. I reminded God of some of the miracles He performed in His word, some I've heard about in this present day, some I've seen - and that if He could do all that, surely He could make me attracted to my husband. I tried meditating on the times when we were dating and couldn't keep our hands off each other (within limits). I tried remembering when I felt that "in love" feeling. Nothing worked. I cried and cried. I was trying to get to a better mindset, but I couldn't hear God from where I was. If that wasn't bad enough, suddenly everywhere I went there were "attractive" men staring at me and I was fighting myself not to enjoy it.

Then last night we were laying in bed in our usual manner - him trying to get close, me trying to get away. I couldn't help but cry, right there in front of him. Am I dysfunctional? Was I sexually abused as I child and I just don't remember it? He started to speak the word. My whole body turned to face him, almost on its own. He started to speak of his weaknesses, I turned away again. He said we needed to know one another better. That's when it happened. I opened my mouth and it all spilled out. "No we don't."

The Revelation

My answer came pouring out of my mouth before I could stop it. I realized why I married this man, why I was so physically attracted to him in the past, and why I wasn't now. Pierre and I were trying to mesh our broken selves, instead of meshing our spirit selves. I was taking old Yadi from the block, dusting her off, throwing a dress and some makeup on her and presenting her to my husband - meanwhile Yadira Torres from Patchogue was crucified a long time ago. Why was I trying to resurrect her? She's prideful, selfish, arrogant, stubborn and her own boss. She wouldn't make a good wife by any one's definition. In the same manner, Pierre was taking his crucified self, throwing a suit on him and calling him good. Pierre's dead man is angry, judgemental and critical. Those are the people we were trying to make get along. That was never God's intention.

I believe Yahweh allows frustration in our lives to get our attention. Sometimes comfort muffles the voice of the Holy Spirit. Frustration has a way of drawing us to the throne room of grace for some gosh darn answers. Pierre and I need to know each other after the spirit, not after the flesh. My spirit man and his spirit man together can move mountains and overturn corruption. My flesh and his flesh can't even agree on what to have for dinner. When we were dating, and early in our marriage, everything was about the word. That man was sexy. After a couple years of marriage, a son and a few too many bad financial choices, we turned into the couple that "goes to church together". That man is repulsive.

I now believe that the very thing I thought was so horrible about me is actually Yahweh's divine plan to keep us both connected to the vine. The sexy man and the repulsive man are both looking me in the face every single day. It's my choice who I speak to, who I respond to, who I serve and love. My choice. The more I put the word in, the more I am able to see the sexy man; the man of God. There is nothing sexier to me. That's a relief, trust me.

After I explained all this to Pierre, he started speaking from the overflow of the word that resides in his heart and I couldn't keep my hands off him. That was goooood. More than that, it was an answer to prayer. TMI? Probably. But this blog is for me, afterall. I need to remember this. Here's to many nights of passion!