It's about that time

We're coming up on the end of the year - all that buzz is in the air. New Beginnings. I can't help but reflect on 2007 when I see my little boy wobbling around the house like I was wobbling this time last year at 9 months pregnant. The growth that takes place in a child in the course of a year is amazing to me. When the bible says to be childlike, I automatically think of certain attributes: trusting, joyful, exuberant, teachable. I didn't realize until watching my son this past year that it also means ever growing. I veer from being childlike when I stop changing and evolving; when I settle into the current situation and just talk about going higher like it's some distant fantasy. For a child, it's not a discussion. It's not even a choice. Anyway, I digress.

This year was great. Spiritually I grew in my understanding of faith. It's not just a confession or something I try to convince myself of. It's something I expect and act on. Physically I experienced natural childbirth and realized my true capabilities as a woman. Pain is no joke. Mentally I overdosed on baby books to my own detriment and found out that none of that stuff holds a candle to the wisdom of the Holy Spirit (duh). Emotionally I got through the three longest months of my life and still don't understand why those first few weeks were so excruciatingly hard. Hormones? My personality? It's gotta be easier next time. I also saw that whenever I was dead set against something in my self-righteous mind (ie; "I will NEVER give my child formula!"), circumstances forced me to do those very things. Yet when I had my heart set on something in humility, it came to pass just as I desired. Socially I became a mom and found myself feeling like a teenage mother out of wedlock every time I walked down the street with a stroller. I guess some race issues got into my psyche and didn't surface until mom status. That was weird. Financially I learned a little more about what I'm worth and am looking forward to making some substantial money in 2008.

I wish those few sentences could really do justice to my year, but they're like a grain of sand on the beach of 2007. I don't want to let another life changing year go by without documenting it. I am in awe of this year. I am satisfied, and ready for more. My goal for 2008 is to be more childlike than I've ever been:)

PS: For posterity I need to write that right now my husband is in MA on his second round of interviews for a new job with higher pay and more job satisfaction (no, we're not moving). He has grown into a more confident man this year in so many areas. He's not willing to settle anymore, either. I'm so proud of him.

I knew this would get harder

So it's easy to write when there is peace in my home and everything is hunky dory (whatever that means). Things are not always peaceful, though. Sometimes my husband and I are seemingly on two different planets. Sometimes pride gets the best of us and we are less than loving. Sometimes we are both just plain horrible to one another. It's been two days of this. We never argue over anything substantial. It's always the nitpicky things that escalate for no good reason. Most of the time he will come and apologize for his behavior and everything is fine...not that it's always his fault; he's just always the one to apologize. Other times, like now, he'll just decide on his own that the fight is over and resume normal conversation/activity as if nothing ever happened. That's the worst! No apology, no acknowledgment of wrong behaviors and attitudes, not even a bashful "I was an idiot" look. Nothing. All of a sudden everything in his mind is fine and I'm the one that's upset for no reason. I'm left in the argument by myself, pouting around like a dork while he's as happy as can be - acting like I'm the one with the problem. My husband is fabulous most of the time, but it's times like this that make me want to scream. Does he do this because he knows he was so wrong that an apology wouldn't even cut it so he just ignores it? If his therapy is to act like nothing ever happened, mine is to write. I will write until I feel better. I will write until it all makes sense. I will write until I forget how mad I am and simply enjoy my life. I will write until I feel like being nice again. Ok, I really can't write that long. It just isn't fair to provoke and hurt someone with your words and attitude, then want to smile and kiss them with no remorse. That doesn't even seem sane. Doesn't forgiveness come after an apology? I guess not. Once again, I ask Yahweh to help me do something I'm incapable of doing in my own strength. I've been doing that a lot lately. I ask Him to help me forgive when it's not deserved. Help me forgive when I'm sooo right to be unforgiving. Help me forget when it seems as though I'd be letting him "win" if I do. Help me Love. So of course what immediately comes to mind is Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. Deep breath. Ok.

It's Monday morning...hopes are high

On Monday mornings there is a newness and expectation in me. Granted, I am a stay at home mom and do not have the common back to work drudge that accompanies Mondays for most. Yet it's more than that. It feels like whatever I did (or didn't do) last week is so over and now I am ready to start a fresh week with renewed determination to make my life great. That feeling usually fades before noon, though. That's why I am writing this morning...in the hopes that the feeling turns into a decision. Oh, if you need motivation for anything I am your girl! I can inspire a politician to be honest! When it comes to myself, though, it's sometimes hard to get out of bed. I think God is funny in that sense. What we call weaknesses, he calls strengths. The fact that I can't provide for myself what I can for others makes me unable to hide behind four walls - I NEED to interact with people. I don't have it all together by myself. Knowing that I must have strong relationships with kindred spirits makes me strong. It's those of us who insist we can wander from the pack and make it on our own that get picked off. I'm recovering from Independitis. I'd rather flourish than wallow in my limitations. So on this Monday morning, hopes are high - not in my own good feelings, but in my ability to stay connected to those who love me and want to see me grow. Yeah, that's good.

So here I am

Last night my husband told me he wants to go to Long Island for Christmas Eve. I cried, which kinda surprised me. I didn't know how much I missed my family until he said we were going for Christmas. Mind you, we live in New Jersey - only about an hour and a half away. Yet there is something so primal, so innate about being "home" for the holidays. There is a joy so ingrained in me about buying gifts for my family, wrapping them and seeing them delight in my choices for them. I love the smell of Spanish food, the sound of my music, the corny jokes my father tells and the sarcastic ones of my brothers. I love the hugs, the pictures and the buzz of people coming and going. Something about being home reminds me of who I am. Yes, I am a wife and mom...but I was a daughter and sister first. I was a creative entrepreneur first. I was an inspirational leader first. I was the goody-goody of the family first. I was the God fearing woman first. I was the dancer, singer, writer, artist and vegetarian first. Who knew that the thought of going home would bring back the original me that was hidden under my interpretation of wife and mom. I think the new me can really flourish with the original me. So here I am. All of me in one place. It's good to be home.