Yadira Laguerre

Shutting down this blog...

2009-04-30T21:08:00.002-04:00

Well, it's sad but true. I've been blogging on this site for over a year and a half and it is now coming to an end. However, I will not be leaving the world of blogging (how could I??). I have kept a separate photography blog all along and as I'm moving more towards defining myself as a photographer, I feel I should simply have the one blog where I write about everything from my personal life to my career adventures in one spot. No doubt, the photography blog will probably never be as deep or personal as this has gotten...but then again, who am I kidding? I will always be an open book. Please join me at the new blog where it'll still be me, just with pictures :)

This will be the last entry for this blog.

So Happy - So ME!

2009-04-11T23:20:00.002-04:00

Woooohoooo! I finished rebuilding my website today and I LOVE IT! lol. Seriously, this whole branding thing has opened my eyes to something I've been telling other people for years...there is no one else in the world like you. You are unique, celebrate what makes you YOU. It's a duh statement, but how many times do we go around in circles trying to figure out who we are "supposed" to be, when the answer is staring us in the mirror? Geez.

I was hard pressed to design a logo so I always just used my company name - until I realized today that the way I've always signed my initials looks like YLD (used to look like YTD) because I do it in script with a circle around it. So I wrote it, scanned it, and TADA - instant logo :) Love it.

I'm just so happy to finally have a website that reflects who I am and what I'm all about. I'm going to be adding videos and other fun content to build a community and keep people coming back to the site.

Please check it out and leave me your feedback. xoxo
www.yadiralaguerre.com

Branding and Marketing

2009-04-09T11:39:00.004-04:00

"Don't look at someone else's cake (finished product) and lament because yours doesn't look like that. Realize that you have all the right ingredients - mix it up and make your own cake!" - Thesha Bove (my good friend)

I have been led lately to reinvent myself as a photographer/business person. I started last year and strictly put myself in a box as a children's photographer. Everything from my website to my business cards were geared towards getting that market. Yet the people who have sought out my services have been musicians, actors, models and entrepreneurs. I realized that I truly enjoy photographing adults, and if I need a children fix, I've got my own beautiful subjects :) Not that I will never take pictures of other families and children again, but I'm just busting out of that box.

So in my quest to market and brand myself, I reconnected with a good friend from years ago, Thesha Bove. We attended the same church at the time (the infamous Jesus Is Lord) and have both since gone in separate directions. I had no idea that she is a marketing guru extraordinaire in the making. She has in two conversations reawakened me and lit me on fiyah! It's nice to have someone else do that for you when you absolutely love doing it for others (what's that thing about sowing and reaping? lol). Everything I had read said I had to pick a certain aspect of photography, that I had to label myself. She made me realize that I am a photojournalist, an editorial photographer, one who tells the story through pictures...and that story can be anything. She confirmed that the best advertising I can do is through networking (which I've avoided but can totally get into). She reminded me that my image needs to be edgy and artsy (which my friend Tarsha told me years ago). That completely resonates with me.

In searching out different branding/marketing articles on the web, I inadvertently came across Jasmine Star, a born again photographer from California. She is absolutely amazing and speaks to me on so many levels. She left law school to become a photographer after being inspired by her own wedding photographer (David Jay) and is now at the top of her industry after only two years. When Thesha told me the girl reminds her of me, I was floored. Seriously? That's when she said what I quoted at the top of this page. I am so super excited to mix up my own ingredients and get a cake, instead of trying to get the ingredients that will make all the pretty cakes I've seen. David Jay is another born again photographer from California who is equally amazing. He tours the country and gives lectures about photography. I just became his fan on facebook (lol).

I say all this to say that today I am inspired. I am inspired by my friend, Thesha, who has marvelously gotten me back on track. I am inspired by these two wonderful photographers that I've never met who are bold bodacious Christians, excellent in what they do. Most of all, I must say, I am inspired by all the wonderful things that are in ME that I get to pull out and use to paint a beautiful tapestry. I've spent so much time pulling out the gifts in others compared to the amount of time I've spent looking inward to find out what Yah put in me. I have a feeling there's some good stuff in there and I'm looking forward to what my own "brand" will look like. Let the baking begin!

My church life...then and now.

2009-04-01T19:59:00.005-04:00

Pierre went to work and left me the car so I could join him at church later. He told me to let him know if I wasn't going to come so he could find an alternate way home. The very fact that I would even consider not going to church with a car sitting in my driveway sparked a lot of internal questions. I actually didn't end up going because it was raining - but there was a time in my life when that would not have been an excuse.

Say what you want to say about Jesus Is Lord Church in Holtsville, Long Island, but that place kept me on target. We had Monday night prayer, Wednesday night choir practice, Thursday night service, Friday night dance practice, Saturday night Cross Fire (youth) and Sunday morning service. Yes, folks, I was in church at least 6 days a week...when we had a special guest or tent revival it was sometimes two weeks straight, twice on some days. Did anything stop me from going to church then? Nothing. Seriously, NO THING.

I got into a car accident on the way to church once; totalled my brother's car. I called for a ride and still went to church that night. There were many times I didn't have a ride - I would walk the 4.5 miles, most of which was along a busy highway with no sidewalk. I took taxis to church a few times. There was one time I drove to church in a serious blizzard, with my muffler dragging in the snow behind me the entire way. Those are just a few of the things I remember doing to get to church. There was never an option not to go...and I most certainly was never stopped by rain.

When I first started coming to Faith Exchange, the fervor carried over. I would leave work early for midweek service so I could catch the LIRR and get to church. I would take that same LIRR home and arrive back in Long Island after 1am. I was a live-in tutor at the time with a very nice family who used to wait up for me every week to turn off the alarm and let me in. I did a lot of crazy things to get to church back then. Tonight I was stopped by rain.

Well, Yadira, you have a family now. You can't be doing all those crazy things with two young ones. True. I wouldn't do the things I did back then...but drive my own car door to door? That's hardly crazy. The fact is that although Faith Exchange is my church home, something(s) is/are missing - and have been for a while. I have the main course, but without the appetizer or the dessert. I have the green smoothie without the fruit, the raw diet without guacamole...the pasteles without the ketchup!! Until I find the pieces to fill in those missing parts, the rain that once spelled blessing and melodies from heaven only serves to douse my fire. I love Yeshua. I do. ...and I need more.

The power of prayer - oops.

2009-03-28T08:59:00.002-04:00

This past Tuesday was my birthday. I realize I didn't write anything on that day so I just wanted to jot down for my own memory that it was really nice. My dad called first thing in the morning to sing Happy Birthday to me (which is the best gift I could ever receive from him). Him and Gladys got to speak to Joshua and Juliette - yes, Juliette. She talks a lot at a little less than 3 months. It was cute. I also got dozens upon dozens upon dozens of cheers and regards from my friends through facebook. Pierre and I took the evening to eat at Pure Food and Wine in Manhattan, and we saw the moving Knowing (Nicholas Cage, one of my favorite actors). I didn't enjoy those activities much except that I was with my best friend and that made it wonderful.

Ok, so now on to today. I had a slumber party last night and there were about 13 ladies plus me. We stayed up talking until after 5am. One of the subjects we touched was knowing that I Am. We pondered the question, what if we walked in our authority to such a level that everything we said literally came to pass exactly when we said it? A lot of us would have to live with regret until we got our tongues in order. Well, little did I know that I was walking that out.

Earlier in the week my pastor asked if he could come to the slumber party and speak with the women for about an hour. I reluctantly said yes. I say reluctantly in all honesty because I really wanted the women to have a night of rest and relaxation, where they just spoke openly to one another and could enjoy being with other women of like faith. The entire week I was complaining, literally, about how I didn't want him to come and do some heavy thing. I wanted the get together to be light and fun. I even prayed, "Yahweh, please just let him not come somehow. Speak to him or something and convince him not to come." I didn't believe that prayer for a second because obviously I thought my pastor had the upper hand in getting his desires across before my selfish desires. I was wrong.

The night progressed and everyone got here. Turned out I was the only one who really didn't want him here. Everyone kept asking for him, looking forward to hearing what he had to say. We kept calling him on his cell phone and only got his voice mail. The women all stayed up talking, laughing, ministering, praying, and laughing some more until around 5am - but something was missing. Pastor Dan never showed up.

I found him on facebook just now and IM'd him. Here's the conversation:

8:52amYadira
pastor dan we missed you last night

Dan
Oh my gosh.... My wife was in such severe pain that I completely spaced it. We had her in the doctors office.
I am so sorry.

Yadira
her teeth again?
is she ok??
:(

Dan
No, not this time. It was her hand. It is all swollen.
Oh, my gosh... I can't believe I did that. I didn't even remember until you said something. Please give my love to everybody and my sincerest apologies. Wow... I never do that. Something must have completely blocked me.

Yadira
wow - well you know you were exactly where you needed to be exactly when you needed to be there. no worries...:) her hand - is that random or did she do something to it?

Dan
It seems random. It has an infection. She didn't cut it or sprain it. I hope you had a wonderful evening.

Yadira
we had a girly evening of talking, talking and more talking. went to bed after 5am
Yeshua was lifted up. it was good

Dan
Great. How many ladies? Sonya, Drea, Neubela, Rachael, Eunice, Kim M., Jo,

Yadira
Drea's 2 friends, Christine patterson, kelly jones, Jo rolle,
not eunice

Dan
Kelly, Christine, Dreas friends? Kiana

Yadira
tamiko and yvonne comordo

Dan
nice...

Yadira
Drea's friends Aya and catherine
gloria bradford
satoya
i think that's it. 13 in all, + me

At that point he went offline. So my question is, how many levels of that is my doing? Him not coming? Him completely forgetting, which caused him not to come? Pastor Annie having an infection in her hand, which caused him to forget, which caused him not to come?? I'm a bit sobered right now, and sad that I let my own flesh get in the way of whatever blessing was meant for the ladies last night. I don't believe anything is coincidence, and although I am a firm believer that things happen the way they should - I don't think they happened the way they should've last night. I think last night was simple sowing and reaping on my part, and my reaping had negative affects on other people. That's real.

Calling ALL married ladies...let me TRASH YOUR DRESS!

2009-03-25T12:57:00.001-04:00

This is a casting call for any woman who would be willing to put on their wedding dress one last time for some amazing photos...

Why suffocate your wedding dress in a box for the rest of its life? You are married now and you have wonderful memories to cherish from your unforgettable day! You know darn well your daughter will not want to wear your dress 20-30 years from now! lol

Why settle for your beautiful gown being stashed away in a closet somewhere when you have the possibility of getting some amazing photos - you sure paid enough for it. Bring your dresses out, steam them or have them pressed and put them on for the photo shoot of a lifetime!

I am not talking about posed, every day, and sometimes rather boring wedding photos. I'm talking about edgy, artsy, wild and crazy editorial type photos. I need to build my TTD portfolio, so I'm offering this to my friends for $35. You read right! This is something I will be charging hundreds of dollars for. You can take advantage now for this incredible low price + you will get a few prints of your favorite photos as my gift to you. Hey - throw a suit on your hubby and get him involved, too! I'm willing to do (6) of these shoots. First come, first served.

Monday: Weekend Update

2009-03-16T22:35:00.002-04:00

Soooo...on Friday Pierre went away to a men's retreat and I was here with the kiddos all weekend. We actually had a great time. Friday night I watched The Family Man after I put Joshua in bed. I really enjoy Nicholas Cage in all his movies. The Family Man is an oldie but a goodie. I liked it. Catch it on Hulu if you haven't seen it.

On Saturday I opened my business bank account - yay! I'm officially official. The fact that I have to have $1000 minimum in the account after the first year bothered me a bit, though. Not because I don't think I'll have $1000, but because with everything the way it is I want to stay as liquid as possible. I realize now, though, that $1000 is not a lot to have tied up when you consider the big picture. I'm sure there are business accounts that require more. Then again, what do I know? I'm just happy to be legal.

After the bank I took the kiddos to the park. Watching Joshua in public places with other children is always amusing to me. He literally went and stood in the middle of the playground to watch all the children. He's the supervisor, always has been. He finally decided to play, and even that is funny. He was running up and down the ramp saying, "Weeeeee!" I didn't bother explaining to him that the ramp is not "the fun part" of the playground. He seemed to think it was. Eventually he made it over to a slide.

That night we went to celebrate my friend's 40th birthday in the city. Joshua danced the night away and Juliette smiled at everyone who came over to say hello. It was a lot of fun. We didn't leave there until midnight, and then I had to drive back to Jersey. You would think Joshua conked out in the car as soon as he got into his seat - but no. He was talking the whole way home, mostly about all the foods he ate. He had a blast.

Speaking of food – let me just go on record as saying that cooked food sucks. I've been eating cooked foods all weekend and I feel like crap...lethargic, foggy, heavy. The dark circles under my eyes are back, I’m craving junk food and I’m tossing in my sleep. That said, I had THE MOST AMAZING toasted almond cake the whole weekend and that, my friends, was worth it all. Back to raw.

Sunday was chill. I overslept and missed church, so I took the kiddos to the local park. Today I spent a good portion of the day updating my website. I got my exercise videos in the mail - watched one with Joshua. I’ll do it tomorrow. I’m looking forward to it!

Oh my goodness…I almost forgot the best part of the whole weekend. On Sunday night, my friend (Barbara Lindorme) called to pray with me. We used to pray together all the time back when I was single. We talked for a little bit, set up a weekly time to pray, and decided to pray a little right then and there since we were already on the phone. Well let me just say that I haven’t cried like that in a long time. We both wept because of the presence of the Lord. It was cleansing, affirming, beautiful. I was so inspired that I was actually going to pray on the daily prayer call this morning instead of just listen…but I fell asleep a few minutes into it. Darn cooked foods. :)

Thursday: I did it!

2009-03-12T23:39:00.000-04:00

This morning I woke up bright and early to take the car before Pierre had to leave for client meetings. I drove down to that court and registered my trade name in Bergen County - yay! It was one of the easiest things I've ever done in my life...why the heck did I wait so long? Fear of the unknown. I had to fill out a piece of paper with like 5 basic questions, look through some huge archaic book to make sure my business name wasn't already taken, sign my name four times and pay $52. Seriously. That was it. I am the official business owner of YL Designs. I feel like registering SIX businesses! lol. This weekend I will open my business bank account.

I spent the rest of the day playing with my children, scanning old photos into fb and reading people's responses to them. I'll start on a schedule next week. Haha:)

Oh yeah...I almost forgot! I started listening to this interview about the affects of gluten on the body. Really interesting! ...And as an update, I am officially at my pre-Juliette pregnancy weight (178 lbs)! My next goal is to get to my pre-Joshua pregnancy weight (155 lbs).

Wednesday: Left without excuses

2009-03-11T21:46:00.000-04:00

I am a work from home mom of two small children. I run a business and a household, with a women's ministry on the back burner. It's pretty difficult for me to get a decent amount of things done on any given day - and definitely no where near the amount of things that need to get done in a week . I've had a lot of "reasons" for my lack of efficiency. I'm pregnant. I have a newborn. I have a toddler. I'm pregnant and have a toddler. I have a newborn and a toddler. Pierre and I want f-o-u-r children. This life cycle is pretty much going to be a part of my life for a very long while. It's about time to stop letting them be excuses.

Joshua slept over his grandma's house last night and Pierre was at customer meetings all day. It was just Juliette and me in the house all day long. I finished editing the photos from last Friday's shoot and I washed a few dishes. Other than that, I don't know where the day went...and there was no Joshua around to blame it on. As much as I hate to admit it, I need a schedule. Coming from one 9-5 desk job after another, to a place where I was free to do whatever whenever, I avoided the "S" word for many years. If I'm going to accomplish all the grand things in my mind and heart, I need to buckle down and structure my days. Tomorrow I will make a schedule.

Oh, I ordered some exercise DVDs from amazon today. They should be here next week. Healthy eating, business legalities, disciplines, clutter busting, schedules and exercise. Got it.

PS: The highlight of my day was this evening when Juliette laughed and laughed as we played peek-a-boo together for the first time :P She thinks I'm funny - I rock.

Tuesday: soooo quiet

2009-03-10T23:50:00.001-04:00

I woke up this morning determined to make my business legal down at the courthouse today. The combination of Pierre's work schedule and the court's schedule, however, got me there the moment they were closing. I will get it done this week for sure. I'm going to make it a sole proprietorship for now so that I don't need a separate tax ID number and can still do business as myself. Look at me talking all this legal mumbo jumbo. I'm excited to pay taxes from my own business. Really. I'm not excited about what they will be used for, but that's a whole other blog.

My mil requested that Joshua sleep over tonight since she's off tomorrow, so it has been a quiet evening at the Laguerre household. She informed me of some photography contest they're doing at the hospital where she works. The theme is "quiet time". Since before Juliette was born, I was picturing putting her in this yellow onesie with a frilly yellow skirt and leg warmers, sleeping on a big 'ole stuffed sheep. I figured this quiet evening would be a perfect time to take that shot, especially since it fits the theme of this contest.

Unfortunately, waiting for her to fit into THE outfit I wanted her to wear meant that she is now too large to lay on a stuffed sheep. It wasn't holding her weight, and she no longer likes to be in that cute little curled up sleeping position. Maybe I'll try that shot with my next newborn, several years from now. I'll probably end up entering the picture of her sleeping in the basket. The winning photos will get placed in patient rooms to encourage rest and healing. What a nice thing to do.

So the sheep idea didn't work, but I'm going to put her in that yellow outfit again and take some other pictures - she is too cute.

Monday: Getting down to business

2009-03-09T21:18:00.000-04:00

I am an artist. In pure artist form, I write songs that never get sung in public. I draw portraits with such attention to detail that it never looks exact enough to me. My mind is filled with many possibilities, but very few plans. I pour myself into every project until I cannot differentiate myself from what I’m doing. Always chasing the elusive perfection; that is an artist.

Last year I decided to take two of my artistic gifts and form a business. I converted a spare room in my home to a studio and started YL Designs Photography and Graphic Arts. To build my portfolio, I did several photo shoots for pennies and spent many hours editing the pictures to make them look the way I wanted. I didn’t make any money, per say, but I didn’t care – I was enjoying just honing my craft and learning new tricks.

These days I’m realizing that an artist cannot run a successful business. An artist is too personally attached to their product to release it before it’s “perfect”. The problem with that is that the artist is always growing and their idea of perfection keeps evolving, leaving the product perpetually unfinished. Professionals know that it’s not about the craft at all; it’s about letting go of the ideals and getting down to business. That is the journey I am currently on. It’s tedious, but necessary. In the end, I will have a successful business where I am profiting at doing what I love enough so that I can do what I love without having to profit. In the meantime, business plans, zoning laws, marketing tools, and financial statements will be my playground. Yay.

Fun Friday through Sancocho Sunday

2009-03-09T11:33:00.001-04:00

It's been a jam packed weekend! Friday I traveled to downtown Manhattan to take some artist headshots for a new show that will be airing soon, American Soul. It's a reality show chronicling several musicians on their way to accomplishing their goals in the industry. My friend is the executive producer and I'm so inspired by watching her do her thing. So many people talk about doing amazing feats, but their journey ends at the talk. This girl is unstoppable. She tried out for American Idol and got shot down in the first round of interviews – not for lack of talent, mind you – so now she's doing her own show. Why should Nigel Lithgow and Simon Cowel have all the fun? I love it.

You know me; I never let inspiration pass me without action. I spent Saturday morning writing out action steps for my YL Designs photography and graphic arts business - and I got a Ning page for Point of Creation so I can link it to the official website once it’s redesigned. I am literally swamped with photography and graphic design projects. Some are my own, but most are those I am being commissioned for – and I get a new request in my inbox almost daily. It’s definitely lighting a fire under my butt to get more organized so that nothing (namely my family and household) falls through the cracks. Pierre and I have made a concerted effort to put our family first. We take weekly date nights and make Saturdays our family day. This Saturday we pulled out the double stroller and spent the early evening at the park. With the summer coming, our weekends will be filled with family activities. As much as I love it, I never want work to take first place.

On Sunday marked 2 weeks of 100% raw…and that was the end of that. After church, Pierre decided he wanted to go visit my dad in Long Island. I prepared and bought a huge delicious salad to bring with me so I would have something to eat in a Spanish household. When we got there, however, we were informed that their friends found out we were coming over and decided to make a sancocho for us. Sancocho is a stew made with root vegetables, a Puerto Rican staple. Their friends are in their 70s and sancocho takes several hours to make. Could I have turned it down? Definitely – and that is why I didn’t. My decision to eat it wasn’t a matter of giving into temptation (if it was, I would not have eaten it); it was a matter of enjoying a meal made with love. I savored every bite and felt great afterwards – no condemnation. Why? I never set myself up by saying I would be 100% raw forever. I never said I would never eat such and such again, so I was free to partake of someone’s act of kindness without going back on my own words. Did it make me want to go back to eating cooked foods? Nope. I’m back to 100% raw until the next “special occasion” strikes.

That was my weekend in a nutshell:)

Too Through Thursday

2009-03-06T09:36:00.001-05:00

It's Friday morning as I write this. I didn't "feel" like writing yesterday. That's just the kind of day it was. I didn't "feel" like doing much of anything. I especially didn't "feel" like eating raw. That's when I knew I was on to something.

Whenever you are making positive changes in your life that will undoubtedly bring you further along in your divine destiny, you will hit a wall. I'm not talking about the regular obstacles that life throws in your way. I'm talking about that wall that seems to spring up out of nowhere when you are happily skipping through the field of change. It's a wall you didn't see coming, but will stop you almost every time if you didn't expect it.

That wall only pops up when you're on the verge of breakthrough. It's a wall that brings you to the end of yourself, and reminds you how seemingly "good" status quo was. The wall speaks, Who needs this change? It's not worth the effort. No one else is holding themselves to this standard and they're fine. You don't have to be so extreme. Just relax. When you hear this voice and "feel" like stepping back, that's the time to kick it into gear!

I'm too through with excuses, wilted dreams and half eaten endeavors. I'm too through with thinking, wishing and hoping. Life is meant to be lived to its fullest at every moment. Just DO it! I will. I am.

WAKE UP Wednesday

2009-03-04T22:26:00.000-05:00

Today seemed to go by so sloooowly, like I didn't get anything done. Yet it was the most productive day I've had in ages.

I woke up and got on the prayer call, read the book of Joel, did a load of laundry, made some dehydrated chips and zucchini hummus and worked out with Billy Blanks for 40 minutes - all in between the usual toddler/newborn duties. By the time I put Joshua in bed, I was so physically and mentally tired that I decided I was going to leave the house in it's chaotic state until the morning (a decision I have made one too many times).

Then I got the email.

As you know, I signed up for rawdiva's 30-day decluttering program. So far it has just been one pre-recorded webinar and a bunch of "inspirational" emails. Well today's email got PRACTICAL :) You know that surge of energy you get when someone calls and says something like, "I'm in the neighborhood, I'll stop by!"? You spring into action and tidy up as fast as you can, right? Well, they've found a way to give you that same surge even when no one is about to ring your doorbell. It's called the 15 Minute Blitz. You get a little timer (today I used my oven timer) and set it for 15 minutes. Then you race against the clock to get as much done as you can. You are free to reset the clock for as many 15 minute intervals as you want, but you only HAVE to do one.

I read that email and decided to try it. I went downstairs to that pile of dishes, set my timer, and worked as fast as I could. Juliette was kicking her legs and cooing - it felt like she was cheering me on! I had such a blast that I reset that timer for another 15 minutes, finished the whole kitchen and the entire first floor. By then I had so much energy I went upstairs and totally cleaned my room for the first time since Juliette took it over, and finished the night off with a nice long shower (even shaved my legs!).

Yes, ladies and gents. This has been WAKE UP Wednesday indeed. I have woken up to a new way of living. It's productive, powerful and procrastination-free!

Tahini Tuesday

2009-03-03T20:46:00.000-05:00

So this morning I woke up and the FIRST thing on my mind was the internet...gotta check my email, gotta see what the latest is on facebook, gotta read the newest blogs on rawmom, gotta gotta gotta! It scared me because those things should not be the first thing I think of in the morning. I should wake up with praise on my lips and thanksgiving in my heart for another wonderful day of life. I should wake up seeking direction from the One that knows what the day is supposed to be. I should not have any idols in my life.

With that, I decided I wasn't going to turn on the computer at all during the day. I lasted until a quarter to 1pm. Baby steps. Haha. When I did get on the computer, though, I made sure to check out the bible reading assignments for this month (Ruth, 1-2 Samuel, Joel, Matthew and Romans). I'll knock one of those books out tonight before going to bed.

In diet news, I was completely craving everything today. I had a little roasted garlic hummus to try and satisfy my week long zucchini hummus craving (which it didn't), but aside from that I'm still 100% raw. I ended up having some nuts and I made a salad dressing with tahini that satisfied my craving (finally!)...then Pierre came home with the zucchinis I'd been asking for. I'll have to make the hummus now anyway because I don't want the zucchinis to go to waste...but I'm so over it.

I have lost 9 lbs to date and my skin is glowiingggg. I've been watching season 7 of The Biggest Loser on Hulu and it's so inspiring. These people really push themselves way beyond their comfort zones. I want to sweat like that! Maybe tomorrow. lol.

PS: Juliette rolled over today from her belly to her back, twice. Cutest thing. She'll be 2 months old tomorrow.

Marvelous Monday

2009-03-02T18:26:00.000-05:00

I love March. My birthday is coming up on the 24th and I'm going to ask Pierre to take me to Pure Food and Wine, a gourmet raw food restaurant in Manhattan. The weekend after I'm hosting a slumber party at my house for the ladies at my church. That should be fun!

In diet news, I woke up this morning with chunks of mango in my poop. Grose - I know - but it had to be written because I ate that mango at 8pm and didn't go to bed until after midnight. That proves for me that digestion seriously slows down after dark. Imagine what all the heavy stuff I used to eat, way later than 8pm, was doing to my body. Ick.

Today was the first day after my weeklong raw food detox. I had a banana, two green smoothies, a huge salad and a mango. The only difference is that I added a tablespoon of EVOO to my salad because I figured I needed some fat. I'm really enjoying eating this way...now if I could only get my butt to exercise I'd be set!

In other news, Satoya showed interest in the Deeper Life today - a discipleship program going on at my church. I honestly haven't been doing it, but I told her if she wanted to join I would step up my game (since I'd be her mentor in the program). She wants to do it, so step it up I will. It's basically bible reading, prayer, fasting, exercise, acts of kindness, evangelism, increasing your vocab and keeping track of your giving. The hard part for me is remembering everything I did in order to hand in my report at the end of the month - but I can do a better job of tracking.

As far as my decluttering month, I haven't gotten any real assignments yet. I'll let you know as soon as I do and things get clutter-free around here!

Sunday: FINAL DAY of my raw food detox

2009-03-01T21:08:00.000-05:00

WOW! I did it!! 7 days of nothing but raw fruits and vegetables. That was an amazing experience and I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone for so many reasons:

1. You WILL lose weight, and it just may be the kick start you need to keep losing weight (if you need to).
2. You WILL rediscover how good food is in it's natural state without all the oils, vinegars, spices, sauces, baking, frying, etc, etc, that we feel we NEED in order to enjoy what we're eating.
3. You WILL get an exercise in discipline and denying your flesh - and who can't use that?
4. You WILL find better things to do with your time than obsess about food.
5. You WILL have fun, if you choose to :)
6. You WILL get better sleep, which you need.

There are 52 weeks in a single year. Multiply that over a lifetime and that's a lot of "7-day" periods. Why not use just ONE of those 7-day periods and do something that could really benefit you? You have the rest of your life to eat whatever you want whenever you want...and hopefully after that ONE 7-day period, you'll be equipped to make better choices that will not only have you enjoying your food, but enjoying your TOTAL life experience.

Today was my last day of this detox and it was the first day I was out of the house (church). It was a bit difficult for me because I didn't prepare. We had a meeting after church for which I knew there was going to be conventional fruits and veggies, so I didn't bring anything from home. I've been eating organic all week but didn't think I'd notice the difference. I was wrong - it was grose. So I suggest that when you decide to do the 7-day detox, make sure you bring lots of cut organic veggies and fruits from home wherever you are going. I had to stop at Jamba Juice at one point and the only thing I felt comfortable having was the double shot of wheatgrass...which made me SUPER nauseous. I came home and went straight to sleep, woke up around 8pm and had a mango (yes, that is really late to be eating but I hardly ate today). I feel way better now. Lesson learned.

Tomorrow I start my 30 days towards a clutter-free home! I will continue eating the way I ate this week, except I will allow myself to add fats (avocados, nuts, olive oil) and spices sparingly. I'll still lay off the cooked foods for another week and see how it goes. I feel awesome!!

If you noticed, I stopped tagging people yesterday. It takes too long (haha) and I don't want to fill up your notifications with my stuff. Just know that I will be writing every day, so feel free to stop in and check up on how I'm doing. I LOVE LOVE LOVE all the comments that you all leave. Thank you! You've made this 7-day experience really enjoyable for me!

xoxo

(To do your own 7-day detox, please visit www.therawdivas.com)

Saturday: Day #6 of my raw food detox

2009-02-28T19:58:00.000-05:00

Yestday was different. I didn't feel like eating. I only had 2 green smoothies and some celery sticks. Then in the late afternoon I saw that my menstrual cycle has returned for the first time after labor. Isn't that a joy? lol. It wasn't accompanied by any of the normal ailments that I was used to having on my first day, and I know it's because of the detox. However, it does explain the craving for ooey gooey chocolate the other day! Why does that happen??

So today I was upstairs washing a baby bottle when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Is that me? I looked so thin to myself. I felt so lean and sexy! I quickly began passionately ripping off my clothes as I ran down the stairs towards Pierre's office...to weigh myself! lol. 182.0 lbs. I've lost a little over 7lbs in 5 days. It feels nice, but I'm not overly excited about that since this is only a one week thing - or is it?

I'm definitely getting tired of just the light salads, fruits and smoothies I've been eating this week...but I think with a little added fats and grains, I could keep this up. The two foods I definitely want to eliminate from my diet are animal products and gluten. I know that encompases a lot, but I find those to be the most harmful and addicting to the body. I want to leave those foods for occasional rare moments, instead of the everyday staple they have been in my diet. Notice I did NOT say I will never eat those foods again. I am no longer that naive.

My journey continues

Friday: Day #5 of my raw food detox

2009-02-27T12:44:00.001-05:00

It's definitely early to be reporting about today's events, but there are some things I needed to write down and I didn't want to forget. Also, the day is pretty jam packed and I didn't want to NOT write. I will write more about how the rest of today goes tomorrow.

Last night I didn't go to be until around midnight again, even though Pierre took Juliette around 10:30 for the rest of the night. I think I got a little overconfident that I didn't need as much sleep because I was sleeping deeper (quality over quantity type of thing). Not true. When your body is detoxing, you need MORE sleep. Just because it is taking a break from difficult digestion doesn't mean it's taking a break completely. It's going in there and meticulously dealing with all the little issues we don't even see or feel, issues that would cause serious problems down the road if left undealt with. We really take our youth for granted. At this point we can pretty much do anything to our bodies and not feel a thing except for the occasional ache/pain/runny nose. Yet we see the serious health issues that plague the elderly of our nation. Those things didn't just happen over night, but after a lifetime of neglect. Anyway, I'm getting preachy. lol back to my day.

I ended up having to wake up around 4:30am to feed Juliette and I was like a zombie. I lost my balance and hit the wall (lol) on my way to the bathroom. I was in bed until after 10am this morning and definitely feeling that my body is working hard. The skin on my face feels sooo soft and the dark circles under my eyes have gotten noticably lighter to me. I've lost a few pounds, too. I haven't done any formal exercise this week other than those 15 minutes of Taebo the other day, although I've been doing lots of housework and carrying Joshua around. At 1pm, I'm going to listen to a live fitness teleseminar with Yuri Elkaim - leading fitness guru blah blah blah:) You can join in at this link . If you miss it, you can still go to that link and listen to it whenever you want (like the daylight diet teleseminar).

I was actually craving some ooey gooey chocolately stuff last night before going to bed. Don't worry, I didn't cave - but it was the first craving I had felt the entire week. No cravings this morning. I made a nice big green smoothie with apple, banana, pineapple, pear, kale and spinach. Why do I always use kale in my green smoothies? Because I don't like the way it tastes and I can't taste it in the smoothie :) Kale is wonderful for you. You can click here to read about all the benefits of this leafy green.

Why do I always end up writing more when I think I have nothing to write? lol

PS: I just realized the teleseminar is being webcast live as well. Yay! No phone necesary :)

Thursday: Day #4 of my raw food detox

2009-02-26T19:13:00.001-05:00

I'm supposed to be showering right now. Pierre came home and is watching the kiddos for me so I can do that. Yes, even showers have to be scheduled these days. I'm upstairs on my bed on the laptop. How naughty. lol.

Anyway, today was good. I'm starting to feel light as a feather - although the scale quickly reminds me I am no feather, my friend. I experienced insatiable hunger today between 3-5pm, so I just kept eating - a HUGE salad, a mango, a green smoothie. Haha, writing that out it doesn't seem like I ate a lot but it felt like a lot compared to the past few days. Joshua, Pierre and I enjoyed some banana/kale smoothies today. Joshua is actually starting to ask for salad :) I feel my body getting into a nice rhythm and I'm starting to think about what I want my lifestyle to be like beyond this week. Good stuff.

In other news, I signed up for the Clutter Free Diva Program at rawdivas.com. I am super excited about that. I start next Monday. Here is the fabulous testimony about that. The program costs $198 (I missed the month of January when they were running a 1/2 price sale). It's a 30-day program and looks awesome, but that price was more than I wanted to pay for cyber support. So yesterday I emailed Tera (the main chic at Raw Divas), told her I was really interested in the declutter program and that I am a photographer/graphics designer. I asked if I could make an exchange for goods/services. She agreed and signed me up right away! Yeah boyeeeee. That experience totally changed the way I view business. There should always be an exchange, but it doesn't always have to be money.

PS: Has anyone listened to Paul Nison's Daylight Diet interview I mentioned in yesterday's blog? It's eye-opening. Just the one small change of not eating when it's dark out (or 6pm, whichever comes first) will really make a difference in your health. Try it! :)

Wednesday: Day #3 of my raw food detox

2009-02-25T17:39:00.003-05:00

Whew. I heard day 3 is the toughest day. It is tough - but not in the way that I thought. I'm not craving cooked foods, fats or grains. I'm not yearning for chocolate or wishing for a glass of OJ. The food part of it is just fine, actually - except for the feeling that I'm losing my sense of smell/taste. I don't think that's supposed to happen. It must be this cold my body was fighting off making its last tada before exiting. I'll ask Paul Nison about it.

The tough part is totally emotional.

This morning I woke up to find my in-laws had slept over last night. Apparently Joshua started throwing up in the middle of the night and Pierre tried to wake me, but couldn't, so he called them and they came rushing over. The funny thing is that I had listened to Paul Nison's interview about his new book, The Daylight Diet, which basically says that if you don't eat after dark you will automatically lose weight and have much deeper sleep. He wasn't kidding! Due to newborn duties, I didn't get to sleep until after midnight - but I didn't eat after 6pm. The last thing I remember is my head hitting the pillow. I missed the entire hussle and bussle of Joshua screaming because he had thrown up, Pierre running around cleaning everything, Joshua then pooping so bad that he had to be thrown in the tub, Pierre calling his mom, and them coming over to perform some old skool remedies that had him running around just fine by the time I awoke. THAT'S deep sleep. I don't think I like it. Pierre said he even shook me.

I was very embarrased to have my in-laws thinking I chose to sleep in lieu of caring for my son who wasn't feeling well. How could I explain that I really didn't hear a thing? Not to mention the fact that when I did see Joshua in the morning and tried to give him a hug, he yelled, "NOOOOOOO" (in usual toddler fashion), wriggled out of my arms and went running to his grandma. On top of that, my home was not ready for middle of the night surprise guests (is it ever?) so not only did I come off looking like an unfit mother, I was a sloppy one, too. She took it upon herself to do some laundry I had in the basement because, and I quote, "if you are ever sick upstairs and someone comes over and sees this they will say, 'this woman is a slob'...that's what they'd say." Thank you. Although I was extremely grateful they had come over and done everything they did, I was a bit of an emotional wreck over the whole thing - detox or no detox - teetering between conviction and condemnation.

Once they left the day should've gone back to normal, but it didn't. This is the detox part. Everything just felt really off. I don't know how to explain it. I just prayed in my heavenly language and put on some praise/worship music. That helped. Things feel a bit more normal now.

On a lighter note (yay!), I made the most fabulous kale/pineapple green smoothie today. It was delicious, as opposed to the brown smoothie I ended up making yesterday without a recipe. lol. Pierre and Joshua loved it! The saga continues.

Tuesday: Day #2 of my detox

2009-02-24T21:11:00.002-05:00

WHOAAA...this is awesome. I'm told that day 3 is the "make it or break it" day - we'll see about that. Day 2 is FAB-U-LOUS!! I have a TON of energy. In today's email I was told that adding some exercise to my week will double and triple my results - sounds good to me! So I put on my sports bra, dusted off my sneakers and decided to do 15 minutes of Taebo. I set my oven timer and before I knew it, BEEP BEEP BEEP! I had hardly broken a sweat...but definitely felt my muscles working so decided I shouldn't over exert myself on the first day. Normally 15 minutes of Taebo after such a long exercise hiatus would've done me in and exhausted me for the rest of the day. What a great feeling to do a little exercise and feel MORE energy.

In other news, I've prayed more today than I have in a long while. I'm excited to cuddle up with a good book this evening after Joshua is in bed (namely, the book of Isaiah). I'm starting to think about all the ways I can declutter and really clean my home. Love it.

I also realized something else. When I went raw for 35 days, I was making a ton of raw gourmet recipes (I'm actually craving the raw zucchini hummus...yum!!). I did not eat a lot of veggies as is, like I'm doing now. Even though everything I was eating was raw, it was all spiced up, dehydrated, smothered and/or reconstituted to taste like something else. Did I lose weight? Yup! Did I get my poor eating habits under control? Nope . If anything, they were made worse because the recipes I was making took so long to prepare, my life pretty much revolved around food. With this fast, I'm eating very simply, and rediscovering how good things taste in their natural state.

Awesome.

I also signed up for a 90 day program with the raw divas. They're currently on day #8 so I read all the blogs from the past week and am caught up. The first month is focused on not eating any gluten or dairy, which I'm not eating this week anyway. Good stuff.

AND I reconnected with my friend, Paul Nison, who is an awesome raw food teacher and lover of Yeshua. www.paulnison.com

Overall great day :)

Monday: Day #1 of the detox

2009-02-23T15:48:00.003-05:00

As of 2:30pm today, I have officially been on a water fast for 24 hours. I was supposed to start at 6pm yesterday, but it was dinner time before I realized I was supposed to be fasting so I just skipped it and haven't eaten since. Technically I could eat now, since it's supposed to be a 24 hour fast...but I will wait until the specified 6pm to gorge on some bananas.

The funny thing is that I am not craving any specific foods. I'm craving television. I haven't watched TV in a really long time (don't remember when I stopped but it was sometime last Fall). I've watched certain programs on the internet, but that doesn't count. I'm talking about laying on the couch with the remote in your hand, flipping through the channels at whim, mindlessly listening to the noise of advertisers and laugh tracks (do they even have those anymore?). I'm talking about totally vegging out - no pun intended. That's what I'm craving.

I absolutely use food to entertain myself and avoid being truly present in the moment. Not all the time, but I do it. Without food, my soul craves another thing that would allow me to vacate. Funny how the thought of reading the Word hadn't even crossed my mind until a friend suggested it. I'm starting to understand how I got here.

As of lunch time today I am 189.8 pounds.

Starting a 7 day detox tomorrow

2009-02-22T20:43:00.006-05:00

Since I got prego with Juliette until now, I have been eating horrendously and not exercising a lick. Juliette is 7 weeks old today and as she's starting her week of new beginnings, so will I. OK, I didn't actually plan to do this on her 8th week, but it sounds good and Hebrew and all that.

I will be doing a 7 day raw food detox. I've gone raw for 35 days in the past, only to return to eating cooked foods like no body's business - so I'm honestly a bit sceptic that 7 days will make any sort of big difference. However, like my pastor said today, I am not a sceptic - I am a creator. I am choosing to co-create the life that I was designed to have before the foundations of the earth. Yeah boyeeee.

The detox calls for fasting from 6pm tonight until 6pm tomorrow night (the first official day of the detox). The fast is broken in the evening with a monofruit meal. Then I will basically be having lots of water, salads, fruits and sprouts for 7 days. No fats like nuts or avocados which are very common in the raw food diet. This detox focuses on greens, which have basically become extinct around here.

My body is fighting off some germs and viruses right now, so I'm happy to give it a break from all the heavy digesting. I'm looking forward to getting back on track because I know that this food thing affects so many other aspects of life. I realize that my mental clarity and emotional fortitude depend so much on how this earth suit is functioning.

So here we go!

PS: Here are a few things I read today on the detox website that stuck out to me...

1. Honor where you’re at. You will ALWAYS be able to find something you don’t like about yourself. Whether you’ve got dimpled thighs, a bulging stomach, thick arms, or a double chin, you are deliciously sexy and desirable. Haha, that's great.

2. Honor your body and all the hard work it does. Every CELL is carrying on an orchestra of activity in your honor. So celebrate it. Indeed.

3. Digestion and managing emotions require so much energy from the body's resources that it has a hard time doing both simultaneously. This is why when some people are stressed or upset, they lose their appetite. It’s also why others of us, who are more likely to suppress our emotions, will EAT when we are stressed. This suppresses our body’s ability to process and experience our emotions as they’re happening. Whoa.

WARNING: do NOT join facebook!

2009-02-17T10:51:00.000-05:00

I joined facebook and I'm stuck now. As of February 4th, they signed a new Terms of Service saying that they can do whatever they want with any of your information and photos (including leasing them to 3rd parties) even if you delete your account. In other words, everything you upload to facebook can be used in any which way they want, forever.

Read about it here.

I'm starting a petition and will fight back (you know me!), but I'm just sending this out as a warning. If you are not a member of facebook, do not join now.

Yadi

Uh...

2009-02-10T16:10:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I had a dull headache for the majority of the day until it turned into a full blown migrain in the evening. This morning I awoke with the dull ache again. During the prayer call, Gloria said she needed prayer because she has had a headache for two days - so of course I piped in with a "me, too!" Pastor Dan said that it was a spiritual attack to keep us from hearing and writing down what Yahweh was trying to tell us. There ended up being two more people with headaches so he told the four of us to close our eyes and write what we see, no matter how [adjective that would cause us to think we shouldn't write it].

Joshua is asleep in his crib. Juliette is asleep in her moby wrap (which I got yesterday and LOVE)...so this is a good time for me to close my eyes and write.

I see a grey concrete wall, like the Berlin wall or something, and soldiers standing guard with their rifles, marching back and forth. They are wearing dark blue uniforms, hats and long black boots. They are young boys. I see planes flying overhead. Bombs falling. It's a war. I see civilians running for their lives - women with long dresses holding children in their arms. I see abandoned sheep. Literally, sheep, in their pens, abandoned. I see an older man sitting behind his desk, smoking a cigar, watching all the commotion out of his window, sitting back and observing it all. He is the cause of the war.

...and now both childen have awakened. Figures. lol. I'll be back.

Sweet sound of construction

2009-02-05T11:17:00.005-05:00

Last year in March a tree fell on our home (read post here). This week they started the construction to fix it all - the roof, chimney, front porch, and gutters. Another tree fell in the back yard a few months later, breaking the fence, and they're fixing that as well. Yay! I've never been so happy to hear such loud obnoxious noises and to have half a dozen strangers in my yard all day long. Good stuff. In other news, just when I decide to really advertise myself and get my photography business out there (through my lactation specialist, midwife and others), my computer decides to completely crash. I cannot access any of the photos I have taken (although Pierre assures me they're all still there and I have seen them remotely from one of his systems). I cannot get to the pictures on my camera, nor can I access photoshop...AND all my email access has been suspended most likely because my computer was sending out viruses. Can you imagine the withdrawal I'm going through??! Haha at destruction thou shall laugh. That's hilarious. As soon as everything is up and running again, try and stop me! I'm still taking photos even though I can't get to them. So what. Just do it. In yet other news, Pierre and I had an awesome talk this morning about his ultimate calling and we're both ready to truly seek Yahweh and move forward with what has been confirmed over and over. He realized that everything I've been trying to accomplish with POC, the school, dance, music, etc, can only go so far without him embracing what he's called to do. He's not just there to cheer from the sideline as he thought, he's there to be a major part of it all. If anything, all that I am doing is a small part of what he's supposed to be doing. We're sober and ready to step into divine destiny together. He promised not to let me die spiritually. I promise not to let him slink back ever again. Yahweh is reconstructing our home in more ways than one.

25 Random Things About Me

2009-01-30T06:34:00.001-05:00

1. All my fingernails must be the same length - even if the rest are perfect I will cut them all for one that is broken or chipped.
2. I started keeping diaries in 7th grade so that I would remember what it was like "to be a kid" and so I could one day show my daughter that I know what she's going through.
3. Before I became a Christian in my first year of college, I was very much into the paranormal and occult because I was raised doing séances with my family regularly.
4. My phone is JUST a phone. No, really. Not a camera or an mp3 player or a planner...just a phone.
5. I'm gifted in all things artistic.
6. I've never owned an animal that didn't need a cage. I've had parakeets and hamsters.
7. I once pulled over on the way home from church to dance in the rain at night behind an abandoned building all by myself. It was a really good church service.
8. I often pick up strangers in my car when it's raining and drive them where they need to go (I know).
9. I have an extreme tender heart for afflicted children and the elderly.
10. I'm beyond grateful that my husband never took rejection as my final answer when we were dating.
11. I used to hate running - until I ran a marathon (26.2 miles). Now I respect it.
12. My favorite all time line from a book was, "Perhaps one did not want to be loved, so much as to be understood", from 1984 by George Orwell...now I realize being loved is way better.
13. I will most likely be the mayor of my town one day.
14. One of my life goals is to own the apartment complex I grew up in, as well as all the homes various members of my family have rented for decades.
15. I've never been anywhere tropical. Will someone take me somewhere warm with a white sandy beach and clear water?? That's not too much to ask, is it?? :)
16. I learn languages fast - and forget them just as quickly.
17. I was once nominated by my group on a mission's trip in Mexico to tell the little old man across the street that his dog (and only companion) got killed by a car while he was out that day. Not cool.
18. I was almost engaged once before I met my husband. Whew, that was a close one!
19. I still swoon over Marc Anthony's voice (not so much when he sings in English...).
20. My true identity of rock hard vegan athlete has temporarily been taken over by this flabby eclair chomper...but I will rise!
21. One day my picture will be on a billboard in Times Square. Not sure for what, but I've seen it.
22. Life experience has made me almost entirely nonjudgmental of people's choices. Never say never.
23. My secret desire is to be a dancer at Alvin Ailey in NYC. It could still happen one day, right? Amuse me.
24. Are these really THE last days? I hope not...too much left to do still.
25. I actually really love my life and everyone in it.

Tales of a Breastfeeder

2009-01-19T16:19:00.007-05:00

Juliette is 15 days old today. It's amazing to me how fast the time is going compared to when Joshua was born. The first four weeks of his life seemed to crawl by like four years. Every minute of every day was accounted for on a chart: time and duration of each feeding, separated into right and left breast details, followed by whether or not he was satisfied at the end of the feeding, and complete with number of wet/poopy diapers per day. Yes, I am serious. It was insane, I was stressed and crying, he was hungry and bawling. I blamed it all on the fact that he was tongue tied and incapable of latching on correctly. The real culprit was a book that was recommended to me by a well meaning friend ("Babywise"). This book had me attempting to put a newborn on a schedule. What it actually did was diminish my milk supply and make me into the Nazi mom from hell.

Which brings me to Juliette. What a difference! Before even figuring out that Babywise was the reason for my season, I decided I was going to chill out this time. Her latch is perfect - she's a natural. The sad thing is that there was so much bad information I picked up from that book about breastfeeding that even without an attempted schedule, my milk supply is still low. I have to supplement with formula and pump. The good news is I found an amazing lactation specialist who is not overly emotional about breastfeeding - she's very practical and helps me sans the guilt trip.

Here's the kicker. From the 9 months leading up to Joshua's birth all the way through to Juliette's 2 week mark, despite all the craziness I've gone through trying to breastfeed, it never occured to me to find what scripture had to say about it. Oh, I used, "My Yah shall supply all your need according to His riches in Glory by Moshiac Yeshua". I would "confess" a good milk supply, easy breastfeeding and even use visualizations. Yet I never actually tried to find the scriptural promise because honestly, I didn't think the bible had anything to say about the matter. This morning at 4am I had an epiphany and decided to look it up. Not only does the bible have tons to say about breastfeeding, I found out that just like barreness, "dry breasts" are a curse. What?! Before reading that, I was content with just "trying" to breastfeed. Que sera, sera, whatever will be, will be. Now that I know that not being able to breastfeed is a curse, I'm mad. The devil is a liar!

Anywho, here is my favorite scripture that I found, personalized for us: Isaiah 66:11-13.

"Juliette feeds and is satisfied with the consolation of my bossom. She drinks deeply and is delighted with the abundance of my glory. Yahweh extends peace (shalom) to me like a river, and the glory of the gentiles like a flowing stream. Then Juliette shall feed: on my sides shall she be carried and be dandled on my knees. As one whom his mother comforts, so Yah will comfort me, and Juliette shall be comforted in me."

That scripture is so fly for many reasons. 1. It gives a beautiful visual of drinking deeply and being satisfied. 2. It says once I allow Yah to give me peace, THEN she will feed. The enemy definitely was able to steal my peace on this issue way too many times. 3. It speaks of His will in comforting your children, which Babywise condemns. That book totes letting your children cry themselves to sleep so they learn how to comfort themselves. I did that to Joshua, thinking I was doing him good. So many moms who read that book have done the same. I'm glad I learned early enough that it was so wrong...but not before seering much of my motherly nurturing spirit. I'm getting it back.

That's my story for now. More to come.

A Baby Story - Juliette Anne Laguerre is here!

2009-01-04T13:35:00.000-05:00

Shortly after writing my previous entry, we went to visit my mother-in-law for dinner. I told Pierre I wanted to go for a walk, knowing that walks help labor progress (and that he didn't know that...) - but it was too freezing outside. We went to Shop Rite instead to buy some last minute groceries. That must've been enough.

Around 11pm the contractions started again, and kept coming regularly every 10 minutes. They quickly progressed to 8, and we decided to leave Joshua at my MIL's home overnight. By the time we drove home, they were 5-6 minutes apart, so we called our midwife (and I updated my fb status. lol). I didn't feel a sense of urgency, so she told me to try and sleep through it. If it was real labor, I wouldn't be able to do that.

I went upstairs and slept for about an hour and a half through some contractions before I called Pierre upstairs to start timing them again. 2-3 minutes apart. We called the midwife again and headed to the hospital with me laying in the backseat. Up until this point, the contractions were very manageable. When we were about 2 miles away from the hospital, my water broke.

Pierre pulled up to the emergency entrance and got me a wheelchair. I was in a lot of pain at that point and the contractions were coming like every minute with no relief in between. The receptionist in the ER was of Satan (lol - just kidding, kind of). In the midst of one of my contractions, she asked Pierre why I was screaming, and even told us we were in the wrong hospital. I eventually got upstairs to the fabulous birthing center where they took good care of me.

Shortly after arriving, my friend from church (Nana Stillitano) showed up with a hot water bag and some amazing smelling tea. My midwife checked me and said I was 100% effaced but only 3-4 cm dilated (which disappointed me greatly) and said our daughter would be here in several hours. It was around 3:15am at that point. Yet the contractions were very severe and I actually told Pierre I didn't want to do this. I started thinking about getting an epidural, then realized that when you get to the point where you feel like you can't go any further, the end is in sight!

My midwife checked me again. 5 cm. She went to take a nap. lol. Nana and Pierre kept putting warm compresses all over me and Pierre stood there as I dug my nails into his arm. Sorry babe. I started getting the urge to push, so I did - even though I knew I was supposed to wait until someone said it was safe to do so. Before I knew it, I could feel her crowning, and we called for my midwife. She walked in to catch the baby just in time as she slipped right out at 4:33am. No tears or complications.

So in a nutshell, it was about 5.5 hours of labor with 1.5 hours of really intense contractions. My midwife was shocked that I went from 5 cm to fully dilated in 1/2 an hour. I was just happy it was all over! Praise Yah, we have our daughter. We decided on Juliette as opposed to Julianna (which was the big secret name we had both agreed on) and gave her the middle name of Anne (just cause it sounds good to us and Pierre really wanted her to have a middle name).

That's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'm feeling great. Pictures to come:)

Weird Labor

2009-01-03T17:32:00.003-05:00

It's officially 2009. I'm officially 39 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I've had well meaning people pray for a fast, pain-free labor more times than I can count. I was finally able to get myself to acquiesce to the possibility. Joshua's labor was such a shock to my system in more ways than one that honestly I just couldn't believe for the fast and pain-free kind - and it didn't bother me. Yet here I am on the verge of actually experiencing one (I think...) and it's nothing less than weird.

On Thursday the 1st I had some "bloody show", meaning that my cervix started dilating and/or effacing, causing some blood cells to rupture and parts of my mucus plug to come out. After that, I started having "contractions". These contractions are nothing like the Joshua kind which took my spine from the very start and twisted it into pretzels. These contractions were simply muscle spasms. They feel good in comparison. Weird.

That's been going on now for several days, these irregular muscle spasms that cause me to dilate more and more without pain. With Joshua I had horrendous painful contractions for 6 hours straight before I even dilated 1cm. Big difference. Today I started having regular contractions every 10 minutes and was sure they would get stronger and more frequent, only to have them completely stop. They call that "false labor"...but it caused more blood tinged mucus to be released - meaning more dilation/effacing.

In my temptation to get completely frustrated and impatient, Pierre asked, "Do you want Joshua labor?" lol. Uh, NO. Frustration gone. Yah is actually doing this gradually and beautifully without my help. I'm not even due for another 5 days. I might actually have a pain-free labor at this point. What a concept!

Behold old things have passed away and all things have become new. Happy New.

Happy New Year!

2008-12-31T23:36:00.003-05:00

2008 is drawing to an end in about 20 minutes. What an awesome year! At a time when so many are ripping the calendar off the wall and wishing the past 12 months good riddance, I can look back and rejoice - knowing that my steps were ordered. Halleluyah.

We started this year with a baby that was just turning 12 months old, wobbling around learning all sorts of new things. We're ending the year with a vibrant, healthy, exuberant and expressive toddler about to turn 2 (and me 9 months pregnant). Praise Yah!

We started with a dream of maybe doing some photography. We're ending with a fully supplied studio and a year's worth of new knowledge/experience under our belt.

We started the year with a rocky marriage and turbulence that seemed to get worse as the year progressed. We're ending it in perfect peace and restoration. Amen.

We started the year in foreclosure. We're ending the year still in our home, having caught up on payments and making plans to pay the house off in its entirety.

There is none like Yah. I praise Him tonight and give thanks for 2008. I look forward to the next 365 days, knowing that He has already gone before me to make the crooked places straight. I look forward to the relationships He will bring into my life, the experiences that will change me, the opportunities that will stretch me and His Holy Spirit that will draw me closer.

I praise Yah that there will be no death in 2009. There will be no sickness, no disease - only life, and life more abundant. I cover 2009 in the blood of Yeshua right from the start and declare it holy. Shalom, Shalem. Glory to glory. Our best year yet, by far. Thank you, Abba. Let's do this.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-26T15:43:00.003-05:00

This year we had a wonderful Christmas. The tradition is to visit my dad's in Long Island - but we don't attempt that trip when I'm this prego (the same thing happened with Joshua). Instead, on Christmas Eve we traveled to south Jersey to Pierre's cousin's home about 45 minutes away. We got invited like the day before and I truly didn't want to go at all, but since we go to my dad's every year, how could I say no to going to his family? They told us the party was going to start at 9pm. Ouch. I was actually hoping Pierre would get too tired and change his mind. It didn't happen. What did happen though, in pure Laguerre fashion, was that we got there around midnight.

It turned out to be really nice. Most of his family was there - his sister came out from Brooklyn, his grandma and aunts with their husbands and children, more of his cousins, etc. The food was great (yea, we ate that late). I baked chocolate chip cookies to bring and they were a hit. They even had some gifts for Joshua under the tree. It was nice talking with everyone and Pierre had a good time reconnecting with his family. We got home around 3:30am - all in all, not so bad.

The next morning we all slept in and got up around 10am for breakfast. We opened our gifts, took some pictures/video and relaxed some more. Joshua played with his new toys (little piano, video game, truck, coloring book/crayons, glow sticks). Pierre was really surprised to find two CDs he'd been wanting in his stocking (I got Rachael to buy them for me online and I gave her the money). I also got him a beautiful red tie and this really nice pair of Italian leather casual shoes which look hott on him. He loves them. The dude only had sneakers and dress shoes before. He is giving me a certain budget for some more studio equipment (yay!) and as a "labor gift" I'm getting Wii + Wii Fit in the New Year. He also wrapped some things for me so I would have stuff to open on Christmas day (perfumes, toiletries and the second Narnia movie).

The three of us hung out at home all day until the evening when we moved the table in the breakfast nook into the kitchen, put out a blow up bed in that area and projected a movie unto the wall in the dining room (The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian - good movie). Joshua asked for bed at precisely 8pm, then Pierre and I finished the movie, watched some youtube and jibjab, followed by a preaching by Bishop Garlington before going to sleep.

Today the boys are at church fixing computer things while I have the house to myself so I can clean up some more. I'm in major nesting mode for this baby - so excited. I have a couple more photoshoots to do before the end of the year and am looking forward to really going full force with photography in '09. Yay! Life is beautiful. Thank you, Yah.

Soooo itchin'

2008-12-18T19:47:00.004-05:00

I'm so super excited to take newborn photographs. I find it a bit odd that I'm about to have a daughter in roughly 3 weeks and the excitement comes from taking her portraits. I'm imagining the different angles I will capture in the birthing center where there will be tons of gorgeous natural sunlight streaming through the windows. I'm mentally composing the shots of her and Joshua both on location and in studio. Could this mean photography has become "passion" of mine?

When I started 2008 I was simply following a leading in my spirit to take photos. Everything was supernaturally supplied, from the camera to the studio equipment, and off I went. Although I've always loved taking snapshots everywhere I went, I totally got into professional photography just to enhance my graphic design skills. Now I really can say I love the technicality of it all - to the point that I was rolling around on the floor yesterday (at 37 weeks prego) to get a picture of my snow globe in front of the Christmas tree. I'm totally hooked. I guess I write this as a warning to my children - say cheese!

Coming out of the dark

2008-12-11T06:03:00.002-05:00

I feel like I’m dying spiritually. Then it’s like, “duh”. I hardly read the word except for in church. I rarely pray except for on the corporate prayer calls in the morning. It’s not rocket science. It’s just a simple choice. Do I want to live? Yes. I want to live. I want to live a victorious Christian life. I want to impact generations starting with my own household. I just don’t seem to have the resolve to do it. It’s the same old story of self resistance.

Why do I write this faithless blog entry? I write it because it's truth - no, fact - at the moment. Facts change. The truth is I am an overcomer, even of my own mental blocks and spiritual dry places. I am an overcomer of boredom, idleness, and downright laziness.

Resistance is the enemy that has prevailed in my life time and time again. For some reason, I never see it coming, yet it's so predictable. Every time I get a "breakthrough" of sorts, an inspiration, a motivational spurt...here comes Resistance. It disguises itself in different forms and defeats me every time. It's gotta stop.

We read this passage at church last night and the last verse jumped off the page. Hope!

2 Peter 1:3-8 (Scriptures version)

3. as His Mighty-like power has given to us all we need for life and reverence, through the knowledge of Him who called us to esteem and uprightness.
4. Through these there have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises, so that through these you might be partakers of the Mighty-like nature, having escaped from the corruption in the world, caused by lust.
5. And for this reason do your utmost to add to your belief uprightness, to uprightness knowledge,
6. to knowledge self-control, to self-control endurance, to endurance reverence,
7. to reverence brotherly affection, and to brotherly affection love.
8. For if these are in you and increase, they cause you to be neither inactive nor without fruit in the knowledge of our Master Yahweh Messiah.

Belief -> Uprightness -> Knowledge -> Self-Control -> Endurance -> Reverence -> Brotherly Affection -> Love.

Those are awesome words. BUKScERAL. Ok, acronyms don't work for everything. lol. I'm promised if these things increase in me, I will not be unfruitful or inactive. Cool. Resistance is overcome this year. In Yeshua's name.

Yah's word through me on the prayer call this morning

2008-12-05T09:39:00.001-05:00

“Fear not for I am with you. Be not dismayed for I am your Yah. I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness. With long life I will satisfy you and show you my salvation. No weapon formed against you prospers. Every tongue that rises up against you in judgment shall be condemned – every tongue that calls itself your enemy, every tongue that calls itself your friend, every tongue in the natural and every tongue in the spirit. You are not what the enemy is after. He is after my life in you. So rebuke this day an idle mind, a bored spirit and a procrastinating soul. An idle mind does not actively cast down vain imaginations that exalt themselves against me. Receive instead my mind – one that is full of my Word and the knowledge that all things are possible because you believe. Rebuke this day a bored spirit. A bored spirit is not connected to My Spirit because I am constantly communicating with you. If you are bored, you are not hearing My voice. Receive instead My Spirit that shows you limitless opportunities. Rebuke this day a procrastinating soul. A procrastinating soul is filled with dread of the work that needs to be done. It is filled with fear. Receive a sound mind, sound will and sound emotions. Receive true Shabbat, a true rest because you know you have done all that needs to be done.” In Yeshua’s name, Amen.

Crazy thoughts

2008-12-04T23:50:00.003-05:00

I think a lot of crazy thoughts. As I was putting my son to bed tonight, I thought, "If something were to happen to me right now, he wouldn't even remember me." That's a crazy thought. What I realize, though, is that it's not my thought. Not every thought that pops into my head is my thought - especially thoughts of my own premature death. That's how the enemy snags so many people. He and his little partners in crime whisper ideas around us that we pick up in the spirit and he has us believe they are our thoughts. Worse yet, he has us meditate on them and eventually speak them out - giving them power. That's why I praise Yah tonight for the knowledge He has given me of casting down every vain imagination that tries to exalt itself against Him. Ha! The devil is a liyah, liyah. I won't believe a word that comes out of his mouth - not for a moment. Not ever. Yahweh will satisfy me with long life and show me His salvation. All curses over my bloodline are broken. Now THAT'S something to think on! Woohoo!

Nothing seems normal

2008-12-01T22:28:00.003-05:00

Living a life according to the kingdom of Yah is completely upside-down, backwards and utterly insane as compared to living a "normal" human existence. Sometimes I wish for just a moment I could be normal - like, white picket fence soccer mom normal. Oh well. Not my lot in life. Being peculiar is exhausting. Just my thoughts. Don't mind me, I'm pregnant.

Boriqua!

2008-11-29T18:58:00.003-05:00

For the past couple of weeks I've noticed that Joshua's social skills have gotten a lot better. In the past he would only engage people who were completely ignoring him. If anyone spoke to him first, he would either cry or completely ignore them. Now he actually responds like a little man.

Yesterday at my dad's everyone had a blast with him. They were getting him to dance merengue and say, "Boriqua!" lol. It was quite amusing. Apparently some of it stuck.

Today we went out to buy "safer" christmas tree ornaments since my little engineer takes apart the current ones I have (down to the wires) and crushes the blown glass. On our way home, I put on some college radio station that was playing carribean music of a sort. From the back seat I hear a little voice say, "Wepa" - oh my goodness I laughed so hard. He knew from that point that he must've said something funny, so he kept saying it. No matter what kind of music I put on, he would say, "Mommy! Wepa!" lol. I have a little boriqua in my home.

**PS: For those that don't know, wepa is a like the Puerto Rican version of woohoo and boriqua is another term for Puerto Rican.

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T03:35:00.005-05:00

20 Things I am grateful to Yahweh for (in no particular order):

1. My health and the health of my loved ones
2. My immediate, extended and church families
3. Friends who still love me despite all my shortcomings
4. My gifts and talents
5. My home; the first house I've ever lived in that is my own
6. My marriage that has weathered storms and continues to prevail victoriously
7. The resurrection of POC
8. The fact that I can hear His voice
9. My funny, witty, kind Joshua and the baby girl due soon :)
10. Pastors Dan and Ann Stratton and their dynamic daughter, Danielle
11. Faith Exchange Fellowship - my church - with all its wonderful opportunities to grow spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially and financially
12. Living on the northeast and experiencing four distinct seasons
13. The mandate of opening a private school unlike any we've seen on the upper east coast.
14. The fact that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made
15. Pierre, the individual - he's my best friend.
16. The abundance of truth that I know, and the truth I put in practice
17. His grace!
18. Abundant life: new beginnings, ended chapters, and everything in between
19. The power of words to change any circumstance
20. My covenant with Yah and the blessing on my life that will bless others immensely

The resurrection of POC

2008-11-23T21:23:00.002-05:00

Ever since our last meeting, I pretty much laid POC to rest. I knew that we are called to do great things together as a group of powerful women and friends, but just felt like POC itself as an entity no longer had a place in anyone's life. I was wrong...it has a place in my life.

For the past couple of weeks, Yahweh has been repeating Himself to me over and over that POC is very much alive and needs to remain that way. His exact words to me are, "You are Point of Creation." He told me that in church one Sunday. The following week I received an email from the long forgotten POC website that a "Juanita Evans" from NYC had filled out the contact form. Here is what she wrote:

"Learning about Point of Creation is such a wonderful blessing to me. This is what I have been looking for, for many years. Thank God for you!!! I would like to attend your next meeting."

At first it made me feel horrible. What meeting? What can we possible offer this person who sees us as an answer to her prayers just from our outdated website? The answer is simple, and it is what POC was designed to do from the beginning - rather, it is what I have been designed to do from the beginning...awaken the Yah-given dream in her and give her the support she needs to follow it through. Period. How did it ever become so complicated?

This week Yah awakened me at 4am simply to create this on photoshop:

Then a few days later he awakened me at the same time (3:57am, to be exact) and gave me a song that I cannot remember the tune of, but do remember the words. That simply tells me it only had a tune so that I would remember the words (since I was half asleep):

I am the Point of Creation (meaning me)
I am the Yud in Your Hand
Use me to light the fire in their souls
Use me to bring your words to their fleshly homes.

I say all this to say that I've always known my purpose and my calling - it has always been very clear until I tried to complicate it. I, Yadira Laguerre, exist to light the fire in others. I exist to bring out the purpose in Yah's children, to cause others to excel in their callings. That is what motivates me. That is what causes me to wake up in the morning with zeal in my step. My photography, my graphic design, even my singing and dancing, are all tools and not callings in and of themselves. I am Point of Creation. My pastor told me that even my very name Yadi in Hebrew means, "My Point of Creation". I am the flaming Yud in Yahweh's hand.

I don't know what the other 5 girls feel about this - but since they are the ones most likely to read this, I'll just ask...what do you feel about this? Are you a flaming Yud in Yahweh's hand, or did you join me because I lit your fire? In the next few months I will be revamping the POC website to include all sorts of interactive community aspects to better reach out to the "Juanitas" out there who are looking for someone to awaken them to their purpose. I am even going to be doing a live broadcast "television" show on UStream on a weekly basis. Do I have 5 girls with me who are on fire about lighting the fire in others? I am ready to be who Yah always intended me to be, and I am ready to start from scratch. If this calling speaks to you, contact me. Let's change lives together.

Sweet Agreement

2008-11-18T09:19:00.006-05:00

I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant, and just a few moments ago my husband and I came to an agreement on what to name our daughter. WOOHOO! Neither one of us is promising that we're not going to change our minds from now until she arrives...but just for a moment, agreement is nice :)

I had been stuck on Juliette, and calling her that since almost the beginning, but Pierre kept saying that's not her name. I thought naturally he would just come around. Once again, however, he was right. While I was sitting in church on Sunday a name I had thrown around a bit earlier came back to me. I wrote it down and shared it with Pierre this morning. He got a sparkle in his eye and said, "that's more like it." No, it's not Joie, either.

We'll keep the name to ourselves...not sure for what reason other than Rachael did it with Scarlett and it drove me bananas! lol. Do unto others as they have done to you; isn't that how it goes? No? I'm kidding. The real reason is I'm horrible at keeping my own secrets and would like to try it out for a change. It'll be an exercise in discipline...so please don't ask! :) I just wanted to document the day we agreed on her name. Awe, in a few weeks I'll have a daughter.

Posting for the heck of it

2008-11-15T12:56:00.007-05:00

All is well here. It's been a little while since I last wrote and I wanted to check in to say that there is peace in my home, love in my heart, joy in my spirit and a gratitude in my step. Halleluyah.

I finished a graphics design project for a client and it gave me such satisfaction. It reminded me of the pure pleasure of doing what speaks to you at your core. I have three photoshoots coming up next week that will all be very different. This is where I belong. I was recruited to an administrator position for a creative arts group on cafemom where I get to design every week. I've been doing it for about three weeks now. I get to see members from all over the world signing their posts with my creations. Bliss. Just this past Friday a logo I submitted was chosen to replace their regular logo for the day of their 2nd birthday as a site. Oh yeah, and I woke up about two weeks ago with a brand new song - it's hot.

Creation is where it's at - Yahweh had the right idea. What an awesome Father to have passed that ability on to us. Thank you, Abba.

Relief

2008-11-07T09:31:00.004-05:00

It was a rough couple of days for me, feeling a bit like an alien in a world of rejoicing. Praise Yah, sweet relief has come. Pierre told me that Kim Clement (one of the prophets in the land who is very accurate) would be speaking live about the elections so we stayed up to watch. Apparently he has been prophesying about the elections throughout the year and revisited those prophesies in light of the outcome. Although I still stand 100% behind my voting decision, I am now at peace with the entire situation and even excited about what Yahweh is going to do in the next few years. Like I said in my aftermath post, this is just like Him.

Here is the link if you want to watch it:
http://www.christian.tv/channels/details/video/21/mediapage/6964

The aftermath

2008-11-05T09:33:00.006-05:00

At midnight on Nov 4th, 2008, Barack Hussein Obama got elected as the 44th President of the United States of America.

I sat up watching ABC news as the polls were closing and they announced who was getting the electoral votes state by state. The entire day before the news started broadcasting, I was pacing the floor and eating left over halloween candy. I kept telling myself to trust Yahweh. The problem is that I know Him - how He likes to make the enemy appear as if he is winning right before He displays His glory in a huge victory. Knowing this didn't give me comfort. lol. I knew the likely outcome, and I didn't like it.

Sure enough around 9:30 they announced that Barack had won Ohio (a huge battleground that no republican has ever lost and still won presidency). To my own surprise, I broke down and started sobbing uncontrollably. lol I'm pregnant. At that point I knew that it was official. I stayed up to hear John McCain's concession speech, which was very honorable and dignified despite the people booing in the crowd every time he mentioned Obama's name. The popular vote turned out pretty close, so I can imagine there are many people truly upset at the turnout this morning.

Which brings me to the daily prayer call. Since I went to bed late (right around the time Obama started speaking - I still cannot sit through his speeches), I was half asleep during the prayer call this morning. I vaguely heard as person after person prayed the scriptures in victory, declaring Yah's word in faith like we should be doing at this time. Suddenly at the end of the prayer call, one woman started yelling, "Obama!" with hilarious laughter over and over again - interrupting the person that was praying. Gloria Bradford had to tell the person repeatedly to mute their call. That woke me up.

After that, a woman from Ohio(I won't mention her name) said she wanted to pray for Obama. Cool. She started out declaring that no weapon formed against him will prosper and every tongue that rises against him in judgement will be condemned. Necessary. Then she went on to say that the prophets in the land needed to repent because they were obviously wrong and had led people astray, that too many people were hiding behind the guise of christianity and that God had exposed them for what they really are by allowing Obama to be President and that she was so grateful she had eyes to see what was really happening throughout the election. WHAT?!

Look, the bottom line is that Yahweh reigns. His will would be done and His plan would be accomplished because He is Yahweh. It was still up to each and every person to choose which idiology they would align themselves with, and the choice was crystal clear. Now it is our responsibility like never before to pray. Yahweh holds the heart of the kings in His hands and He turns them whichever way He wants. This is a wake up call for America - specifically for Christians. This is not a time to sit back and rejoice, condemning the prophets in the land for trying to warn people of what was to come. This is a time to sit high on our watchtower and be vigilant. It saddens me deeply that this election has brought such a huge division in the body of Moshiac, but His plan is to awaken the sleeping lions. It's been His plan for a long time, through many events. What else has to happen for His body to wake up?

Personally, the internet and the TV are going off for a long while. Eating out and spending money entertaining myself are both taking a long break. It's time to really dive into deep waters so that I have nothing natural to stand on for miles in any direction. I felt this consecration coming for a long time, but not like this. There's no turning back. Yah's will be done. This President needs our support - not with vain cheers, but with true prayer.

Restoration Update

2008-11-04T15:19:00.004-05:00

I've been meaning to write an update to the candid blog I wrote a month ago. In the past two days, two people have read it for the first time - and I don't believe in coincidences...so let me write the update before we have a new Presidential elect and there will be other things on my mind! :)

It's been a little over a month since I almost walked out on my marriage. In the grand scheme of things, that is not a long time. However, it feels surreal, like a nightmare from my childhood instead of a day that actually took place. All the events leading up to it even seem like scenes from a Lifetime movie. Everything is so different now.

From the very next morning when my husband and I had a heart to heart, things have never been the same. I've heard of Yahweh doing "suddenlies", but I never really experienced one so dramatic and permanently life changing. Pierre began waking up early to journal and really spend time hearing the voice of Yah in a quiet place without agenda. I can honestly say that just by doing that, his whole demeanor was altered. Our marriage is truly beautiful. We had a couple days last week where I was tempted to think nothing had changed simply because he gave me a little attitude (LOL) - but then I quickly remembered that those few uncomfortable hours of Pierre being cranky were once a "day in, day out" misery and that I needed to have grace. Lord knows I have my bad days!

We never actually got together with our pastors for counseling, but still intend to do so. We've since visited my family on Long Island who, thank goodness, are very forgiving in some ways and treated Pierre with the same love they did before. All in all, the entire experience is something that I never want to forget for the sake of helping others - but one that I'm glad I wrote about because it has quickly become so foreign.

I praise Yahweh with all my might. He is so good. I know that not all stories of abuse end like this, so I do not take His mercy and grace on our lives for granted.

King of Kings...Joshua??

2008-10-31T09:27:00.003-04:00

I haven't written in a while because I was intending to wait until after the election, but this is light hearted so it's ok :)

It's no secret that my son's old favorite song was "I Believe" by Micah Stampley. He has recently moved on to another song - "You are Lord" by the Micah Stampley. He asks for this song even more than the other. He simply calls it "song".

Well, the other day I was on my computer as he was playing around in my office. We were listening to "song" when I heard him singing the words:

Key ah Keys, Joshua

Yes, my friends, he thinks the song is about him. The actual words are "King of Kings, yes you are (to which we always sing Yeshua)". Is he a cutie patootie or what? Nothing like a toddler to keep you laughing.

It DOES matter who we elect as President

2008-10-23T13:05:00.007-04:00

Again, let me write that I am seriously politically wired. I will not apologize for it. It is simply one part of the cornucopia that is Yadira. During this election time in our country, obviously that is what is going to be coming out of me more than anything else. However, just because I am politically sensitive does not mean that I wish to alienate my true friends or put people's views down. I publicly apologize for doing so inadvertently.

Several years ago I was given a direct word from Yahweh that my calling was like Jeremiah the prophet. He's been dubbed "the weeping prophet"...go figure. That was all I knew of him at the time and could already relate (lol). Years later, in this crucial time in our country (which for me is every 4 years), I can really identify with this dude.

If you read the book of Jeremiah, he is consistently blowing the horn to the nation and warning what is to come. He tells them of the consequences to their actions, their addictions to idols that are leading them astray, and the ways they are being deceived to keep them from fulfilling the purpose of Yah on their lives. He tries everything to get their attention, including theatrics in the streets (lol). They ignore him and the nation crumbles. Bear with me.

If my tactics at exposing Barack Obama's personal views and voting records seem harsh, it is because those things matter. They matter to our nation, but more so they matter to the people of Yah. We live in a country where we are absolutely free to worship in any way we choose. We are free to read our bibles, free to proclaim the name of Yahweh, free to pray on the streets, free to evangelize, free to gather in His name. We are free to choose life and we are free to live according to scripture to the best of our ability. Those are NOT freedoms that other nations enjoy in this day and age. Those are NOT freedoms that should be taken lightly.

I've heard Christians say that it doesn't matter who we elect because Yah's plan will be done. That is half true. Yah's plan will be done, but will it be done in YOUR life? We, the people of Yah, are the world changers, the burden removers, the yoke destroyers. We, the people of Yah, are the deliverers, the saviors (with a small "s"), and the true answers...not the government - and definitely not the government that some are seeking to elect at this time.

When it comes to republican or democrat, I choose neither. However, when it comes to conservative or liberal, I will come down on the side of conservative every time. The liberal agenda is well known - take Yah as far out of our nation as we can get Him. The liberal agenda seeks to strip the very freedoms we take for granted away, to shut the Christian voice up in this nation once and for all. They've succeeded in taking prayer out of schools. They've succeeded in removing the 10 commandments from our government buildings. They've succeeded in teaching our children Darwinist theories instead of truth about creation. More recently, they've succeeded in putting the biggest ministries in the land (including Creflo Dollar and Kenneth Copeland) under the biggest financial scrutiny that has ever taken place, simply because the church can handle finances way better than the government ever could. That is only the beginning.

Barack Obama is not a "bad man", but he is absolutely on board with the liberal agenda on every issue from pro-abortion to how we should educate our children to how we should spend our tax dollar. We are to know every person by their fruit - his own words, voting records and associations have sold him out. This is a man who absolutely can be used of Yah (given the scriptural examples of the types of people He chooses to use), but this is not a man that will be receiving my vote this year because my vote matters. It DOES matter who we elect as leader of this great nation. It matters, it matters, IT MATTERS.

Obama ad will push back start of Game 6 of World Series

2008-10-17T09:22:00.002-04:00

Major league baseball has agreed to push back the first pitch of the world series in game 6 (if there is one) to accommodate a 1/2 hour time slot for an Obama ad on Fox. Is this really necessary?

The economy is Obama's major platform. I don't understand how someone can speak of being financially responsible and yet spend unprecedented amounts of money on his campaign - the most money ever spent by a presidential candidate in history by far (not just accounting for inflation). The dualities and double mindedness of this man are innumerable and I am still at a loss as to why anyone is at peace with this person leading our country.

Pro-Life, Evangelical Christians…for Obama?

2008-10-15T15:41:00.003-04:00

The time is drawing near. Tonight is the last political debate and honestly I don't believe they will be asked anything that will vary from the last two debates. For some reason it seems like they are meant to repeat the same issues instead of discussing different aspects of this ever important election.

My friend on the prayer call (a pastor from N.C.) put it best in his intercession this morning. Let the people of Yah decide who to vote for not based on economics or health care (since we have the true answer for ourselves and others for total life prosperity), but let the people of Yah vote based on the life and death issues that are plaguing our nation and the ones who cannot protect themselves.

Please read.
http://www.heisatthedoor.com/wordcast/?p=272

Political Me

2008-10-07T22:54:00.002-04:00

It's no secret, I am quite politically wired. Since before I confessed Yeshua as my savior I have always been involved in politics. I don't know why this is so, but during this crucial time in our country it is becoming more and more evident that my heart is predisposed to care deeply about political issues.

I guess that was a disclaimer for the post I am writing. Most like to remain politically correct and not discuss such matters, but I am not most. I am very openly passionate to see John McCain become President.

I've watched the two debates between him and Senator Obama, as well as the VP debate, and my heart is grieved - not at the debates themselves, but at how immediately afterwards we are told by the media who did better and why. We are shown selective clips purposely chosen to paint the candidates the way they want them painted. We are even shown interviews with people on the street that further testify to the media's views. In a perfect world news would be impartial and fair - in our country, it just isn't. Unfortunately most will not sit down and watch an entire debate or do the fact checks necessary to see who is telling the truth. Most will listen to the pundits of our day (Hollywood, MTV, Saturday Night Live and The View).

Then there is the issue of the Christian vote. In a race where the two candidates are so fundamentally different in their views and plans for our country, there should be a clear delineation as to who is voting for who. Again, there just isn't. As much as I personally cannot stand the thought of a country with Barak Obama as President, there are other Christians who equally cannot stand the thought of McCain. Then there are still those Christians who will refuse to vote in this election, leaving the responsibility of choosing a leader to the secular world.

My prayer tonight is simply this - that people check the facts and make an informed decision, not a haphazard decision based on rhetoric. My prayer is that people are able to stand behind their decision with true conviction, without wavering and without influence from the swirling buzz. If everyone did just that, our country would be far better for it.

Restoration has begun

2008-09-26T11:12:00.006-04:00

Last night after the commotion had died down and Pierre's parents went home, I was able to honestly forgive my husband. He went to get Thai food and some german chocolate cake and we enjoyed some time together before going to bed early because I was still very dizzy from the tete a tete.

Yet I woke up around 5:30am, crying, wishing I had left when I wanted to. I forgave my husband, but was still so hurt. All of a sudden a flood of forgiveness for my own mother washed over me. I can say it's the first time in my life that I have ever been able to really forgive my mom for walking out on me when I was younger than Joshua. My father was very abusive towards her, verbally and physically. I'm not saying walking out on your children is ok under any circumstance, but I can say I understand. The judgement I once held against her is gone. That in itself is a miracle.

With that in mind I began to examine my lineage and realized that Yahweh does indeed visit the iniquity of the fathers down to four generations. It's not because he is evil (far from it), it's because sowing and reaping is a law that works all by itself (like gravity). I can trace the attack on the fathers in my lineage as far back as my great grandfather who died when my grandfather was six years old, leaving him to be raised by an abusive uncle. My husband's own father abandoned him when he was a few months old and died when he was seven. The attack on fathers is severe.

Pierre and I ended up having a serious talk where we came to the true source of all this pain - a lack of real intimacy with Yahweh. It sounds religious, but it's so not. Reading books about Yahweh, singing songs to Him, going to church and even reading His word - although all very necessary - do not compare with an intimate one-on-one relationship where you talk to Him and He talks to you directly. Nothing can quite go deep enough to heal those broken parts hidden in our souls like a conversation with Yahweh. Nothing. Until those hot spots are healed, unimaginable reactions can occur when they are touched. My husband and I know that well.

Pierre realized that he had gotten caught in religious zeal and lost true intimacy with his Father. He understood for the first time that his religion transferred to our marriage with a list of dos and don'ts instead of real relationship, and saw why I was always so reluctant to take direction from him. Without real relationship, dos and don'ts become a tyranny and dictatorship instead of loving give and take. He realized how he had shut God out of his heart, and consequently shut me out as well. Listening to him speak, I could hear the sincerity in his voice, the true repentance, and most importantly - the deep understanding that behaviors can never be modified from the outside in. Whew. It was one of those moments when a thousand tongues would not have been enough to express my gratitude to Yahweh.

Later in the morning Pastor Dan called and counseled Pierre man to man for about 20 minutes. He wants the four of us to get together soon and continue talking things through. Although agreeing to counseling is a positive step, nothing compares to the true change of heart I have already witnessed in my husband since this all occurred. Just the fact that everything is out in the open is a miracle in itself and shames the devil. Pierre and I have received several prophesies that our marriage is an example to others. Countless people have called us an inspiration, a praise to Yahweh, and a source of joy for them. All along those words have served as a reminder from Yahweh of what could be, of what should be.

I know that yesterday was a turning point in our lives. The iniquity of our fathers has visited our home, but to the glory of Yahweh true restoration will go deep and break that iniquity from going any further. Our marriage shall be an example indeed. Not of two "perfect" little Christians with big smiling faces as people perceive. No. Our marriage will be an example that Yah's restoration power bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things...and heals all things. Love never fails. I praise Yah for my husband's willing and loving heart. All things are possible.

The day I almost ran away from home

2008-09-25T22:11:00.004-04:00

Today is my 3 year anniversary. I have a slight issue with “special holidays”…I expect them to be special. I know it’s my issue and that in the great scheme of things, there are much more important aspects in life than flowers, gifts and dinners. Knowing that, however, doesn’t take the sting off when the special days are forgotten.

Needless to say, I’d been in a mood all day – so when my husband asked me to tell him how I was feeling, I let him have it. I basically told him in an emotional nutshell that I’m very tired of being at the bottom of his priority list, if I’m on it at all. I even went on to say that I will get my needs met elsewhere, being careful to clarify that I meant friends and family. He didn’t like that very much. He picked up the child gate and threw it against the wall, breaking the wall in two places, then proceeded to yell in my face and head butt me. I have a welt and a headache even as I write this hours later.

I wish I could say this is the first time anything like this has ever happened, but it’s not. My husband has a history of exploding, verbally assaulting me, throwing things and even hitting me (small taps and light pushes here and there). Usually he hits me once and then I unload on him. Today was no different except that it’s the first time his hit actually hurt. I punched him several times in retaliation, yelling obscenities as Joshua stood by screaming. It was a scene from Jerry Springer.

The welt on my head, coupled by the fact that I’m 6 months pregnant, really made me draw the line today. I packed my bags and was on my way out the door. I don’t know where I was going. Anywhere, really. He wouldn’t let me leave. He called my father (bad move) and told him he had hit me (worse move). My dad was so upset (worried, pissed off at Pierre), which just made me even more upset. Then he called our pastor, who simply said he would pray for us after I told him I was leaving regardless of what he said. He called his mother, who came over with her husband. They sat there and spoke with me for about two hours until I decided not to leave home.

The question from everyone was the same. Why had I not told anyone that this had been going on. I know it’s because I did not want to ruin my husband’s reputation. More importantly, every time it happened I never thought it would happen again. I also felt a bit like I had handled the situation since I always ended up hitting him more than he hit me. Yet today I was very willing to walk out on my marriage for good. I was even willing to leave my son behind (until my father told me not to and I ended up packing his things as well).

Before I got married, I never understood how a woman could stay in an abusive relationship. Before I experienced what I did today, I never understood how a mom could walk out on her children. Bad relationships sometimes make for bad choices. All in all, I write this because I am grateful. I’m grateful that my husband finally broke out of his desire to be perfect and confessed his faults to those closest to us. I’m grateful the truth is out. I'm grateful that he fought for me and didn't let me leave. I can now move forward with a new hope, knowing that no great marriage has ever gone without trouble.

YADIRA!!!!

2008-09-24T11:33:00.004-04:00

Yes, thanks to my father and mother-in-law (two of the last people on earth who call me by my full name, complete with Spanish pronunciation), my son has now adopted a new way to get my attention.

I ignore it, as I don't want to encourage his new found vocal exercise - but I have to admit it makes me chuckle. Jah-Eee-Yah!!!!!! lol. There's nothing like pure innocence to bring a smile on your face.

The month of Elul

2008-09-22T21:19:00.005-04:00

Being that the month is actually almost over, this post is a tad late...however, still timely. I have always been especially fond of September. Autumn is my favorite season by far - the cool crisp air, the changing colors, harvest. It always symbolized new beginnings for me, yet I had no idea that in the Hebrew calendar it is far more significant than just lining up with a new school year (which most likely was the source of my "fresh start" feeling).

In the Hebrew calendar, this is the month of Elul (alef-lamed-vav-lamed). From the letters we can see that it is a time of learning. Traditionally it is known as a time of repentance. It's really both. Elul is a moad, a set apart time by Yahweh, to examine ourselves. The whole rest of the year we are told to focus on Yahweh, to set our eyes on Him and off of ourselves. Yet the month of Elul is a set apart time to do some self evaluation, to check our fruit (or lack thereof), and to clean house spiritually. It is a time to learn of ourselves in light of what we have learned of Yahweh, and repent in the areas where we have gone astray.

Irma Diaz (a prophetic, messianic teacher from California) believes people's emotions and thoughts are tied to the Hebrew calendar if they are connected to Ruach Ha'Chodesh. So in this month of Elul, people who know nothing about the Hebrew calendar are finding themselves thinking about themselves regardless. People who are connected to the One true living Yah are doing some real soul searching this month without even being aware that Yahweh ordained this time just for that. Elul is even the 6th month in the Hebrew calendar; the number of man. Powerful.

So go ahead and turn inward a bit. Reflect, purge, get real honest. It is alright with Yah. He has set this time apart for you to check yourself before you wreck yourself (lol I couldn't resist). Just do so in the love of Yah, knowing there is therefore now no condemnation to those that are in Yeshua. A fresh start is yours for the taking. Make it what you want - the desires of your heart were put there for a good reason!

Sweet freedom

2008-09-11T20:07:00.006-04:00

I'm reading this new book upon the slight urging of my friend, Tarsha (she bought the book for me and gave me a deadline). It's called, "The Shack," by William P. Young. There will be a full "book report" at the end of the month, but for now I need to write about the sweet freedom the Holy Spirit is ministering to me through what I've read thus far.

Without giving away too many details, this book has indeed turned out to be the refuge that I had been seeking - my secluded farm where life slows down and simple pleasures take precedence over noisy, busy, hoopla. It's a breath of fresh air, a tall glass of ice cold water, a release of every stressor. Aahhhhhhhh...

It is affecting me in tangible, concrete ways. For so long I have been completely unproductive around my home, knowing that any little effort I put into keeping the place clean/organized would just be met with requests for more. No matter how much I did, there was always something left undone that would be pointed out. The easy thing was just to do nothing at all - and thus my home became a chaotic mess both physically and spiritually.

Reading this book has reminded me of my vertical relationship in such a sweet way (I hate to overuse the word "sweet" but it is the best way I can describe it). I'm all of a sudden free to be my very best, knowing that it pleases my Abba...regardless of whether it meets the expectations of those closest to me. I'm free to receive a pat on the back for a job well done from the one who sees behind the scenes. I'm free to live my life as only He intended before the foundations of the world. I'm simply me again. Aahhhhhhh.....refreshing.

After so long of trying to please someone who tries their best to be loving, I've rediscovered that I'm already pleasing to the One who IS Love. Putting my family and my home first above all other responsibilities is suddenly a pleasure instead of a heavy burden. Who knew that could happen from reading fiction? Apparently Tarsha knew...lol.

The Great Divide

2008-09-05T09:20:00.004-04:00

The time is coming, and quickly approaching, where the large grey area Christians have resided in for so long is disappearing. Things are becoming more and more black and white. The dilineation between those who believe the scriptures and those who live in darkness is becoming absolute. Those who choose to commune with a religious, traditional spirit will be left out of the greatest moves of Yah this world has ever seen.

Signs, miracles and wonders to the level we have yet to see on earth are about to become common place - beginning with resurrection from the dead. Apprehend the power we have been given and do not water down so precious a responsibility. Consecrate and separate yourselves from the various ways of this foreign land. We are citizens of Heaven, ambassadors for Moshiac. Do not let His words slip away.

In the name of Yeshua. Amen.

High Fructose Corn Syrup is GREAT!!

2008-09-03T10:09:00.006-04:00

...according to the new ads and website:

http://www.sweetsurprise.com/

Put some silly music and smiling faces on a commercial and people will buy anything. Not you, right? Don't fall for these things, peeps. HFCS has always been, and still is, really harmful to the body. Do your research.

I'd say this is a bit scary, but the love of money is the root of all evil and the stuff is cheap to manufacture. I'm really not surprised. Next we'll see a "tasty trans fats are terrific!" commercial...

Matza is my friend

2008-08-31T15:00:00.003-04:00

Upon being tricked by the Holy Ghost (just kidding...kind of) I have started a Daniel Fast that will last until Rosh Hashanah which ends at sundown on October 1st. As soon as I heard about this fast it bore witness with me. I knew it was something I was to partake in fully.

The fast consists of all fruits, all vegetables, all whole grains in any form except leavened, all nuts and seeds, all legumes, all quality oils, vinegar, seasonings, salt, herbs, spices and water.

It eliminates all meat and animal products, all dairy, all sweeteners, all leavened breads and baked goods, all refined and processed food products, all deep fried foods (including chips), all solid fats, and all beverages (other than water and fresh squeezed fruit and vegetable juices).

It may seem extreme for some, but I was a vegan for several years, followed the Halleluyah Acres diet for a while, and was even completely raw for a season - so this is familiar territory for me. I'm excited about it because I'm pregnant and know that eating this way is the best nutrition I can supply to my baby. It is even the best preparation for labor, if I can stick it out THAT long...let's start with Rosh Hashanah.

Good timing

2008-08-30T23:28:00.003-04:00

Pierre and I went to BJs today. Just as we were parking, he noticed some weird bug activity on the windshield. It looked like a bug was being eaten by two tiny bugs while another tiny bug stood on the sidelines. We made up some funny conversations that could be taking place in "bug world". Surely the one on the side was the chic, yelling at her man to get her some food (!) while the dude was yelling back, "I'm trying! Bob over here is hogging the whole thing!"

We stared at this scenario for quite a while, completely taken in by bug reality tv. We watched as the bigger bug tried with all its might to get these tiny pests off with its little leg. Upon further examination, however, we realized these tiny bugs were not feasting on the bigger bug at all. They were being birthed. Wow. I've never seen or even thought about bugs giving birth. If I had witnessed it on tv I would've switched the channels immediately. Yet watching this thing happen before our eyes was so fascinating.

After all the wiggling and struggling, the two bugs were birthed and one immediately flew away. I said that was the equivalent of Joshua in the bug world. He already thinks he's ready at 1.5 years old to fly the coop and explore the world. lol. The second bug waited a little longer before it followed it sibling.

Momma was off to the side of the windshield, no doubt recuperating. The original baby bug that had been standing on the sidelines never flew away. We went into BJs to shop, came back out, only to find that same little bug was still on the windshield a bit away from its healing momma. It was all so uncanny, so much like humanity.

Once we started driving, they both fell off (lol)...but what a once in a lifetime thing to have witnessed. The rest of the day was followed by examples of impeccable timing that I could list, but don't come close to the bug thing. I'm convinced we are always in perfect timing. If we pay attention, we'll notice how perfect Yahweh's will for our lives actually is. The orchestration of everything around us is a beautiful symphony. Let's stop to hear the music.

What an awesome time in history

2008-08-29T13:00:00.008-04:00

My family and I just witnessed together as Sen. John McCain announced his choice for VP...Gov. Sarah Palin from Alaska. I am so extremely happy to have watched this historic moment. Joshua was raising his hands in the air and yelling, "Woohoo! Halleluyah!" Indeed.

Gov. Palin celebrated her 20 year wedding anniversary today. Her husband, Todd, stood proud and tall with 4 of their 5 children as she delivered her acceptance speech. Their oldest son wasn't there because he's in the army and will be deploying to Iraq in September. Their youngest baby boy was born just this past April and they have 3 daughters in between. She is completely pro-life, anti gay marriage, was raised by working class parents and married a working class man.

She is 44 years old, making her even younger than Barak Obama, and is being announced to this position on the 88th anniversary (almost to the day) that women were given the right to vote in this country. I won't even go into all the wonderful prophetic meanings of those numbers.

She never had aspirations to go into government. She went to the University of Idaho on a scholarship she received as runner up in the Miss Alaska pageant...and she received her degree in journalism - not politics or business.

I always thought you had to be "born" into this sort of thing. I thought you had to have specific degrees and experiences to enter the political arena at this level. I definitely thought you had to have plenty of cash. Yet here is Sarah. She was a PTA mom, a "ski" mom (as opposed to a soccer mom), and sports coach. She is the everyday woman who got elected to city council, then mayor, then governor - all because she has a sincere heart to serve. She could be me, she could be you.

Watching Sen. McCain's introduction of her, followed by her speech, all I could do was cry. She is intelligent, strong, unwavering and a tough cookie to boot. The person he has chosen breaks the mold on so many different levels, and brings with her a true strand of hope for the American government. I am so excited.

The making of a wedding album, etc.

2008-08-29T00:05:00.005-04:00

This should really go in my yldesigns blog...but I already posted over there today. I gotta spread the love.

We're coming around to our 3 year anniversary. The photographer we chose for our wedding sold us a CD of all the images in high resolution to do whatever we wanted with. We paid for an album as well, but then we got busy with life and never got it. I'm finally now getting around to making our wedding album myself. Despite the money we paid, I'm really happy I get to edit the photos and make the album exactly the way I want it.

Here's the first page after opening the cover (click on it to see it a bit larger):

I love it already!! It just seems so Williams-Sonoma, Martha Stewart, expensive...the kind of book people would buy just to have in their homes on the coffee table.

In other news, I received a message today from an unlikely but trusted source that my father is undergoing chemotherapy. When I first heard my father was diagnosed with cancer, I handled it really well - but this just hit me like a ton of bricks. I literally panicked, sobbed, and emailed the entire known universe for prayer.

I then got on my church's local weekly prayer call from 7-8pm. Within that hour I received powerful prayer from my church family, breaking the panic and bringing joy and peace back to my heart. I also received tons of emails from all over the country from people I only know from our daily morning prayer calls. My gosh, I've never been so happy to be so well connected.

My older brother called while I was on the prayer call. When I called him back he just made me laugh and assured me the news I received was most likely false. I got the strength to call my father and found out 1.)He had JUST gotten off the phone with Pierre who had called him from his cell phone in the city without my knowledge to say what I would've said had I not panicked, and 2.)My brother was right. My dad's tests came back saying the cancer is localized and they're meeting with him next month to discuss options. No chemo has been discussed and by then they'll realize this is all a big mistake.

Lessons learned? I am so extremely grateful that I am beyond covered in prayer from EVERYWHERE. I'm glad that I reached out instead of trying to "manage" my panic. That thing needed to be cast out, and it was. Second, I have to do a better job of guarding my heart with all diligence. Today's news came from a trusted source, yet it was completely wrong. My only true trusted source is the Holy Spirit.

Whooo. What a good day.

Back from our week away

2008-08-25T09:09:00.004-04:00

It's good to be home. Pierre actually drove through the night after the last session of the conference so we could be home Sunday morning instead of driving all day Sunday. We are both so blessed to have experienced the past week together as a family.

We always make it a point to visit long time friends of mine (that have now truly become friends of ours) whenever we go down to Morning Star Ministries. We stopped off in Maryland first to spend some time with Tunde and Ranti Akiyode, an on fire couple from Nigeria who pastor Jubilee Christian Church. Pierre got a chance to teach a leadership class while we were there and they were blessed by it. I thought he was a bit rough, but the pastors said he could've even taken it up a notch. lol. They had a few things planned for us, but Pastor Tunde received a phone call before he preached Sunday morning that his father in Nigeria passed away. He had to go through the service as if nothing had changed because he didn't want his brother and wife finding out with everyone else. Yahweh gave him the grace to do it. I just kept hugging him the whole time we were there.

We then made our way down to North Carolina to spend a few nights with Marc and Blanca Garcia. Blanca is a childhood friend of mine and they are now pastors of Mar de Bendicion (Sea of Blessing) Ministries. Pierre and Marc could talk for hours on end, and so could Blanca and I...so Joshua was pretty much left to fend for himself. He made friends with their dog, Bosco, their 14 year old son, Ricky, and Blanca's mom, Maria (who doesn't speak much English). While there, we went to see an exhibit of the Dead Sea Scrolls at a local museum. Joshua was antsy so I rushed through the exhibit (which took the rest of them 2 hours to get through) and took him for a stroll through the rest of the museum instead. We enjoyed ourselves.

I had no idea N.C. is so huge. We drove hours to our next destination. When we finally got to Nana's summer home where we would be spending the rest of our stay, we found out that someone had stolen their copper pipes and they had no running water. Nana and Andrew were bathing outside with the ice cold well water...something I wasn't too thrilled about participating in. We ended up staying in a hotel suite closer to the church with Andrew's military discount. It was sweet.

The conference itself will have to be a different blog entry. In a nutshell, prophesy rocks, I discovered a bit more of my son's personality, and my desire/sense of urgency for the "POC Academy" on the upper east coast has been rekindled BIG time.

I Believe

2008-08-15T09:47:00.003-04:00

I believe Joshua is obsessed with the song, "I Believe" by Micah Stampley ever since he heard us sing it at rehearsal. We have it on repeat in the house upon his request. If it stops playing he just says, "Again! Again! Again!" until we play it again.

I believe I can handle my 1.5 year old son being obsessed with worship. :)

Teaching at Faith Exchange Fellowship

2008-08-14T10:04:00.004-04:00

Last night I was given the opportunity to lead bible study with my husband at church. When I was first told that our pastor requested we do it together, I was honestly very taken a back. My pastor never ceases to surprise me. Then when my husband came and said he wants to teach about hearing the voice of Yah, I was like, "Yeah boyeeeeee!"

Pierre spoke first from various scriptures, then I followed. I so enjoyed it. I haven't really taught a mixed group like that since college. Looking out into their faces and seeing them understand what I was bringing was so rewarding. I taught a little from the book, "Spiritual Man" by Watchman Nee. I also taught some from the Jim Driscoll message I blogged about last week. Then I did an exercise from John Paul Jackson's "Art of Hearing God" seminar.

While preparing, I felt guilty for teaching other people's materials and not my own "heavenly revelations"...but then I realized that there is nothing new under the sun and that Yahweh would put His own spin on it when I got up there to speak - which He did and I loved it. Besides, these things were indeed revelations to me.

After the exercise, several people got up to tell of their experiences. That was the best part for me because people got a chance to really see that Yahweh speaks to them and through them, even during the testimonial section. We had service until well after 9:30, and afterwards everyone lingered - still making divine connections amongst each other. I'm looking forward to the next opportunity down the road.

**I almost forgot to mention...at the end of service I received a word myself from a first time visitor. She said the baby girl in my womb is a dancer. YES!!!! That actually got me more excited about this baby than any other news I could've received. I can't believe I didn't even think of that. lol. WOOHOO!! Oh the things I will choreograph...

What a reception

2008-08-13T00:06:00.001-04:00

This past Sunday I went to my friend's wedding at my previous church. I had a lot of mixed feelings about going back there, mostly because I did not know how I would be received after being away for over 6 years. I am so happy I went.

I was so very blessed by every one's reactions to me. From the youth to the leadership, all I received was genuine love and joy to see me. I introduced myself to someone who started attending the church 3 years after I left and he said, "YOU'RE Yadira?! I've heard so much about you. I can't believe I'm meeting THE Yadira. You're infamous around here." I must say that was pretty cool.

It feels good to know that my work was finished there before I left. It feels awesome to know that my seed in that place continues to bear much fruit. It feels amazing to know that I have lifelong relationships with people of like faith who will always have my back.

One of the pastors happens to now be in the same industry as Pierre and spoke to him about a legitimate opportunity to increase his salary and have residual income, simply through referrals.

Yahweh even orchestrated for my dad to meet someone from that church last week who remembered me and brought his prayer request to the congregation. The main pastor, accompanied by approx 200 members of the church, called my dad on the phone and prayed for his complete healing in every area. My dad said he could hear all the voices and felt the strong anointing.

I write all this to say that you never know who's lives you're touching and how it will come back to bless you when you least expect it. Your seed will even bless those you love. Praise Yah :)

Had my sono yesterday

2008-08-12T10:04:00.002-04:00

Girly crafts are in my near future :)

To Whom It May Concern

2008-08-09T00:02:00.008-04:00

Imagine, if you will, you're walking down a busy tree-lined street when out of nowhere someone grabs a random person out of the crowd and points a gun to their head right in front of you. The person falls to their knees and pleads for their life, visibly shaken with uttermost fear as the gun presses into their temple. Time seems to stop as everything freezes around you. You are standing there watching, praying, when BOOM! That someone pulls the trigger and shoots the person at point blank range - just for the pure joy of killing. Blood spatters all over the concrete, the person's spouse and children run to their aid; too late. The body lays lifeless on the ground before you. It all happened just a few feet away and you couldn't do a thing to stop it. The image is forever engraved in your mind.

Perhaps you're thinking, "How dare you make me picture such a thing?!" Or perhaps you've been so desensitized that the image produced no feeling in you at all. Either way, you're welcome. I just gave you an image for free that you pay to see at the box office. Does it make a difference that they're only "acting"? Does it make a difference that the people portrayed in these movies you watch are not real? Images of death are being emblazoned in your spirit by your own choosing and you think you will be able to stand in the day of adversity? You think you will be able to heal the sick and raise the dead?

"It's only a movie!" You fool. The enemy has you paying money to make others rich while he wastes away your faith. He has you spending your precious time sitting in front of a screen, soaking in his message that life has no value. BOOM! A gunshot to the head followed by a cleverly written line will even get you to laugh. BOOM! Death is entertaining...until it comes knocking at your door and you can't stop it because you're so full of it yourself.

I came to the realization tonight that I've been awakened. Soon you will be, too. You must be. Life depends on it.

Wake up.

Obstacle Illusion - The Spiritual Man - Great Embarrassment

2008-08-07T09:56:00.005-04:00

Obstacle Illusion
At the beginning of the week I was asked to pray on our daily nationwide intercessory prayer call. I mentioned that any lack or unmet need we feel is simply an "obstacle illusion", then quickly corrected myself and said optical. At the end of the call, a gentleman got on and said that I "thought" I misspoke, but really our problems truly are obstacle illusions. That got me thinking.

The spirit realm is like a hologram - a true 3-D image can only be seen when a beam of coherent light is shined on it. Yahweh is the Father of lights, and He resides in me. So whenever I walk into a situation, my light shines upon the unseen and produces 3-D images that I can see with my natural eye. Sometimes the images I can see are the result of what Yahweh and His angels are carrying out on earth. Sometimes the images I see are the result of what Satan and his cohorts are doing.

The realization has to set in that as long as I'm looking at the natural realm, whatever I see (good or bad) is only an illusion. How I choose to respond to said illusion makes all the difference in the world. If I see a bad circumstance or obstacle in my path, and know that it is an illusion, I can simply walk through it. If I see a blessing in the natural, I can choose to acknowledge it in the spirit realm where it actually is and reside there. It's an interesting concept.

The Spiritual Man
I've been reading "The Spiritual Man" by Watchman Nee. I've always heard the soul described in 3 parts - the mind, the will and the emotions. This book is the first time I've heard the spirit described in 3 parts - the conscience, the intuition and the fellowship with the spirit realm. That delineation makes living by the spirit a bit easier to understand. It's a 3 volume book and I'm looking forward to delving more into this revelation.

The Great Embarrassment
This morning on the prayer call I was asked to pray again...only this time the Holy Spirit didn't let me mince words. I ended up repenting to about 50 people from across the nation (including my pastor) of the root of bitterness I have held in my heart towards my husband. I was crying and the whole nine. While I was doing it, I felt my spirit soaring and knew I was doing the right thing. Immediately afterwards, however, I felt the most embarrassed I have pretty much ever felt in my entire life. I wanted to crawl out of my skin and run away. I wanted to hang up the phone, but realized it wouldn't make a difference at that point - I'd already spilled the beans.

I was begging for some sort of relief, and by Yah's grace and mercy, I got it. One by one, people started thanking me for my prayer and confessing their own battle with sin. One repented of the bitterness in his heart towards his wife, another repented of unforgiveness, another read a scriptural blessing for those that repent and repented of her own sin. I realized through this experience that even though we're supposed to die daily, my flesh is alive and well. My flesh needed the relief of hearing others acknowledge what I had said, and admitting that it helped them.

Why couldn't I just flow with the spirit and be satisfied in the fact that I obeyed His leading? Why couldn't I withstand the shame, as Yeshua did? I couldn't stand the embarrassment of being so transparent with the deepest recesses of my soul. I couldn't stand the thought of people around the country who know my husband, knowing that I'm bitter and resentful towards him. It was a horrible feeling, but I'm sure it doesn't come close to comparing with the persecution I will receive as I continue to walk more and more in lock step with Ruach Ha'Chodesh. Man, I have a long way to go. I praise Yah that He only gives us what we can handle...I sooooo needed to hear those other voices this morning. I look forward to the day when I won't need them.

Prophesy vs. Pancreatic Cancer

2008-08-02T11:24:00.005-04:00

Last night I went to see a friend box in Brooklyn. While I was there, I got a phone call from my sister that my father has been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I simply said OK and continued watching the fights. Amidst the rush of thoughts that flooded my mind upon hanging up, the overwhelming feeling was one of peace and trust.

A few minutes later I felt strongly to call and speak with my father directly. I felt that he was riddled with fear and I needed to address that. I stepped out of the arena, found an empty massage room in the gym and called my dad. My step mom picked up the phone and said my dad was sitting outside, really depressed.

The first thing he said was that he wasn't afraid to die. I asked him if he wanted to die. He said no. I said, "Because if you want to live, you can. It's up to you at this point. First of all, you need to get a 2nd and 3rd opinion. I know at least 4 people that have been diagnosed with cancer and it turned out to be a mistake. Don't just take what the doctor said and accept it. I really do not feel in my spirit that you have cancer." When I called him, I didn't know that statement was going to come out of my mouth. I just obeyed the first step and the rest flowed.

He said it all hit him by surprise because he went in for a routine check up and wasn't feeling any symptoms of anything. He was there, chillin', when the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Torres, your tests came back and you have pancreatic cancer. I'll bring out a translator in case you didn't understand what I said." The translator came out and my dad said, "I understand English! I know what he said!" They just told him to come back next week for his prescriptions for all kinds of crap. That's really messed up.

When I told my dad about all the misdiagnosing that has taken place, he told me of when he was 23 years old and they told him his pancreas was so far gone he needed emergency surgery. When the surgeon saw him, he said it was impossible for his pancreas to be that messed up...he would've had to have been having sex since before he was born. They ran some more tests and found it was just kidney stones. That happened when he was just 23 years old. I believe it is happening again and I was glad to hear my dad had experienced precisely what I was trying to explain to him.

I told him that the same prophetic gifting that is on his life is on my life, only I know where to channel my information from because I know where I got the gift from (whereas my dad was raised channeling all kinds of familiar spirits). I told him I know by the spirit that he does not have cancer. I proceeded to tell him by the spirit that he is not going to die until he is a little old man and has completed what Yahweh put him on this earth to do. When he is satisfied, he will go - no disease, accident or tragedy is going to take his life.

I told him not to go around telling everyone he has cancer, not to wallow in self pity, not to even let it come out of his mouth at all - because if he lets fear and depression set in and starts speaking those things, he could very well end up giving himself something he did not have in the first place. He just kept reiterating the shock he felt when he heard the news, because "cancer has no cure." I said, "Well, you don't have cancer - and that statement is not true. God made your body and he knows how to fix it. I know people who have gotten cured from AIDS, and they say that has no cure, either." He told me that his wife had fallen on him crying, saying the same thing - that God is in ultimate control and that they needed to go back to church and press into God more than ever before.

He thanked me for calling and giving him strength. He said he was going to do what I said and that he felt so much better. It meant a lot to me that my dad actually received my words and didn't get hurt by the fact that I didn't call to wallow with him. I love my father. I realized later that if my sister was still strong in the Lord, my phone call would have been confirmation to what he already heard from those closest to him. It hurt me a bit that in her spiritual state all she could do was call to give me the "bad news". I'll deal with her later.

In the meantime, my Yahweh will supply all of my father's needs according to His riches in glory by Moshiac Yeshua. The devil is a liar and a thief, he has been caught and I'm fully expecting a 7-fold return of health and well being for my entire family.

Prophesy vs. Prosperity

2008-07-30T16:58:00.008-04:00

Last night Dr. Jesse Duplantis came to teach at our church. As always, he was hilarious - but more so, his message set off sparks in me. I want to get the CD and listen to it over and over until it sinks in. My first thought after thinking that was, "Oh no...I'm off into a new subject again!!"

Here I am on this prophetic kick, practicing the voice of Yahweh and listening to prophetic teachings...and now I'm being pulled in the prosperity direction to do the same diligent study. I know what you're thinking, "It's all the Word, right? What difference does it make?" It makes a huge difference. It's like wanting to go to Law school and Med school at the same time.

You never see prophetic teachers and prosperity teachers running in the same circles. Yes, prophetic teachers speak about total life wellness and prosperity teachers speak about hearing the voice of Yah - in that sense it crosses over a bit. Yet neither one of the two really delves into the opposite subject in the sense that I am feeling pulled to do. It's a good thing I was able to resolve this seeming dichotomy in my spirit on the car drive home.

The answer is, I really do have to study both topics - as well as be a diligent student of my own pastor whose teachings are a complete course in themselves. I really do have to venture into the land of Rick Joyner, John Paul Jackson, Jim Driscoll, etc to get my prophetic training -AND- into the land of Jesse Duplantis, Kenneth Copeland, Bill Winston, Miles Monroe, etc to renew my mind for total life prosperity. I really do need to emmerse myself in the Hebrew and the apostolic, yoke destroying, burden removing messages of Pastor Dan Stratton. They are ALL essential to my life as a Christian, to live in the blessing and bring miracles to those around me. The only part of my schedule that will suffer are the many idle moments during the day where I'm tempted to do a myriad of mindless things. That's quite alright with me.

It turns out I'm not a pschytso after all...amen to that!

Look...Admit...Expect

2008-07-29T01:14:00.001-04:00

Before I met my husband, I thought the prophetic was something that worked at YHWH's whim. I believed that YHWH could give me a word of knowledge for someone whenever He felt like it and it was then my decision as to whether or not I would deliver that word to the person (depending on if I believed I was hearing from YHWH...usually I didn't believe it). Upon meeting Pierre, who had been studying the prophetic for years and praying for a prophetic wife, I learned that it is a gift just like any other which can be improved by study and practice. Whoa.

That was 4 years ago. I've since let that knowledge slip, but am ready to take the bull by the horns. I downloaded a bunch of free podcasts from www.stirthewater.com with Jim Driscoll, as well as their linked sites. I've listened to one of them (Growing Your Faith to See, Part 1). This is what I learned:

The first step is to ask YHWH a question and then LOOK to see what He is showing you. Don't have predisposed expectations of what you're supposed to see, just look objectively at whatever He is showing you - even if it doesn't seem to answer your question.

The next step is to ADMIT what you're seeing. Do not dismiss it. Admitting what you see is in itself an act of faith. If you don't act in faith, you lose faith. Do not allow fear or trepidation to come in at this point; just write down what you are seeing/feeling/hearing without making any judgement on it.

The third step is to EXPECT understanding. When you get a revelation that you can't make heads or tails of, go back to YHWH with it. Believe by faith that what you have heard is correct, and expect the interpretation. YHWH wants to train you in hearing Him more clearly, but He can't do it if you are constantly questioning whether or not what you hear/see is valid. It is valid - now get the understanding.

Jim Driscoll gave a personal example of a time when for 21 days he went to YHWH every morning and asked Him what was going to happen that day. One day YHWH told him there was going to be a lot of change. Jim looked over his journal at the end of the day and realized nothing much had changed. He didn't say, "Oh well, I guess I missed it," (which is most likely what I would've done). He went to YHWH and said, "I asked you what was going to happen today and you said lots of change. I have seen no change today, so I'm taking the word back to you. I know I heard it." YHWH told him to put his hand in his left pocket. He felt a bunch of coins and realized he had gotten lots of change from several purchases he had made. The point wasn't that it was a big revelation he needed to receive ahead of time...the point was that YHWH was training him to hear. If Jim had dismissed that word, he wouldn't have heard YHWH tell him to check his pockets. He never would've known that he actually did hear YHWH correctly and would've missed out on an opportunity to grow in his faith.

I'll leave you with one last thought from the teaching. Your ability to hear from YHWH is like a vessel that receives revelation...and if you use it, it'll grow. The day is coming and quickly approaching when YHWH is going to outpour more faith than you can contain. Whether He overflows your thimble or your bucket is up to you. The more you can contain, the more you will operate in. Don't be left standing in front of the opened, gushing fire hydrant holding a thimble.

LOOK
ADMIT
EXPECT

Are you prophetic?

2008-07-28T10:06:00.004-04:00

In a few short weeks, I will be heading down to NC for Morning Star's annual prophetic conference. As excited as I am about that, it's sort of bitter sweet in the sense that I have to come back home where I have no fellowship in that area. Pierre says that means I should start something. Surprise, surprise.

I was watching something on television last night (I know, bad Yadi) about psychic children. I could relate to a lot of things that were being said - the fact that you often feel all kinds of deep emotions for no reason at all because you are picking up on things going on around you (my problem is that I identify with every emotion I feel instead of being objective enough to know the feeling just might not be originating from me), the fact that "psychic abilities" tend to run in families (most of the family on my father's side is paranormal), the feeling of being an outsider while growing up (I overcompensated for this by becoming President of everything and keeping the "weird stuff" for home). It was a good reminder to me of what it's like being a child with paranormal abilities; a reminder that was needed since my children will most likely experience a lot of the things that I did (minus the séances).

The good news is that my children will never have to wander into the dark side of things because they will always know where their giftings come from and who they are meant to glorify. I realized today that every creative tool I've ever used has drawn tremendous emotional responses from people at one time or another, saved and unsaved a like. Whether it has been drawing, painting, dancing, singing, public speaking, and even photography, I believe the link that ties it all together is the prophetic. I believe the gift I need to be giving myself to more than any other is the prophetic - and everything else will flow from that. I believe He wants to use the myriad of creative talents He gave me to speak His message to different people.

I definitely see now that Point of Creation has a lot more to do with the prophetic than it has to do with the creative arts. I see a common thread of it in all the girls Yahweh has chosen to be a part of POC. In all my commitments to honing my different creative gifts, I've never truly made a long lasting commitment to honing my prophetic gifts. My priorities were off. It's like I've been on a long journey that has brought me right back to where I started - the primal, rudimentary essence of who Yahweh created me to be.

I'm feeling so pschytso right now...like every week I'm on a new path. Bear with me, I'm a work in progress and I'm not afraid to let you know. lol. If this post speaks to you in any way, please comment. I need to know where the other "psychic" children are.

Awe CRAP

2008-07-14T23:36:00.003-04:00

Just when I decide to mind my own business and stop paying attention to what this crazy world is doing, I happen across a new bill that has been passed which directly affects my unborn child.

As of April 24, 2008, President Bush signed a new bill into law for the purpose of establishing a national DNA database. This bill (S.1858 "The Newborn Screening Saves Lives Act of 2007") authorizes the federal government to screen the DNA of all newborn babies in the U.S. within six months and warehouse it. This stored DNA can then be used for genetic experiments and tests without parental consent. Are you friggin' kidding me?

This is just one more thing I will have to decline with a signature because it goes against my "religious beliefs". I'm glad good 'ole religion is still a viable plea; but for how long? ...and if they're doing it without parental knowledge, who is to say that the little pku test they draw blood for isn't being used for DNA screening as well? Giving birth at home is sounding reeeeaaaaal good right about now.

Death - the last enemy to be defeated

2008-07-11T17:50:00.003-04:00

Many people have been asking about fundraising since reading one of my previous posts. I have been researching and will definitely get back to that; but for right now, death is my target.

Yesterday was Kevin Cromer's funeral. My family was in attendance and my husband was asked to speak. The situation of his untimely death, combined with my own poor job of guarding the gates to my soul, has made me very death conscious. I lay in bed fully aware of my heartbeat and how fragile everything in my body is.

During the altar call, the preacher said that death comes a-knockin' and can come at anytime. He said we weren't even guaranteed to get home safe after leaving there. Life could all stop without my will or consent. Is that the truth? Not according to scripture.

Death is an enemy of Yah. The scriptures do not say the wages of life is death; it says the wages of sin is death. Even when Adam sinned, it took 930 years for that sin to work its way to death. Yet today death is manifesting so fast we just assume it is out of our control. However, I seem to remember Yeshua saying that He Himself had to give up his life in order to die. I absolutely remember him raising the dead a few times with just a touch or a word. I even remember Paul making a conscious decision to stay on earth because it would be more beneficial to those around him.

I read something in a book this week about innocence. It gave one of the definitions as, "having no consciousness of mortality or morality." I thought that was wrong at first, until I thought of my son. He is 1.5, he has no awareness of death and no awareness of morals. He just is. He lives in the moment, he trusts, he plays, he laughs, he gets frustrated when things don't seem right to him. He is innocent. Adam and Eve were innocent in this same regard.

Innocence is what the enemy fights so hard to steal from us. Innocence is what brings power to heal the sick and raise the dead. The scriptures teach that if we are not childlike, we will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven. We have become so desensitized to death and sickness that we are not moved with compassion to eradicate it - we accept it as a way of life in ourselves and others.

It has to stop. At the end of my Kevin Cromer post I asked what it is that we are not getting. I got my answer - we have lost our innocence. Life is more powerful than death, but we have a lot more death in us than we even realize. The life we receive from hearing and reading scriptures has to contend with the death we receive from television, movies, advertisements and conversations. So many things we allow to pass through our gates (eyes, ears, etc) on a daily basis are in direct opposition to the scriptures.

In that same book about innocence, the author speaks of his 3 year old son receiving a McDonald's toy in his happy meal of the Hunchback of Notre Dame. He started to cry. When his father asked why, he said, "This man needs healing." That is the compassion, sensitivity and innocence that I yearn for. It is more important to me than anything I can ever entertain myself with.

It's not too big of a goal to be pure and innocent enough in my thinking in order to take the scriptures at face value and raise the dead. It's not too much to ask to be able to spend enough time with my Abba that His power manifests in me and sets people free. My soul is crying out for consecration.

Today

2008-07-10T10:26:00.002-04:00

I have so many important things to write about - truly - but I just want to take this moment to document that today, July 10th 2008...the day Joshua has officially turned a year and a half...he saw fit to take dry erase markers and scribble all over the hardwood floors in not one but two places. Foolishness is indeed in the heart of a child.

Kevin Cromer

2008-07-04T09:50:00.005-04:00

I was going through some old blog entries, reliving past revelations and laughing at my own journey - when the news I heard yesterday evening hit me in the gut again. Kevin Cromer has passed. That's how my husband put it when he got the phone call from Stephen (at church). Kevin Cromer has passed.

Kevin Cromer (or Triple A, as I would call him - the anointed, ambulating apostle) was born with spina bifida and was wheelchair bound his entire life. He was hilarious, loving, and very intelligent. He was my friend.

I cried when I heard the news. I'm tearing up writing this. Oh I know where he is now, and I know he has his glorified body and that he is happier right now than he has ever been in this life. I understand and fully believe that. That knowledge is what keeps us believers from the grief that overtakes many when they lose a friend or relative.

What deeply saddens me is what his "death" represents. It embodies all of the unfulfilled promises, the unreceived end to our expectations, the hope that seemingly bore no fruit. It signifies the prayers without answer, the pure and consistent belief for healing in this lifetime that seemed to fall to the ground.

Pierre says it is always something on our end that went wrong, never on Yah's end. But over and over again? What about the young stranger I prayed for in my early days of salvation with every ounce of faith I had; when I looked into his mother's face and said everything was going to be ok as he laid there comatose in the hospital - only to get a phone call a few days later that he had died? What about all of those that have "passed" recently, leaving behind those same unfulfilled promises?

What is it that we're not getting?

Time to raise some funds

2008-07-03T08:35:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning having dreamt something that stirred me to the very core. Our church is currently awaiting half a million dollars that was promised from some mystery man and hasn't shown up. We want to use that money to lease church space for a year or so downtown Manhattan. When we thought we had the moneys in hand, our pastor's wife gave a strong reproof to the congregation that basically went something like this, "Don't rejoice, you lazy people! Someone else is getting the credit for what you should have done yourselves!" Of course, she was a little nicer about it, but that was the gist. Shortly after that, the moneys evaporated into thin air.

In my dream, I was yelling at everyone. I was asking them why we, as able-bodied adults, were sitting around waiting for $500,000 to fall out of the sky. What ever happened to fund raising? What's wrong with bake sales, yard sales, mowing lawns, singing on the subway...whatever?! If everyone does a little, even if we can raise $100,000 - it's more than we have now. Since when did we become of those sort that sit around and wait for blessing to land on our laps?

I woke up realizing that we are really lazy. Why? Because we've sown seed? So now we feel entitled? Imagine farmers sowing seeds and then going and sitting on their couch, praying for watermelons to land on their laps; praying for someone to show up at their door with potatoes. That's ridiculous. Having sown seed, you have to then put your hand to the plow. You gotta go dig up your harvest. The work doesn't end. Does the miraculous happen where checks show up out of nowhere and Yah speaks to people to give you money? Of course. The Word does say that men will give unto your bossom. Yet that's one friggin' scripture. The rest of the scriptures speak of hard work and persecution. We bank so much on that one miraculous line in the bible that we are crippled from the satisfaction of accomplishing Yah's will on earth for ourselves.

It not only goes for Faith Exchange, my church. It goes for us as individuals. It is so easy to make money in this country, if you really think about it. People will pay for almost anything. Yet we get so grandiose in our thinking; we think we have to build multi-million dollar companies overnight in order to affect any sort of real change...meanwhile we are living in lack. We, healthy/able-bodied/intelligent/good looking/strong/talented/entrepreneurial GIANTS are in lack because we think so much on the huge things we will do one day that we forget the small things we can do today. What about collecting the loose change laying all around the house? What ever happened to the concept of bit by bit, little by little? Isn't it possible that as we are diligent to do the little things, Yah will supernaturally bless it and triple our efforts? Gosh.

Where do we get this stinkin' mentality from? Certainly not from our pastors, who have given more of their personal substance than I think I have ever earned in my lifetime thus far. They travel the country, and other countries, helping every one that needs it. My pastor is working on global water initiatives and speaking with Indian chiefs to bring aid to their communities. He's constantly bringing different vehicles into the church to help people make money. Yet as a congregation, we are so inward focused. Every space we have been able to have church in has been a supernatural blessing - yet what have we really done to help the communities we've been in? We sit in our four walls and wait for bigger and better things while our harvest rots...the harvest of moneys AND the harvest of souls.

I am convinced Yah is not pleased with us as a congregation (our pastors aside). I am also convinced that the smallest effort and change of heart would bring about such a huge bounty. I am now on a fund raising frenzy...personally, and for the church. This is not the last you will hear of this. Oh and if this is like anything else I have ever done, I'm dragging EVERYONE in with me. Onward to corporate blessing through individual best effort. Onward to debt eradication everywhere.

Bye-Bye Fever

2008-07-02T21:54:00.002-04:00

I want to start off by saying that my blog has not been neglected...I've just been enjoying putting entries in the photo blog. You can go there to see what I've been up to.

In other news, Joshua woke up Monday morning with a fever of 101.4. There were no other symptoms. Throughout the day he was eating and playing as normal, but after his afternoon nap the fever got even higher. Pierre wasn't home so I had no transportation to take him to the hospital...admittedly I would not have done that anyway. Pierre got home and we did everything in the natural (homeopathic) as well as in the spirit to take care of him. The fever persisted through the night and he started having convulsions (not seizures; tremors). He was in and out of sleep and it was a long night for all of us.

He woke up the next morning totally fine, only to get an even higher fever in the early evening. This time I gave in, gave him children's tylenol and made a doc appt for the next morning. That evening, Pierre and I took communion.

This morning he woke up fine and remained fine all day long. Praise Yah. We took him to the doc and she said she saw some sores on his throat, but didn't prescribe any antibiotics (praise Yah again because Pierre would've made him take them). He is totally healed. It was so nice to feel my baby's cool skin all day long. Aaahhhhhhhhh. Refreshing. There is nothing like a covenant with my Yah. We always know how the story ends.

It's official; they're gone

2008-06-20T20:13:00.001-04:00

My neighbors across the street sold their house and finished moving the rest of their things today. Yesterday I was outside playing with Joshua and the mom and 2 year old daughter were also outside. Her daughter yelled, "Baby!" across the cul-de-sac; to which Joshua responded with a wave. I've seen them outside while we were out there before, but never went over to say hello. Yesterday I mustered up the gumption (after the kids introduced themselves without help from us moms).

The Holy Spirit had been prompting me to befriend her ever since we moved into this house. I always found an excuse to stay in my hermit crab shell. I regret it. I went over and spoke with her yesterday and she's so cool. She was funny, smart, my age, and we have so much in common. She's also a stay at home mom, so while I was home all day long - so was she. I'm pretty sure they sold their house to an older couple with no kids.

Why didn't I ever take the initiative to go over there and make friends? I had way too many excuses. Basically, I didn't think we'd have anything to talk about. I was always too busy to make a new friend. Now they're gone and I face a missed opportunity. I hate those. Lesson learned.

Rant

2008-06-19T16:06:00.003-04:00

I've been finishing up the last of my portfolio pictures this week and I still do not have sound on my computer, so I thought I'd turn on the radio. At first I was so delighted with the myriad of catchy tunes and fabulous beats. They seemed to be making my workload go by faster as I bopped in my seat. I was half paying attention until a few hours later when I caught myself singing these atrocities. What??!

My heart is NOT damaged. I'm not kissing any chics just to try it. I'm certainly not getting low, low, low, low, etc. Ridiculous. What gets me about these songs is that they are so addicting. I have the kind of mind that learns lyrics after hearing a song twice. So now if I'm not paying attention, my mind is swirling around to this stuff.

This is what people are listening to on a daily basis. This is what they are singing, on purpose. This is what they download onto their ipods and sleep with at night. Will the good lyricists with TRUE and edifying words stand up already? Geez.

Home and Garden State

2008-06-16T12:01:00.005-04:00

Yesterday we went to visit my dad on Long Island for Father's Day. It was nice to see my family, but the more I go to Patchogue the less I feel it is home. I was actually pretty surprised to feel a longing for the Garden State while there. New Jersey...home?? This morning I heard my friend Tamiko on the prayer call say that even though she lives in Jersey, she'll always be a New Yorker. I have always related to that. So why was I feeling these "home" feelings about Jersey while visiting the home in NY where I spent most of my life?

Driving down the roads was a bit daunting. I saw a lot of the buildings where my childhood memories resided had been torn down, making room for new stores and condos. The old village of Patchogue is being updated, taking away that nostalgia I felt around every corner in my previous visits. To top it off, as much as I love my family and appreciate their place in my life, I realized that the family I had in the car with me - my husband and my son - had become more like home than even my father and siblings. It kind of feels like I've grown up, and it feels good.

The Garden State is my home now. I can admit it. I'm a Jersey girl.

Photography blog

2008-06-15T00:26:00.003-04:00

I've added a new journal to my bag 'o blogs. This one is just for my photography experiences. I will be updating with each new photoshoot and whatever else happens in between. I've backdated to April 1st so I could include the shoots I've done thus far. http://designsyl.blogspot.com/ Feel free to bookmark it ;)

In other news, Happy Father's Day! We'll be heading out to Long Island to see my dad tomorrow...uh...today (I need to go to sleep!). During the morning service, Pierre and 6 other fellas will be speaking on what it means to be a father. I'm looking forward to hearing what they all have to say.

Greater than sacrifice

2008-06-11T10:36:00.004-04:00

7:38am
Pierre: Dial into the Prayer Call
Me: It's too early. It's only 7:38. There's still time.
Yahweh: You argue the smallest things. If you do it to him, you do the same to me.

Obedience. It's a seemingly relative term. Many believe that as long as you eventually get around to doing what you're told to do, you've been obedient. Your husband asks you to wash his whites - you get it done by the end of the week. Your boss tells you to write up your expenses - you turn it in an hour or two after it was due, grateful for the grace (it's your money, after all). Your pastor tells you to fast weekly - you fast when you feel led.

Obedience rubs our American nature the wrong way. The very definition of obey includes the word "conforming". That's a curse word in this country. Yet it is required of us, friends of Yah, in this day and age more than ever before. We think that the small delays in our obedience do not affect anything. However, if we delay to obey natural authority we will undoubtedly delay obeying spiritual authority. How many have lost their lives prematurely because they argued with the inner voice that would have brought them to safety?

We choose on a daily basis to rationalize our own way so we can live an independent life. The irony is that living in one of the most free countries in the world has led to some of the most bondage. We need to wake up and realize that perhaps the choices we make are not the best. Perhaps the authorities Yahweh has placed in our lives are not there to irritate, but to train. The more we practice obedience on a daily basis, the more effectual we'll be in the day of adversity for ourselves and others. The faster we train ourselves to obey natural authority, the faster we'll respond to the Holy Spirit's leading. Not to mention that without submission, we can never have true authority in our own lives. It's a spiritual law.

A side benefit of obeying natural authority is that doing so admonishes those with the authority to be careful with what they say. How many in leadership positions across the country bark out a bunch of senseless commands in an effort to have at least some of their words heeded? Obedience is greater than sacrifice; it is the greatest sacrifice. Practice being obedient on a daily basis and tell rebellion it has no place in your life. The benefits in the spirit realm will far surpass any temporary inconvenience to your flesh.

Yep, I know the sex of my baby.

2008-06-09T23:56:00.006-04:00

This morning on the prayer call, while I was minding my own business praying in tongues, I had a vision of a pretty little baby girl. She was lighter than me with the same chubby legs, blacker hair than mine (a whole lot of it, straight) and had big brown eyes. I knew her name was Annabella (which I'd never thought of before but think is pretty). She didn't look anything like what I usually picture our daughter(s) to look like (darker, big puffy afro). She actually looked a lot like me when I was born. Yes, my hair was pin straight. Go figure.

Later on in the day I had another vision of her, running around after Joshua with those same chubby legs and a little dress. So cute.

...Judging by the percentage of times that I'm right when it comes to visions/premonitions for myself, it's a pretty safe deduction that I'm having another BOY.

The current day

2008-06-05T11:19:00.011-04:00

Foreclosure: A situation in which a homeowner is unable to make principal and/or interest payments on his or her mortgage, so the lender, be it a bank or building society, can seize and sell the property as stipulated in the terms of the mortgage contract.

Investopedia Commentary: In some cases, to avoid foreclosing on a home, creditors try to make adjustments to the repayment schedule to allow the homeowner to retain ownership. This situation is known as a special forbearance or mortgage modification.

Last year around this time, our mortgage company decided to sell our loan to another company. They can do that without the homeowner's knowledge or consent. The new company saw fit to raise our monthly payments by hundreds of dollars. That's their prerogative as well. A few months later, we somehow overlooked renewing our homeowner's insurance, and the new company assumed it - thereby raising our monthly payments another thousand and change. At that point it became very difficult for us to juggle all the bills and we went into default. The company even kept all monies awarded to us when a tree fell on our house and destroyed the porch. Despite Pierre's constant communication with the lenders, and his repeated attempts to bring everything current, they went ahead and filed a foreclosure. I got the letter right before going on my board of directors retreat. We worked out a plan of repayment, but the monthly number is even higher (almost by another thousand) than the previous numbers. That is what is happening in the natural.

Moad: An appointed time set by Yahweh.

In the spirit realm, explosions are happening. The POC retreat proved to be a divine and appointed time for all of us. Though the foreclosure has brought about a roller coaster of emotion for my soul, my spirit is settled, strong, calm, rooted and grounded in victory. I am a commander in the spirit realm, an intercessor, an agent of change. The enemy has tried almost successfully to snuff out this reality, numbing me with mindless entertainment and distracting me with frivolities. Yet the truth remains that I am a leader. Yahweh has always told me so, and he always confirms His word again and again - not because He likes to hear Himself talk, but because we obviously need to hear the same thing several times before we believe it. My pastor called me fearless yesterday, and it took me by surprise for a moment; until I remembered that I am. This is an appointed time for me, and an appointed time for the body at large. I can have as much or as little involvement in Yahweh's powerful outpouring as I choose to free myself to. Our pastor told us that all which is hidden shall be revealed. If we choose to reveal our hidden secrets, all the blessings that are hidden will also be revealed. As for my physical house, it's fully renovated and paid for. No amount of human error or spiritual attack can change truth, not even facts.

I am a leader, and as a leader I take my rightful position at the forefront; servant of all. Who is greatest in the kingdom but they that are willing to give their lives for others. My place is to fast, pray, intercede on behalf of others so that their destinies cannot be stunted by the enemy of their souls. My only desire is that I remember this on a moment to moment basis for the rest of my natural life.

Happy

2008-05-29T22:08:00.003-04:00

Surprise, surprise, Yahweh continues to amaze me. I've been home from my board of directors retreat for a few days now and I'm still on a high. I can't be angry, offended, hurt or disappointed. It's impossible. I just have to remember a smidgen of what the Holy Spirit did on that trip and my cares melt away. All I can do is smile and sing the "Wednesday Song" (as my pastor calls it): I don't care...I don't care...I don't care, I don't care, I don't care....

I went to see my midwife today. As I expected, my self proclaimed prophesy was WRONG. lol. I'm not having twins. I'm just gaining weight rapidly...so I played a little volleyball outside with my husband in the evening as our son ran around the yard. Something about the twilight and the sweet air made this house feel like a home; a feeling I still struggle to find most days, even after 3 years of living here.

I tuned in to watch "So You Think You Can Dance" on Fox tonight. I hadn't realized the season already began. THAT is my show. I don't know if I'll be able to watch it faithfully with everything I have going on, and I am one of the drastic few that do not even have cable, let alone anything sophisticated like TiVo...so I'm happy that Fox jumped on the ABC bandwagon and put their television programs on Demand on their website. Now if I only had sound on this new computer...

I'm going to sleep now, with a big cheesy grin on my face. I don't really know when it'll wear off. I don't care...

I'm trying...

2008-05-23T13:57:00.004-04:00

May 20th was my mother's birthday. I remembered intermittently throughout the day and finally decided to give her a call later that evening. That's when I realized I do not have her phone number. She changed it about a year ago and I probably got it from my sister at one point while I was half paying attention, but regardless, I didn't have it. I called my sister and got her voice mail. FYI, I have an older sister in Houston who is in her late 40s. We share said mother.

So I left a message telling her to tell our mother that I said Happy Birthday, and asking for the new number. I got a message back saying that my mother would be surprised and shocked to hear from me. Likewise.

Next step; Call.

In other news, my pregnancy is going well. My body seems to be responding much quicker this time, which is a tad irksome. I'm still holding on to the possibility that there are two in there. This weekend I have a board of directors retreat, then when I return I will visit my midwife to find out what's up in there.

Learning to honor

2008-05-16T19:53:00.002-04:00

On Mother's Day, Pastor Dan did a teaching on honoring your parents (namely, your mother) that I listened to kicking and screaming on the inside. I basically flat out rejected it and convinced myself it didn't apply to me...all the while understanding deep inside that I'm not exempt from the scriptures calling me a fool for doing so.

My mother had me in her forties, out of wedlock, after having two other children that were raised by other people. She wanted to have an abortion, and would have gone ahead with it if my father hadn't threatened to end her life if she did so. So on March 24th, 1978 at around 6pm, she had me via c-section. She stuck around for about 10 months before deciding having a baby at her age was not something she particularly had patience for, and split. She moved out, and eventually moved to Houston when I was in 1st grade (right after my dad met his new wife and they moved in together).

My dad had a full time job, so I ended up living full time with the person who started out taking care of me part time...my father's ex-wife...the one he cheated on with my mother. She took me in and raised me as her own child from the time I was 10 months old. Now that relationship wasn't perfect. As you can imagine she had plenty of misdirected angst against me, mixed with love, that she used to verbally abuse me on a daily basis. Yet it was easy to forgive her. She was in her late 50s when she took me in and her life wasn't a bowl of cherries. But she gave me a roof over my head, home cooked meals and plenty of love the way she knew how to give it. I loved her. She passed away in April of '05, a few months before I got married.

For a while I thought that I had done the hardest thing I needed to do...forgive the woman who raised me for all the horrible words she spoke into my life. I thought she had hurt me worse than anyone else could have. Yet all the while, deep in my heart, I had been harboring unforgiveness towards the mother that birthed me. I didn't realize this until Pastor Dan's message.

So now I embark on a journey to honor the woman who I've basically ignored for the past few years. I choose to do this because I do not want to live a life of obscurity, I do not want to be a fool in Yahweh's eyes, and I want her (Delia) to come to know the knowledge of His saving grace. I'll keep you posted.

Twins?

2008-05-15T14:27:00.002-04:00

I probably shouldn't be writing this, but I usually regret when I don't write down how I'm feeling at the moment when I'm looking back with hindsight 20/20. I'm definitely pregnant, no doubt about it...but is there more than one in there? If you ask me, I'm already showing a bit, I'm completely exhausted all the time, I'm extremely irritable and I'm pretty sure I can feel some sort of movement at times. All those things can be explained with lots of reasons, but one of those reasons is multiple babies.

Then there's the hunch. I feel like I'm having twins. My hunches aren't very reliable when it comes to myself, however. I had quite a strong hunch that I was prego with a girl the first time around...right up until I heard the midwife announce, "It's a boy!" I also completely lacked the hunch that I was even pregnant this time around.

What is the likelihood of twins? Not high. Neither Pierre nor I have twins running in our families that we know of. I didn't use any kind of fertility drugs, which cause the most amount of twins in this country. Hmmm. Well, I will know for sure after my ob appointment on May 29th. If it is twins, I'm definitely finding out the sexes...and I'll be SO psyched by the awesome photo ops! lol.

Humbled

2008-05-13T15:17:00.002-04:00

I had an excellent time with Satoya and her "Trash the Dress" shoot yesterday...that is until the dreaded "err 02" showed up on my camera and we had to stop taking pictures before her dress was actually trashed. It was a memory card error and I need a new one; it totally stopped recording the pictures. I'm glad I noticed before we trashed her dress. That would've sucked. But I digress.

The real excellent time for me was the ride up to her home when we got to discuss her job. I had been feeling a bit melancholic about my pregnancy, like how could I possibly love another child as much as I love my first kinda thing. That all went away while listening to Satoya speak of the children she works with in the group home. After hearing the conditions those children live under - the fact that most of them are given drugs to deal with their issues instead of real life training, the poor foods that they consume, the false hope they have of going home after their parents have signed them away to the state, the foster parents who take them in just to receive moneys from the government...it all broke my heart and made me realize again what an honor and privilege it is to raise children under the admonition of Yahweh. It gave me that love for my unborn child, knowing that he or she is one less child who will have to suffer at the hands of bad choices made by adults. I may not be able to save all the children in all the shelters around the world, but I can certainly raise mine with true Love. I am blessed.

Beyond that I am sobered and humbled by the vision for our school that Yahweh bestowed on us (POC). Maybe the privileged children I had been envisioning as students in our school are actually the little ones society has tossed away. Maybe they don't pay tuition after all (how could they?). What if it is an orphanage and a school all in one? Whatever Yahweh has called us to do, we are fully equipped and provided for. We can do all things through Moshiac Yeshua who gives us strength.

Connections, Confirmation and Clarity

2008-05-06T21:46:00.004-04:00

Whoo...time to write.

I'm a little "sad" because my last house guest is gone and the house is now officially back to "empty". It was nice having an extra adult chic around for good conversation and fellowship. I was pretty surprised to find that as soon as she left, I missed her. I don't miss people. I'm pretty much "out of sight, out of mind." Yet I really missed her. It was weird. But I digress.

The Leadership Summit was off the hook. I met many wonderful new people and established a few new relationships. The teachings were all excellent. I especially enjoyed Lance Wallnau. You can't really take notes during his presentation, you just kind of have to catch it as it flies by you at 100mph. It's great.

I met a woman named Judith who said she has plenty of contacts in the education business (as she put it) who have licenses and contracts to start new schools but gave up because of the difficulty. She said I could pick up where they left off so I wouldn't have to start from scratch. Excellent. Connections.

I chased Lance Wallnau down after his last teaching and told him as much as I could about the school in a few minutes as he was gathering his things to leave. He said my passion was strong and my vision is clear, but that he's not the contact I need. He said I need to pray with the rest of POC for the embodiment of our missing piece. He said we need a business plan that is clear enough to define the things we're still missing. Then he said he personally thinks that our missing link is a retired CEO who has gotten disgruntled with the educational system's lack of values and will come out of retirement to help us. Awesome. Confirmation.

That brings me back to POC's original mission statement: To inspire, mentor and equip others to pursue their creative abilities for the purpose of building the Kingdom. It actually said "women and youth", but as I'm learning more about this large assignment we've been given, it's all encompassing. The POC Academy is the first of several big projects we will undertake for the purpose of bringing people into their destiny. Right now it's our assignment to find the ones in education who have let their dreams die. It's up to us to bring their callings back to life. I'm excited. Such clarity.

Who knows what will be next...for all I know we'll have to find scientists who have solutions to the global warming crises.

Kimberly from Kentucky

2008-05-04T21:59:00.004-04:00

Again, don't have much time to write. Yet I have to chronicle that blessings come in all shapes and sizes, from unexpected places. Give, and others will give to you until it's running over. The kingdom of Heaven is a funny place. You sow seed in fertile ground one place, and the harvest comes up in a totally different land. Currently my blessings are coming from Kentucky.

Is this what the Father sees?

2008-05-03T21:52:00.004-04:00

It's been 3 days of non-stop leadership summit and BOY do I have TONS to write about that. Yet even as I write this, my husband is passing by saying, "Uh-Uh...no blogging!" I guess I take too long writing my thoughts. I will come back to my post about the summit. For now I have a shorty (I hope).

Picked up Joshua from his grandma's house. Longest I've been away from him (2 nights). He looked different. Puffy, puking, exhausted, yet smiling. Overfed, under rested, yet happy. I found out he drank coffee, consumed a ton of dairy and white flour and basically gorged himself for 2 days. I wasn't happy about how he looked, how he sounded, even his spirit seemed off. Call me crazy. I was grateful that my mother-in-law took a few days off from work to watch him so I could go to the summit. But I wasn't happy with the results. Selfish? No, just jealous.

Is this what the Father feels when He looks at us after we've had a flesh fest? Does he look at us all puffy from eating the wrong foods, exhausted from lack of rest and over work, completely happy as we feed every appetite and think, "What has happened to my beautiful creation?" Does he wonder why we let ourselves get to such states? Is He jealous over His creation in a way that makes Him sorrowful to see us living less than our best?

It made me understand that Yahweh isn't angry when we miss the mark, He just looks at us and longs for the day when we "get it".

I immediately started calculating in my mind how long it would take to get my Joshua back. One week back on his schedule of regular sleep, healthy food and creative play should do it. Does Yahweh calculate how long it will take for us to shed the effects of indulgence to finally reflect His Son?

Man, I need sleep. I don't even think that made sense to my own self. Glad I wrote it down, though. lol. G'night.

April Rap-Up

2008-04-30T10:09:00.007-04:00

I've been a busy little bee. Last week I had a few more practice photo shoots, then my computer went kaput. The bad news is I'm totally backed up (not the laxative kind). The great news is I got a new, much faster hard drive for my computer that makes photoshop editing a breeze. Other than the fact that I have to be hostess with the mostess for the next few days, I'll be done with editing the hundreds of pictures in no time (early next week?). So without further ado, here are the newest shoots and lessons from each.

New Lewi - My first on-location media shoot

Orville is a rapper extraordinaire. His shoot was both on-location and in the studio. Besides being the first media shoot, it was the first on-location adult shoot that I've done. It didn't last too long since it started to rain, but I enjoyed it the most. Being outside, finding locations in Manhattan that suited the look he was going for, seeing him in his element, it was fantastic. I didn't realize how much I absolutely love on-location shoots until I got to photograph Orville. I strongly prefer it to in-studio sessions. That has to be the biggest lesson there. Oh yeah, and that I'm short. I had to get up on a step ladder to shoot Orville in the studio so I could get him face to face. lol.

Lewinson Family - My first family shoot

The Lewinson Family shoot was also both on-location and in the studio. I got a lot of good practice photographing outdoor play. I also faced a new challenge...Isaac (my godson). lol. He's that in-between age where you don't have to chase him around to get a picture, but you can't exactly pose him, either. Getting a serious pose out of him was near impossible, but that made the pictures all the more genuine and fun to me. They were my first family shoot, and I realized it requires a lot of time. Before then, I thought I could "JC Penney" it and get a family in and out in 1/2 an hour - 45 minutes tops. Now I realize a full hour is needed for most family type shoots. I also enjoyed photographing the full range of skin tones in this family...absolutely gorgeous.

The Rolle Family - my first time with people who have their photos taken OFTEN

The Rolle Family was great fun. They are practically professional picture takers. Photographers building their portfolios should hire this family. They know how to pose and still look natural. They know how to be playful and still professional. Seriously, they should rent themselves out. Jo (mom) said I was too laid back and nice with their shoot. I don't know what they're used to, but they did everything I told them to do without any hassle. What's there not to be nice about? They were awesome. I learned that there are families out there like this who actually get their pictures taken often and come with certain expectations. I need to be aware of that and let them know ahead of time that my photo shoots are way more relaxed. Little by little through these practice shoots, I'm learning my own personal style.
I really like to capture the true essence of who people are in their photographs.

Kim McCray - my first on-location high-fashion shoot, and my first time shooting in Raw format

Kim McCray is absolutely stunning. She has been a good friend of mine for many years, and I've always thought she was beautiful - but this photo shoot showed me how breath taking she is. She was a natural. I had her climbing trees, walking through mud, treading over rocky and unstable ground - all while dressed completely in white and wearing heels...and she had a smile on her face the whole time. It was great practice for the practice "Trash the Dress" shoot I have coming up in May. The pictures from her shoot are my favorite so far because they captured her at the core of who she is. It was also my very first time shooting in Raw format (besides the few I took of Joshua in the house to get a feel for it). I always used to shoot in jpeg because I had a fear of the unknown in Raw. Yet Raw produces much higher quality pictures and most professionals shoot in this format. I decided to take the leap into Raw - and that very day Kim told me she's going Raw soon (foodwise). I was too thrilled. Perhaps I'll make my way back to raw foods, but I'm definitely an all raw photographer from now on. I also learned that I need an assistant for those types of shoots. She had all sorts of accessories she carried with her, and I would've liked to have someone else carry those things so she would've been more free to enjoy herself. It didn't seem to stop her, though. We both had a blast.

"Kiyeena" - my first little girl in costume

My last practice photo shoot of the month was Kiyeena. I have been forgetting to get model release forms signed, so I don't really know how to spell her name. Don't worry, these are all my friends...they won't sue me for posting their pictures without a written consent. lol. Ok, so honestly I didn't think I was going to learn much from this shoot. Boy was I wrong! This little girl was a ball of energy. She was rolling and entangling herself in the backdrop, having a blast. When she wasn't doing that, she was running at me (a la Joshua). A lot of time was spent waiting for her to settle into a spot where I could photograph her. I got a lot of cute shots of her on that bench...little did I know that the bench DOES NOT work with my chromakey green screen backdrop (which is what I had for her in the studio). I wanted to use the green so I could turn it into any color I wanted. Cool. The green backdrop bled icky green all over my subject and the props. Not cool. Even in the edited version, you can still see the green. From now on I will know not to use the green back drop with that bench, or the angel costume. I was so happy that her mom let me dress her up in a brand new costume I had bought. It was fun. I ended up taking her outdoors because it was just gorgeous out, and we got some great shots. Even Joshua decided to go for a run with his new angel.

All in all, April was a great month. I do not regret taking this time to learn and grow. I know that neither one of those processes ever stop, so I'm looking forward to more learning and growth ahead!

Sugar Mama?

2008-04-24T10:15:00.003-04:00

When Pierre and I were dating, I would flinch and fight at his mere mention that I might make more money than him one day. That was just unacceptable to me. I was raised with a very strict idea of male and female roles, and I rebelled against most of them - but the one that says the man should be the main bread winner in the house really stuck. We have a term in Spanish, "Vividor", which is a man that lives off his woman. It's a very bad title to have.

Fast forward to yesterday, I said the following to Pierre:

"Wouldn't it be cool if because you've worked and allowed me to stay home and follow my dreams, that I would be so successful that I could tell you you didn't have to work anymore so you could follow your own dreams (writing books, ministering around the world, etc)? Then we would both be successful and doing what Yahweh has put on our hearts to do!"

Just the fact that I could concieve and be cool with that is proof that Yahweh has done a work in my heart without me even noticing He was doing it. It brings me back to a prophesy I received at the Art of Hearing God classes:

"You are a beautiful garden. You have your head down and you're looking at all the weeds. Yahweh is saying to look up and see the beautiful flowers he has planted in your garden (joy, love, compassion, wisdom, etc). He will take care of the weeds."

When we focus on Him and leave our faults alone, He gets rid of them in His time. I'm now looking forward to the day when I can tell my husband to leave his job because my income is exceedingly above what we need to live and be a blessing to others. I'm looking forward to my husband having the free time to write and express his gifts. I praise Yah for teamwork and the beautiful example of true covenant He has placed in my heart. Pierre and I are both "vividores" - living off the limitless life Yahweh has provided us. :)

He IS the Point of Creation

2008-04-23T09:51:00.003-04:00

So since blogging about Expelled in a few different places (here, Myspace, Cafemom) I've gotten a bit of backlash. I've been sent links to sites that "expose" the movie for being lies, I've been told Intelligent Design is not science at all and that the whole premise is a waste of time. I've been sent links to Darwin's books to show where Ben Stein paraphrased what was actually said about survival of the fittest. All of these have been sent in an attempt to discredit the movie and its claims. I welcome intelligent debate. I welcome conversation. The funny thing is that these comments have been sent by self proclaimed Atheists...the smallest group (other than Scientologists, that is) with the largest mouths. Why are the "78%" of Americans who believe in the Judeo-Christian God so silent? Where is their conversation? I will not be silenced.

Scientists are still grappling with the concept of how life began. There are various theories, but no absolutes in the science world as of yet. Being a Christian, I honestly don't understand how it's acceptable to believe that every superbly organized thing we see under the sun and beyond "just happened" by chance...and how ever since that marvelous cosmic accident, everything else we see has needed a designer. It just seems like common sense to me that if mankind cannot mix a bunch of random elements into a living being, as advanced as we've become in technology, we should not be expected to believe it happened thousands of years ago with no intelligent intervention (and no, I'm not speaking of aliens who seeded the earth - another actual scientific theory).

For us, the believers and many scientists on this path, the answer is right before our eyes. As I meditated the name of Yahweh this morning it hit me. Yud Hei Vav Hei. He put the answer in His very name. The first Hebrew letter, Yud, is symbolic of the Point of Creation. He could have named Himself anything and started that name with any letter (why not aleph?), but He starts it with Yud - the very commencement of creation…and He doesn't stop there. The second letter, Hei, stands for breath. Breath is a creative force. Even the humanists of today teach how we can create with our words. It's the truth, but truth without Truth is seriously lacking. The next letter is the Vav - the number of man. Finally He ends His name with breath again. Yahweh's name tells us that He created and breathed life into man who then was able to breath and bring life forth forever more with his own words. Let me say that again. Yahweh was the commencement of all creation and life. He spoke order into the earth on his breath. He then breathed His very life into man, giving Him the ability to breath life into others. Yud Hei Vav Hei. Yahweh - the name that has been hidden, the name that the Jews were persecuted for and not allowed to utter, the name that He gave Himself when He revealed Himself to Moses (translated from the original Hebrew into English as "I am that I am"), is the very name that holds the secret to all of creation. How perfect.

This message is not for people who arrogantly say there is no God. I have nothing to say that will sway or persuade them from their position. This message is for those who believe by the Holy Spirit that not only was there Intelligent Design involved, His name is Yahweh, He sent His visible reflection to earth to shed His blood for all mankind, went to hell to take the keys of life back from death and rose from the dead with such power that other graves were emptied around him in the process. For those that dare to believe Truth, I dare you to not be silenced any longer.

Expelled - excellent movie!

2008-04-18T23:11:00.003-04:00

Pierre and I just got back from watching "Expelled", a documentary by Ben Stein (Beuller...Bueller...) about the freedom of inquiry in science. The movie got more and more disturbing as it went on, delving deeper into how constrained our scientific studies are in this day and age. Back in the day, science was for rich aristocrats with spare time. It was a hobby, and most scientists worked from a premise that God exists. Today, it is a multi-million dollar conglomerate and is very well guarded against any belief in God.

Basically the problem is that the theory of evolution (Darwinism) from the 1800s has many holes in it, including how life originated. Yet this theory is held up as a fact in the scientific community and anyone who dares question it in public is ostracized. There are scientists who now believe that life is so unbelievably complicated it must be an intelligent design. Yet they are not allowed to pursue these theories even though the Darwinists themselves do not have the answers.

For so long I've heard atheists and scientists say that God cannot be scientifically proven. Here we are in a day and age where He actually can be, but there is so much persecution to keep the evolution theory from unravelling that they won't even let anyone do the research. I personally had no idea that Darwinism was such a huge thing. I just thought, "Evolution...that's just a silly little theory that leaves the creator out." I didn't take it seriously. This movie shows just how seriously we should take it, and how seriously we should fight against it in our educational systems.

I'm not doing this movie justice. There were so many parts that touched me. I urge you to watch it and tell your friends to watch it. It is not a "religious" movie by any means. It is about freedom, one that has been taken away in our science community. The movie even shows a link between Darwinism and the Holocaust. Hitler was a very strong believer in Darwin's theories, including "natural selection" and "survival of the fittest". It was his desire to create a pure and strong race that led him to kill millions of "inferior" humans. The movie even speaks of how the creator of Planned Parenthood was an atheist who believed in these theories and wanted to stop the underprivelaged from breeding. Her name was Margaret Sanger - google it.

Ok, I'm done. Watch the movie. Tell people to watch the movie.

Addendum to my bhag (two posts before this one)

2008-04-18T11:20:00.003-04:00

Thanks, Kelly*Jones, for reminding me...our school will be the first of many. People from all over the country (and the world?) will bring our team in to train them on building their own Christian campuses for the performing arts. Yep, that's the plan.

Now that my bhag's written, gotta write some more

2008-04-17T21:08:00.004-04:00

I've started my "practice" shoots this week. I decided that for the month of April I was going to schedule a variety of shoots to build my portfolio so that I could officially start in May. I am so glad I did it that way. The two shoots I've had this week were both very different.

On Monday, Benna Lani came in for her 1 year portraits. She was a doll. I was asking her to give Joshua some tips - but in his defense, he's been my only subject for a very long time. He's due a vacation. Anyway, she came complete with three wardrobe changes and a smile to light up the room. Her mom was very interactive with her the entire shoot, and had very specific requests. I like that. I'm pretty much a veteran of baby shoots by now (lol not really), but I did learn some new things with this one:

1. Even if the mom has specific requests, still suggest poses and props that you think might be suitable. I think because she was so in control, I just kinda let it happen. The pictures came out well, but in retrospect I would've liked to have taken some of her on her belly.
2. Be prepared. Taking Joshua's pics is one thing, inviting someone else into my home to do their children's pics is totally different. I praise Yah that I followed his leading and all went well. By the time they got here, my studio was fully set up, water was boiled for herbal tea, and all necessary forms were printed. Mom felt very relaxed and well served. When moms come here with their little ones, I want to offer them as much comfort as I can. I aced that with this shoot, and got rave reviews.
3. Christine (the momma) suggested that I have a wardrobe for babies available of little suits, party dressed and dressy shoes. I like that idea. Most people will undoubtedly bring their own, but it's good to have it available.

The second shoot I did this week was for my girl, Tarsha. This was the first time I had a subject who was posable (you should see the twists, bends and acrobatics I made this girl get into!). LOL. She was a great sport. We did a "high fashion" photo shoot. To this day I'm still not fully sure what that means, I just knew the look I was going for in my head. I believe we achieved it to some degree...but Tarsha's diva personality came through in all her pictures. She's too fly for grunge. I learned A TON on this shoot:

1. Dress the part. I shoulda known...afterall, it's Tarsha. I wore my pink jogging suit and thought I was perfect. Tarsha said I gave off an unprofessional aura and that if we weren't friends, she would think I was a girl playing with a camera. She said my image needs to be funky and artistic at all times so that the models feel like I know what I'm doing. Hmmm...I guess I didn't realize rolling around on the floor with babies requires slightly different attire than taking professional headshots. Point taken! lol
2. Editing adult photos takes WAY longer than editing children's photos. Babies are perfect already. Adults have pores that show up on camera.
3. Adult photo shoots yield a lot more usable prints than baby photos. I take an average of 200 baby pictures to get 20 pictures I can use. I took about 100 photos of Tarsha and I like about 80 of them. It could be because she wasn't sucking her thumb or running at me in any of the pictures.
4. I do not want to book shoots in the evening. I thought it would be kosher to book people after Joshua's in bed. Not kosher. By that time I'm exhausted and my client would be getting my left overs instead of my best. Daytime and weekend shoots all the way!
5. Study poses. I looked over a sheet of poses a few nights before the shoot and thought it was enough. It wasn't. I need to study them more. Taking long pauses in the middle of the shoot to "think of" what else I want her to do is not acceptable. Just like Tarsha needs to be able to see a person and know what clothing works best on them (she's an image consultant), I need to see a person and know what poses they would look best in. It was a lot of trial and error. Some things looked fierce, others looked awkward. Those will most likely end up on the chopping block. lol.
6. I really do need that new lens. I didn't buy it (the one I spoke about in a previous blog) because I spoke to some professionals who said I needed a mounted flash more. I need the lens. I had a lot of lighting issues with Tarsha's shoot that could've been avoided with a lens that lets in more light. Taking pictures of babies where the light is concentrated on a small area is way different than adults where the light must fill the entire room. I'm getting the lens tomorrow. Case closed.
7. Just like Benna Lani, Tarsha also came complete with wardrobe change and accessory changes. Including the time it took her to change (not long), her shoot took about 2 hours - compared to the baby shoot with three wardrobe changes that took about 40 minutes. A baby shoot is non-stop clicking. An adult shoot is more precise.

I think that's it for now. I'm still editing Tarsha's photos and I have a few more shoots coming up next week. I'll keep you posted on how they go.